A
female
age
41-50,
*onfused31
writes:my boyfriend wants me to take control but i want to be controled. how can i fix this problem? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): LOL.... heck... The more I think about the more it sounds fun... teeheee.... If he dosen't come up to scratch when it's his turn, then write it down and make sure he gets punished next week. Should be a great way to solve some of the anger problems.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): Oh yea! If it's sexual, surf the net for erotic fiction where the lady plays the dominant role.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): Two submissives, now that really is hard work. Your not really compatible but Flynn has the solution here. You both need to compromise both inside and outside the bedroom. Take it in turns. One week he's the MASTER and you only do what he commands, the following week your the MISTRESS and you must command him too. Watch very carefully when it's your turn, if something turns you on, it will turn him on as well, so save up some ideas for when it's your turn. If you can't think of anything, try that list thing that ChiRaven kindly suggests.
You asked for help so I guess he should be MASTER first. Good luck and please keep us updated, as you can see their are a few people who are very intrested to see how this all works out.
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (30 June 2008):
 As an additional resource for the two of you, there is a book called "The Loving Dominant" by John Warren, published by Greenery Press. It's heavily into things that you may not be into (at least not right away), but it does talk about some very important concepts (like open communication, talking about your fantasies, and "acting out" scenes) that may well work for you. There is also a section on getting your spouse into becoming more dominant. It might be worth looking into. Lots of other resources available on the question of "power exchange" too, if you look for them.
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (30 June 2008):
I don't blame either of you. Being the dominant partner in a relationship means that YOU have to take responsibility for the outcome of the experience for both of you. It's darned hard work.
So we've got two submissives coupled here. It's a problem, but not an unsolvable one. What you are going to need is some sort of "external" structure that you can both recognize as controlling what you do. That way neither of you really has to take ownership of the process ... you're only following orders.
If there is a problem with initiating sex, the two of you should just set a time that you are going to have sex and then do it. You can do it because you've been told to do so. Or whatever works for you. Make it regular ... you're following orders here.
As far as what to do, there are books available that go into a great deal of detail on sexual technique. Get one or two of them. Then just follow the instructions in the book. Use it as a script. You can read the script ahead of time, and if there's anything you don't like about what a particular "scene" says, you can agree to change it. But then just follow the instructions. Once again, neither of you is in charge ... you're following orders.
I'm not a clinician, but I am (as you've probably guessed) a sexual dominant, and in fact I worked with a couple pretty much like you a few years ago, young friends of mine who were having a similar problem, giving them advice. This idea of "scripting" really worked well for them. Eventually (as happened with them) I suspect that one of you will emerge as slightly more adventurous and somewhat more willing to take control, and things will pick up from there. If not, this idea of following a script seems to work pretty well for quite a period of time
Either way, good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): If you are talking in the bedroon here... simple.
Take it in turns.
Like, one time you let him have control (could be some handcuffs or silk ties involved, maybe even some feathers and chains, I don't know think of this for yourselves)... and next time you can take control.
And vice versa.
Simple, clean and easy.
Flynn 24
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