A
female
age
41-50,
*lou oog
writes:I realy need somebody's opinion. I'am was engaged with this man for 16 years. We have a 4 year old son and I have 2 teenage girls from a prevouis marrage. I broke my engagement 6 months ago I asked him repeatedly when are we going to get married and his answer always is ya someday. Well the reason why I broke the engagement is I couldn't take it any more. His friends always came first in his life he furgot about me and the kids. And when he come from work he sits infront of the t.v. and there he fell asleep we haved live pass each other. I don't know what to do. I was feeling that I was only there becouse I must be. He is very overweight and I was also about 7 months ago I start to lose some weight. The food that I made for me in the night he also ate becouse he said that he also wants to lose some weight but during the day he'ss eating takeouts. Well I lost the kilos that I wanted to lose but he is still where he is. So I went and buy new clothes and my 2 teenage daughters came with me to help. When I show him the new clothes he said that I look like a whore the clothes is like jeans skipans with long tops. I didn't even buy mini skirts. And he said that the skipans is so thin like my brains. He started acting like somebody who was insecure like he want's to know my every moove where I'am going in town it felt like I was in jail. becouse I must please and explain where ever I'am going. And he was calling me all those names. I started feeling like a nobody that he don't love me any more. Even one of his family member told me that she can not believe that I put up with this crap she would have left him long time ago. I met this other guy now 5 months ago and he also noticed how my life is with my ex fiance. So I started to feel atractive towards him becouse he always say to me how pretty I look and he enjoys being around me and the kids. So my ex suspected that something is going on but he wasen't sure so he started to make all of this therds that if he saw me with other man he will kill us. One sunday morning we had a big fight. He started again to say I'am a whore and my 2 girls and he will kill me first then to see me with ather man. So I packed my bags and went to my sister that stays about 700 case from me I stayed with her for about 4 days and I came back I told my ex that he must get a flat for me and the kids I need some time to work things out. And I told him maybe its becouse our relationship is falling apart and we need some time alone. Well he said its ok but there will be rules so I asked him he said he will get the flat but I must sleep every weekend with him and 2 to 3 days in the week. And I must come straigt from work and not leave the flat the other days that I'am not with him. And that days that I'am at the flat he would pass there like 6 times a night just to see if I'am there.Well it's a month now and it's worse than it was when I was with him in the house Me and the kids go for counciling but he doesn't want to he said that there is nothing wrong with him. So I need somebody's opinion what to do must I move on with my own life without him in it or must I go on the way it's going on and see if he would change. And he asked me now a week ago if it's what you want then we can get married but way now it would feel like I pushed him into marry me if he wanted to marry me way didn't ask me years ago please give me some advice what to do.
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engaged, fiance, in jail, insecure, move on, my ex, overweight Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (25 November 2008):
 Personally sweetheart is there any way you can move right away from this man as he sounds quite unhinged in more ways than one.
When he is threatening you and your children you need to watch out for your safety and theirs, get as far away from him as you possibly can.
Yes the restraining order may mean something but it sounds like he is going to do things his own way regardless.
Do you have any other family that you could stay with who live further away and possibly change your job etc? Just a thought as I think your life will never be your own if you stay anywhere near this ex of yours, he has the problems not you but men like that very rarely change.
Keep us posted OK.
BFN
Country Woman
x
A
female
reader, blou oog +, writes (24 November 2008):
blou oog is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst off I would like 2 say thanks for all of your help. Well I just wanna say I was in a car accident on the 22 October I was in hospital and my ex came and took me 2 his house he told me repeatedly that there is nothing wrong but I went 2 my docter 2 weeks back becouse I have these chest pains he sent me for x-rays. He then told me that one of my ribs are broken. My 2 dougters are so cross with my ex becouse he told everybody that there was nothing broken. Now I am back at work and back at my flat today he came and pick me up for work and started again by saying if he saw me in town today he will kill me. My life is a mess he don't want 2 exept that I am not coming back to him he has all of his friends waching me so he knows where I am going. I got a restraining order against him but he don't care about it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): WELL DONE You have made the move all by yourself even though you didn't even know it, give yourself a pat on the back, go to the one person in your life who means alot to you, walk up to them and simply say "I need a hug"Remember this "A LEOPARD NEVER CHANGES ITS SPOTS"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): First off.. this is a very unhealthy relationship for anyone to be in. If you have been with this guy for this long and have not seen any change out of him, well then I would say hang it up. He is way to comfotable in this relatinship to want to change. I hate to put it this way but why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? He knows that he has everything within his reach, so why would he want to be a better man? Do you know what I mean? It is going to be very hard to undo all the past hurts and situations you guys have been through. Somtimes it is just better to say salave' and move on.
If you really want this relationship to change you have to start setting some standards. The abuse has to stop, name calling and being a bully is abuse. Do your kids really deserve to live in this just because you love a person? Absolutly not! You both need to be going to a couciler or a paster for some advice. If he is not willing to put anything into it, your better off whithout him. However, I would advise a couciler even if he dosen't go.. you will still need it after years of being in a disfuctional relationship. Good luck, I hope it works out!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): Herewith a link to the stop women abuse helpline in South Africa; Remember these people are trained to deal with situations like yours.
http://www.stopwomenabusehelpline.org.za/contact_us.htm
or you can call them toll free in South Africa by dailling: 0800 150 150
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (9 October 2008):
Unfortunately sweetheart your ex is so controlling and so insecure about himself that things will never change and personally I think you have had a lucky escape by not marrying him.
I would say though that you would probably be better off moving away from where he is and try getting a place of your own or stay with family for a while until you can get help with a new place. You have a child together and so there must be laws in your country about access to his child and he must have to support this child financially but again I don't know the laws in your country about what you are entitled to or how strict it is in getting money out of him for you and your child.
Whilst you live nearby things will never alter and it seems like because you have made the best of yourself he is now seeing what he has disregarded for so long but being around someone who can call you a whore and your 2 daughters is not a good relationship but purely a bully.
He has said he would kill you or anyone you end up with and that is scary. Get away from him and do things through the courts about access for him to your son as he is his father at the end of the day but don't give him full contact details right now. Maybe a mobile phone number if you have one as he won't know exactly where you are living, report what he has said to you about possibly harming you and anyone you end up with.
Marriage is definitely not an option with this man as he would be someone who said right now I have my ring on your finger, I own you and you wouldn't want things even worse than they are right now.
Keep us posted OK, good luck.
BFN
Country Woman
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