A
female
age
51-59,
*ixedup mind
writes:I was married to a man that I loved very much, but when it came to sex, he would always reject me if I initiated sexual moves towards him.I am now engaged to a wonderful guy, but when it comes to sex, he WANTS me to initialize sex and I have a hard time doing so due to my past experience. It will take me, literally, 2-3 days to work up the courage to initiate sex with my fiance. I always have the fear of rejection, even though I know that my fiance will not refuse me. If my fiance jokes about not having sex when say I want it, I freeze up and get distant, therefore, we won't have sex. I know I am bringing the lack of sex into this relationship of my own accord, but don't know how to get over the fear of rejection from my past. He has said that he will try to make sure he doesn't joke about not having sex, but it's part of his personality and he doesn't mean anything by it, but the irrational side of my mind takes it to heart. I don't want this to be a problem that I bring into a new marriage, any advise on this would be greatly appreciated.
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male
reader, My friend  +, writes (20 August 2008):
first of all its great that you know where ur problem is and thats step one to solve it. Lexilou's methode is awesome, i had the same problem with my gf, she never initiated sex and it was a problem for me cuz its great sometimes to feel that she is the one who wants sex. now she takes me sometimes by surprise, and even if i didnt think about sex at the time, she still gets me to the point of no return! hehe if u know that the problem lies within ur mind, just step on it and dont let it hold u. trust me, if u start teasing him or touching him, u WILL turn him on, specially since he is the kind of guy who likes it and is actually demanding it. Dont be afraid, trust a man's sex drive! lol
Take him gently by surprise, be cute and act confident, try to make the setting to ur preference at the beginning so u feel more comfy. just grab him while ur watching tv or sth. or just wake him up with some touches or licks. or u can even start with sth easier like some kisses on his neck or where ever u know he gets off. Focus more on the "turning him on" part so HE continues. dont try taking all the job just because ur initiating ;) take it easy on ur part, im sure he'll help u out when he notice ur trying. talk to him about it if it helps. keep it natural and smooth and give it time. u'll go thru it :)
good luck
A
female
reader, Mixedup mind +, writes (20 August 2008):
Mixedup mind is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do know that he's only joking, but just by saying it causes me to just go distant from him and then I won't do anything for fear of the 'what if he does refuse me'. As I said, it will take me 2-3 days JUST to start fooling around with him, and after we do have sex, I am glad I did and even tell myself, 'he's not like the ex' (which is comparing them in a way, I know) , but it takes me a while to convince myself that he's not going to do what my ex used to do. Logically, I know he won't, it's the illogical part of me that holds me back. I know just what you're saying lexilou, I've done that before too and sex is always great ;) I just don't understand WHY I can't just let go and enjoy knowing he won't refuse me, we've been together for 2 1/2 years already. We typically have sex about 3-4 times a month, which isn't a lot to me, but it would be MUCH more than that if I could just get rid of this fear of rejection. Thanks for the replies, and you may be right Smiles, maybe I should go to a professional and get the help I need, was hoping to get some advise without cost. :) Thanks again
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008): I can understand your concern and that it is difficult for you to come to terms with the new situation; the fear of rejection is normal after what you have been through; However, you need to get rid of the old feelings that is deep inside; those feelings you experienced when your first husband rejected you; that could be one or numerous reasons such as: hurt, humiliation, feeling not good enough, or even guilty;
I suggest the easiest, most effective and the best way for you to overcome this issue is counseling; somebody professional that can help you on a one to one basis; how to deal with your fear of rejection and to help you to free yourself from those bottled up feelings.
I sincerely hope you get help and wish you a happy marriage and great sexlife.
Best wishes and lots of SMILES.
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A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (20 August 2008):
 If I want sex I just cuddle up to my husband and start stroking him intimately. Sometimes he may have joked dont even think about it Im too tired but I can always change his mind!! I often tease him by saying, ooh whats that, when his body responds, then I might carry on for a good tens mins and then turn away and say something like, oh youre too tired anyway. Then he will reach for me as Ive taken him past the point of no return. SO make it fun and dont think about him rejecting you, even if he says something jokingly tell him you bet you can change his mind x
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