A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i lost my brother in a motorbike accident 2 years ago.. got married around 18 months ago... my husband god knows from where he got it in his head that he wants to buy a motorbike.. i told him I am scared begged him not to.. he is being very adamant and wants to buy at any cost.. he went and got the bike license also today... he is acting very obsessed.. finally I told him I will leave him forever if he buys it.. he still doesen't care.. what to do?the moment this motorbike topic come out I burst out crying.. i haven't slept properly.. i am getting all bad dreams.. i am crying every time I think about it or the thought of leaving him or the thought of him meeting with a accident.. Is that materialstic thing.. that bike more important that a relationship.. i can't live with the tension every time he takes the bike and goes out.. i don't know what to do? my husband is adventurous and I never stop him from doing anything.. skydiving bungee jumping paragliding and many more..how should I convince him..? should I leave him if he buys one.. but life is not that simple... i can't live without him... i can't live with the tension every time he is out in the streets on his bike.. and i know what he will do with the bike.. he is always searching for adrenalin rush... what to dooooo? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (10 October 2011):
 It is incredibly unkind of him to be pursuing this obsession, given what happened to your brother ... but I can't help thinking that it is in some way a kind of reaction to your grief over your brother - a kind of tough therapy for you, and a show from him that what happened is not going to stop him going out and living and doing what he wants.
My honest opinion? So awfully painful as it is (I am so sorry - you are obviously very traumatised by what happened to your brother), I think maybe you need to start looking at this as a way to move on. Your husband will do what he wants, and won't be held back by fear - which is really the reason why you want to stop him riding the bike. He refuses to be afraid. This is gung-ho, and yes, even a bit dangerous, but the best way to get this out of his system is to accept it and let him do what he wants.
You don't want to leave him - you love him. But you are probably clinging very tight to him over this one because you are afraid you will lose him as well.
Love, I can't say you won't lose him. We will all lose each other one day. But he is all about life ... he wants to live, without fear. You have to let him do that. And you need to start learning to trust life again. You don't want to lose him over this - that would be doing exactly what you are trying to prevent!
So:
1. Tell him ok, I'm sorry - it's me - I have a massive hang-up about this and it's really hard for me because of what happened - but actually ok, get the bike, do what you want - I'm not going to make a thing out of it any more. I love you and I am not going anywhere.
2. Book in for some counselling sessions about what happened to your brother, and your fears now for your husband.
I think that if you stop trying to pull him in one direction, he might stop pulling so hard in the other. Yes, he might get a bike. Yes, you will suffer when he is out on it - but you will get used to it. Although you think he will be reckless, I am not sure he will be that reckless.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): you need to learn to accept and deal with your tension and fear. You shouldn't try to stop him getting a motorbike - he's an adult he's not your child you have no right to control him and stop him doing something he wants to do.your fears are understandable. but they are still ultimately YOUR fears, because of your history, and YOUR issues to deal with, not his. You need to learn how to handle your emotions when your hb goes out on his bike. Since it's your fear, stemming from within you, you need to learn to do something that is within your own power to calm that fear and reduce it. Such as changing the way you think, doing therapeutic exercises (under the guidance of a counselor if necessary) to desensitize yourself and so on.By trying to get your hb to give up the bike, you're trying to control him rather than yourself. It's not fair to him, and it's ineffective as a long term strategy for your goal. it's not his job to change his lifestyle just cos you can't deal with your personal anxieties that stem from within you. How do you think the wives of policemen, soldiers, etc, feel? See a counselor if you need help dealing with your fear. You can't go through life like this. yes it would be nice if your hb decided not to do this after seeing how much distress it's causing you. If having a motorbike didn't mean so much to him, I'm sure he would have given it up no problem. But obviously it does mean a lot to him, maybe it's just part of who he is as a person - the adventurous personality etc. Asking him to give up the bike is like asking him not to be who he is. It's not fair to him because your reason for wanting him to do that is because you haven't learned how to process your own fear.you shouldn't have to live in constant anxiety and tension. clearly that isn't healthy for you. But the answer isn't for your hb to soothe your fear by making sacrifices it's for you to learn to deal with it on your own. And if you can't, to ask him respectfully to make a sacrifice for you, where 'asking' means that you respect his right to say no, and not to DEMAND that he make the sacrifice for you. He would be more likely to want to make some sacrifices for you if he didn't feel that you were demanding it. when you make demands, you've now turned this issue into a control issue where he feels you're trying to control him (which you are) so he's more resistant to budging. If you show him respect by not demanding, and sincerely dealing with it on your own, then he may be more likely to make some compromises for you.also if you've already threatened to leave him over this and he still didn't budge and you're still here - you've just lost all bargaining power because you didn't follow through on what you said you were going to do. Empty threats just lower your standing in the other person's eyes and make them tune you out more in the future.
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J +, writes (10 October 2011):
 If a man has motorcycling in his blood, you won't get it out of him. I love motorbikes, but haven't ridden one for years.
I intend to, before I get too old, but I will go and get trained properly for today's traffic and conditions - and so must he.
INSIST that he goes on an intensive re-training course for both your sakes.
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