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female
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anonymous
writes: hi, i have been with my fiance for 3 years, and recently he has given me an ultimatum. if i dont move in with him and out of my parents then he will finish with me. I had to say no because i am a student at university (im 21) and i have no income so we couldnt afford it. I do love him and it upsets me that he cant wait till i finish uni and find a job before we start searching. he now says that if i dont marry him before the end of the year, then he will also leave me. am i being unreasonable for asking him why we need to rush? i dont understand cos we were so happy until he started demanding stuff like this. im not ready for this because i have to finished my education first. but he doesnt understand this no more. i feel pressurised and i dont want to give in to manipulation but i understand he is 33 and ready for this. why is the age gap such an issue to him now when it wasnt before? should i just do what he wants so i dont lose him, even if it means im not ready? plaese help!
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (16 March 2006):
 You're smart to question his motives. This guy's manipulative at best, and might be an abuser.
If he loves you, why would he threaten to finish with you if you don't give in to his demands? Why does he need you to move out of your parents' place, and in with him? Why can't you continue as you are?
The reason may be that he's trying to get you away from any other influences besides him. If he can isolate you from your parents, then he might be able to get you away from your friends, until ultimately you only have him. This is what abusers do to their victims, so that they have complete control over their victims' lives.
DON'T "give in" just to make him happy. If he's an abuser, then that's a very slippery slope to some major danger. Instead, ask him for logical, sensible reasons for his demands, and if he resorts to anger or threats, you'll see him for who he really is.
I urge you to visit this website, which will give you some detailled information about men who can be abusive to their partners. Read through it, to see if you recognise any other behaviours.
The site is: http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/signs.htm
Maybe I'm wrong and he's just insecure -- but I'd rather you were safe than sorry!
A
female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (15 March 2006):
 He is feeling old and is scared that you are going to leave him, you are having fun at uni and he is left at home thinking about what you may or may not be up to.
He is very unreasonable to expect you to move in and marry him, this is controlling giving you this sort of ultimatum and if I was you I would just stick to your guns and be prepared to loose this bloke.
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A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx +, writes (15 March 2006):
 This is always the problem in age gap relationships - you're both in different places in your lives and some people just aren't willing to compromise.
You are being very sensible and I say stick to your guns. You have to live with your decisions forever, whereas relationships come and go. Stay in education and do everything you want in life, if you don't, you'll only end up resenting him for stopping you doing that.
He, on the other hand, is being very manipulative and selfish and you need to talk to him. Tell him this can't go on - he takes you as you and waits until you're both ready to make these massive steps or he finds someone else. You're not in the wrong here, he is. Don't let him force you into anything you don't want to do, life is too short to miss out on oppotunities like a good education and future.
If it doesn't stop after you tell him all this, find someone else who accepts you and loves you for who you are and knows how important these things are to you. Good luck
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