A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend(26) and i(20) have been dating for about 4 months and we are engaged. why so fast? partially because of religious rules in my family where "boyfriend-girlfriend" relationships aren't allowed, yes I am well aware that I am old enough to do whatever I want, but I value my family ties. So we've had this engagement title since the beginning pretty much, and that makes things very confusing, but we didn't seriously commit to marriage until about a month ago. Also still very fast, I know. I respect and admire him as well as love him, and am as sure as I can be that he's a perfect match for me... but as sure as I am, i can't say i put too much trust in my own judgment, this is my first serious relationship, this is my first kiss, my first...well everything really, down to even hugging a guy i'm not related to, so i'm acknowledging my naive nature lol, perhaps you all can help me outhe has a daughter. she is very young, about 9 months old. I met her only once, after which her mother asked him not to bring her around me, and so I try to respect that. This also confuses me because my first instinct is to love the child, she's part of him... but if I don't know her, how can I be thrilled for him when he gets so giddy about her crawling/walking/talking etc?he lived with his ex until about a month ago. which I wasn't aware of until a week before she left. In his defense, he told me that when we first met... i just didn't understand what he was saying, so he thought I knew. when they broke up, he didn't make her leave, though he did ask her to, because she insisted kicking her out was like kicking his daughter out. She has full legal custody of the child and he wanted to be able to see her. btw, they mutually separated, but she initiated it...for whatever that's worth. After I first started talking to him, about 4-5 months ago, he admitted that he slept with her the same week we started talking (before we started talking) and I asked him why he would do that because I needed to know if he still had feelings for her... he insists he doesn't/didn't, that he told her that they shouldnt, but she really wanted to... (later I got confused because... why would she break up with him if she still wanted him?) anyway, he told me because he was worried she was pregnant again and if so he said he'd have to take care of her until the baby was born. but she wasn't, so moving on. When she found out about me, she got angry i guess, because she moved out while he was at school and took a boat load of stuff that wasn't exactly hers. He was angry, and ranted a lot of it in my direction, to which I tried to explain why she'd get the wrong idea if he slept with her one day then started seeing me the same week... so then he got upset at me, which is the only time we've ever been at odds, but it lasted all of 3 hours.he works for her mom. I'm not exactly sure how this arrangement even works... but he's a tutor, and he works at her house sometimes. I haven't asked for details on that cuz it feels like something he'd naturally explain...he has his daughter most nights until midnight because her mom works until then... at which time he has to drive over to her house(also her parents house) and deliver the child. if she wakes up, he'll stay and coax her back to sleep because her mom usually is busy cooking or something when she first gets home off work, sometimes he'll fall asleep with her... which irks me because in a given week, he'll see more of his child's mother than of me, but I try to keep that feeling in check, it feels selfish.I have zero fears about him cheating, I actually have relatively eccentric views on sex and would honestly be minimally bothered, that's not what this is about at all, my fear is that his ex still loves him, and I know that he was heartbroken when they split, so... wouldn't it be best for their baby for them to be together? I voiced this to him, and he said they'd never be together because she doesn't want to get married, and he really wants to get married and settle down.He's talked to his ex about us in relation to his daughter, like how that would work after we're married, and she says she wouldn't let her daughter stay the night if I am there. He wanted to challenge it legally... I asked him not to because (maybe the naive nature coming out) I'd rather meet the child's mother first... idk.. maybe we could come to a mutual respect. and if she really doesnt want her child near me... i'm not some crazy person, so what does that imply she's feeling... how would all that bitterness affect their daughter's childhood if I marry her fatherso what do you guys think? he's talking about getting married this summer... which yes, makes me flattered, it makes me tickled pink, I feel perfectly happy. But I can't ignore the fact that this is rather fast, and he has a child that needs some stability, and even though they are not together, i feel like a homewrecker...
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 March 2013):
 Sorry, didn't see your followup.
Yet you can still read my main points and the message is the same. Too many red flags, poor communication, too much baggage.. and I really don't think this man knows what he wants more than a day ahead.
