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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi. im in a new relationship for about 3 months now.Everything is perfect but he wants to know about my past especially with regards to a guy i was involved with previously.We all reside in the same community.i told him that i wasnt in love with that guy even if we were close and we were never intimate. The guy in question is even engaged to be married soon.we parted on a bad foot because i never went out with him. But my present boyfriend keeps asking if i was in love with him and how far we went intimately. He said he heard things that he needed to confirm and would not be happy if i ever lied to him.i am not happy about this at all because sincerely from heart i had nothing intimate with this guy. I have told my boyfriend that if he keeps talking about this i will leave because that was a bitter part of my life and even though i was never intimate with this guy he manipulated me alot, told lies and turned alot of my friends against me when i didnt want to go out with him. it is not a topic i iike discussing about and there are certain things i left out that if my boyfriend knew he would be really mad and might hurt this guys reputation. I feel everything is a thing of the past now and i am not the sort to say nasty things about people.He has said he would not mention anything about this guy again.should i have told him everything knowing this will build his faith in me but perhaps make him respond negatively towards this guy? Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2006): Want to thank you both for the advise. it was so much help, i now know what to do.
A
female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (3 December 2006):
 Your instincts are correct. It is natural that you boyfriend is curious, perhaps he does not want to make the same mistakes.
But if the reason is that he wants to be facts straight, it sounds to me that he is as controlling as the other one.
Your past is your business and you only have to justify it to yourself.
If he does not trust you and love you for you as now, the relationship is already not ideal.
Take it slow and talk to him regarding respecting each other private past lives.
After this, if he still cannot let go, then you may have to move on to avoid getting hurt.
Lots of hugs xxx
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (3 December 2006):
 Don't tell him any more information. Not any time soon anyway.
Your boyfriend is obsessing about your past boyfriend. He's comparing himself to him, and being insecure. The more he knows the worse it will be, because he'll have more information to obsess over. More things to compare himself too.
The pressure your boyfriend is putting on you now is a bad sign. What you are describing happens mostly after someone finds out too much information, not before. The fact that it is happening before points to him having a really really hard time with the information if you were to give it to him.
I am speaking from personal experience. My girlfriend told me some stuff about her that I wasn't able to handle and we went through 6 months of hell with me being jealous, obsessive and like an emotional time bomb. I know where your boyfriend is coming from. I would question her constantly for details, and then when she finally told me something get very upset about it and add those details to my list of things to obsess about. Very unhealthy behaviour and an easy way to destroy a relationship.
Obsession is like snake eating its own tail. It just goes round and round with no ending, feeding upon itself. The more information you give the fatter the snake will get. The best thing you can do right now is starve it by giving it no more 'images' to feed on. No more details, no more scenarios and past situations.
Maybe in while when he has calmed down and learned to deal with his emotions better you can start to address these issues furthur, once you know its not going to destroy the relatioship. But with only 3 months behind you I strongly recommend letting this go for the time being.
If he won't let up and it gets worse and worse do consider leaving him. The first step for a solution is for him to show a willingness to accept his responsibility (which is 100% by the way), and to then be keen to help himself get over it.
To see how bad this can get, have a read of this thread:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-cant-i-get-my-gfs-past-sex-life-out-of-my-head.html
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