A
female
age
36-40,
*by
writes:good morning everybody, i'm 23, i have my boyfriend and we have been together for 2 years. First, he loved me so much but my parents were really disappointed about our relationship. Now i'm 2 months pregnant, i told him so and he's being like a lion. two weeks ago he told me that we were going to marry, right after he changes his mind and does not want to hear from me. He wants the baby, but he doesn't care about me now. I decide not to give him my baby cause i'm really upset as he is my first and only one. please i need an advice from anybody who got trough that situation and able to help. THANKS Reply to this Question
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (23 January 2010):
Don't be selfish, just because he doesn't want a relationship with you, doesn't give you the right to keep his child away from him. It's not just YOUR baby, the baby belongs to BOTH of you.
Guys can freak out about this stuff. Perhaps things will change and you can work something out between the two of you later. Your baby didn't ask to be brought into this world and your baby didn't ask to have parents that don't have a healthy relationship. You should care more about the wellbeing of your child than whether or not the father wants a relationship with you. And yes, I totally know how it must hurt your and you feel betrayed and you don't understand how he can't be there for you at a time like this. But you can do this on your own and be a good mother to your child and do the right thing and make sure your baby has a relationship with his/her father. If he doesn't want anything to do with the baby, then fine, file for sole custody and don't let him be a part of its life. But if he wants to be, then don't take it away from him. That would be very self centered to do such a thing.
A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (23 January 2010):
 ok, but what about the babies right to build part of their life with their father too?
Just coz you don't want to see him, does not mean your child does not want a father.
Now you have made your position clear, Please re read the last few paragraphs of my previous post and have a good hard thing about it, even putting yourself in your babies shoes, imagining how you would feel if your mum cut you off from your dad, etc, etc.
You have to decide what is right and fair for the child (not you) and what the possible effects of making the wrong choice may be. So chill out a bit first, get over some of the pain, and have a good refelection upon this. You would hate your child to grrow up and blame you for not allowing them the simple right to have a dad just coz things dd not work out b/n his/hers parents.
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A
female
reader, eby +, writes (23 January 2010):
eby is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni'm sorry for those who dnt understand,and i really thanks those who have tried to give me an explanation.he is my first bf,he loved me so much before,and he knows that he was not easy for us to built the relationship.as he act stupid now.i decide to give birth to my baby,scape away with it,and restrain any acces that he will believe he has a child alive.i will not have any abortion,i will just live the country where he will not be too easy for him to hear from me,and rebuilt my life with my baby.thanks
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A
female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (23 January 2010):
I am not quite sure from the wording if you are considering not having thr baby at all (abortion), or just not letting him have or see the baby.
In any case tho, I would be very cautious about making any desicions right now because you are upset and the last thing you want to do is base your choices on a reaction to being hurt and then live to regret or cause yourself further pain from it.
If you don't continue the pregnancy that is your choice, but try to step out of your feelings for a moment and take a logical look at the situation before deciding on anything.
If you are having the baby, then 7 more months is a long time in which the status of your relationship could change - you may sort it and get back together, you may move in to a friendship, etc, and have a whole different playing field with which to base any choices. When the heightened emotions of this moment simmer down your decisions will alter to reflect that. So, you don't need to set anything in concrete right now.
It is certainly not odd that you be the main carer - that is what usually happens. Not that men are not capable, or may even be the better choice depending on the circumstances, ... but mothers tend to bond with their bub's all through pregnancy, and coz mother nature is so clever, we even release hormones (oxytocin) during labour that studies have shown cause feelings of love and bonding to amplify dramatically. So nature has designed it that mothers don't want to part with their children, and it is very ok if you feel that way.
What is not ok tho on face value, is a decision to not let the father have access to that child. This is not about what you think of him, or wether you want to see him, ..it is about a child having a right to see their father, and a father having a right to see a child. Would you think it ok if someone else had decided for you in your infancy that you were not allowed to have such a fundamental relationship with one of your parents?
You have to think for the child here, not for yourself. Unless a guy is a deadbeat daddy causing a child to be upset (things like infrequent contact) or in another way a danger (drug addict, violent, etc) then it is always in a childs best interest to be able to build a relationship with both parents.
If you absolutely wanna hurt him back for hurting you, whilst I dont see it as a productive way forwards, then at least aim directly at him, and only him, while you are doing it, ...dont inadvertantly make your child the innocent victim or pawn of two parents who cant resolve their issues.
That means no cutting contact between father and child without due cause in the childs (not your) best interst, no putting the father down/name calling in front of the child, no using the child as a sounding board to vent negatively about their father, and no fighting in front of the child.
I would even sit down with him and discuss a co-operative, co-parenting plan and emplore him to agree on certain ground rules for the childs sake - including not doing any of those things I mentioned in reciprocal. Later you should also consult on discipline, bedtime routines, diet, etc, to ensure their is consistency between the two homes.
You will get over the pain in time if you don't get back together, .. it is the lifetime of pain you can both spare your child that needs to be the focus, if you don;t resolve all else.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (23 January 2010):
Maybe these are stupid questions, but if you could clarify it may be able to help.
1. What do you mean by, "he's being like a lion?"
2. And what do you mean you decided to not give him your baby? You decided that you won't let him see it or you had an abortion?
If you answered those questions it would probably help because I really don't know what situation you're referring to. Him not being able to make up his mind or not giving him your baby?
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