Your relationship needs the test of time. If you're still together and happy a year from now.. go ahead. Marry. You'll have my blessing.
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 March 2013):
I think this is a bad idea. I'm sure you love him, but so far you love only what you've seen up to this point. And already big secrets are being revealed. And strange 2miscommunications". It's really difficult to misunderstand "My ex girlfriend and baby daughter still lives with me." If you didn't understand it.. then maybe it's because he didn't actually say it.
Also, he just recently left a very serious relationship! He was living with another woman, not married to her, and has a child with her. How does your religious family view that?
And, as I am sure you're also religious to some point, and also have the same values as shared in your family.. doesn't this strike you as unusual and a bit of a red flag? This is a guy that's supposedly so serious about you he gets engaged, and declares love for eternity.. yet he also lived with a woman and had a child with her, only to leave her before the baby is one years old. How much does that tell you about his ability to commit? And how much does that tell you about his level of responsibility for his actions? If he didn't want a child he should have wore a condom... And if he did want a child, why didn't he marry his girlfriend before starting a family with her, and after having started a family, why didn't he work to keep it together?
It seems to me, he's taking his responsibilities very lightly.
"He was angry, and ranted a lot of it in my direction, to which I tried to explain why she'd get the wrong idea if he slept with her one day then started seeing me the same week... " Yeah exactly.. he seems very causal about sex and commitment. Too casual for a guy who's supposedly engaged.
Being engaged to me means you take your relationship seriously. Okay, so you got engaged just so you could be boyfriend/girlfriend in front of your family. But it's still an engagement, and it's still getting serious. Yet, how can he possibly take you seriously? Look at the story with him and his ex! That'll be you in two years time.
It is gullible to believe anything else, the writing is on the wall. He's a guy who doesn't take relationships too seriously, doesn't think twice about making babies out of wedlock, doesn't show any true commitment or responsibility for his actions, and now he's jumping into a rushed engagement with you! If we look ahead to where his pattern of decisions will take you, what do we see? We see him being crazy about you one minute, then suddenly his interest will vanish. He'll start talking babies and family, knock you up out of wedlock (but I am sure he'll promise to marry you soon) and then as the baby enters the world he'll be off with a new woman.
You're not a home wrecker, because your boyfriend doesn't build homes stronger than a piece of paper. I wouldn't trust my future with a man like this. I know you are blinded by love, but you are naive. You are only 20, and at this age I must say 6 years actually still is a lot. He's been around the block and knows just what to tell you to get his way with you. You're innocent, don't know much, and you believe everything he tells you (like the "misunderstanding" about him not telling you he still lived with his ex).
Look... how do you stand on the matter of divorce? With your religious background, I am thinking you aren't going to want a divorce. I'm also thinking, you have the idea in your mind to marry only once in your life.
Your boyfriend, does he agree? Is marriage a life long commitment? Does he share your views on family life? (Or as he's already shown you, and as you've already written, we already KNOW he does not share your view on family life and priorities).
Marriage is a big step. Yes, it's fun to be in love and feel giddy and tickled pink, because everything is rose tinted. But right now, everything about your relationship is.. so so shallow. You barely know him. He's already been hiding things from you, big important things. He's rushing for marriage too fast, which is a sign he's worried you will leave him as you get to know him better, and wants to "hook you on" before you open your eyes to who he truly is.
Ask him these things: Does he want children? Was his daughter planned? If yes, why did he not think about marriage with the mother BEFORE making a baby? If no: why did he not use protection? What are his views on divorce? What are his long term goals in life?
Ask him key questions about yourself, questions that will reveal if he actually truly knows you... I've had boyfriends who told me they love me, yet they showed no interest in my passions, and barely knew the important things about me...
I also KNOW for a fact that you DON'T really know someone until at least a year and a half into a relationship. If you marry this summer you will be marrying an illusion, as you have no idea who he is. I strongly urge you to NOT marry. This is not the right time... and possibly not the right man. Give it time and let him show you who he is and if he's the one you should marry or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2013): thanks guys for the feedback, lol kc you sound like my mother, i'm glad...helps me understand how she feels, i thought her reaction was way left field, maybe not.
butlet me clear a couple things up.
he and his ex broke up before their child was born... about a year ago. he slept with her once during that time. so while not condoning anything, just want to clarify he wasn't cheating. and just to further clarify... the baby was 5 months.. 9-4=5 lol but yeah... he didn't jump (emotionally) straight from her to me, but I know for a fact thats how she felt about it, and if they were together he probably had a good idea of how she felt
I think you may be right about him really wanting to be married more than just marrying me, but I didn't mean to imply that was the only reason they broke up, he actually didn't mean to get her pregnant, and her family disowned her for a bit because of it, and that's when he asked her to marry him which was after they broke up, but he wasn't surprised with her "no" because she already had told him she wasn't going to marry. even so, i agree with him that marriage is important, and for the love of your life not to want to marry you...thats no small cookie
he would never be disloyal to his child over me... he most definitely has not, and never will "happily leave his child for another woman" i'm not sure where you got that from, he spends more time with his daughter than his ex spends with his daughter due to her busy schedule, and most definitely spends more time with his daughter than he does with me
as far as being very young... well that one is a tad cultural, and I am quite old in my social circle to not be considering marriage, but I think you are right about it being too soon for this situation
thanks for the feedback again, I think I have at least come to the conclusion that he and I are going to need to discuss why this is too soon
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (11 March 2013):
 WOW. This is an utter mess, a disaster waiting to happen basically. DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. I cannot tell you that enough, you have gotten yourself into a horribly messy situation where he was cheating on his ex with you when you met (even if it was just talking, he was emotionally cheating on his ex, who by the way had a 3 month old baby at the time).
This is a man who emotionally cheated on the mother of his incredibly young child, what makes you think that this is a suitable future husband?
To be honest I think this man is more interested in getting married than WHO he is getting married to. He wanted to marry his ex, the only reason he didnt was because she didnt want to. That means his ex was THE ONE, she was the one he wanted to marry but she didnt want the same thing. That makes you second choice, you are not the one because she is, you are the second - the back up option.
I dont think his ex is over him, and he cant get over her so quickly either. It sounds like there was no break between the relationship with his ex and then with you, he jumped straight from her to you giving him no time to get over her. You are most likely a rebound, something to help take his mind off the pain of his break up.
The mother of his child is alawys going to hold a major influence over him, feelings for your child's mother are always going to be much stronger than a typical 'ex'. And the fact that she wont let the child be around you is a huge indicator that she is not over him, and that she has not accepted his new relationship.
It is no life for a child to not be able to meet their father's new wife, and it is no life for you to not be able to meet such an important part of your husband's life. It simply wont work, but you cant force his ex to be ready to let the child meet you either, she is quite right in fact to not let the child meet you yet - it has happened too quick and as a rule I'd say you should be together for around 6 months - 1 year before you can be introduced to the child because you simply dont know before that if the relationship is going to last. Children need stability so the ex is 100% correct to not let you near the child yet, she doesnt know if this is going to last (and is probably hoping it wont) so she doesnt want random women coming in and out of her child's life.
What should you do now? As I said before DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. For your first relationship this is a complete disaster, you have entered into a huge mess with cheating, lying, living with ex partners - most women would not touch this man with a barge pole; he has way too much baggage, he has not had time to get over his ex, he has an ex who is not over him, he has a young child who you cannot be part of her life, he was emotionally cheating on her which means you should be doubtful of his ability to commit, he has happily left a very young child for another woman meaning he has no loyalty to even his own children.....this man is not a good catch!
I doubt you would consider leaving him, which you probably should because you are no naieve that you cannot see the real man behind this facade you have fallen for, but if you dont leave him PLEASE do not marry him. He has a lot to prove to you, so you need to be engaged for at least 1 year, ideally 2 before you even consider marriage.
You are very young and shouldnt be getting married at your age anyway, so explain to your fiance that you feel it is too soon to be getting married, you are too young and you want to wait a year or so. If he reacts badly, well he will prove to you that he only wants to get married and doesnt care who it is that he marries.
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