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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi,I have just split with my boyfriend of nearly 4 years. We split up 1st time this time last year after he kissed another girl on a stag do and arranged to meet her back in the UK when we were still together. I found he had also done this before. I was devastated and thought he was the one for me.I didn't really want to break up but we had to otherwise I would seemed stupid for staying.I met someone else nearly a month later. Was a rebound thing really to keep my mind off my ex. He found out and wanted me back saying he has been a complete fool. I didn't want him back. In january I wondered if he would change and treat me well. Including being more affectionate, taking me out and showing me a good time. I gave it another go. He took me to Paris and it was great, soon after (a month or bit more)he became distant again quiet around my family and friends but ok when we were around his. He wanted to go out less and stopped being as affectionate. So recently I broke up with him as this continued and whenever I asked him what was wrong he snapped at me. He smokes weed and when he does this regularly it seems to make him weird and I don't like it. He said he was giving up when we got back together, he made so many promises and he broke them all. So I think to break up was the best thing to do.He was upset, but if he had loved me so much wouldn't he have made more of an effort to talk me out of it?It's really hard getting used to not having him there, recently we hardly saw each other anyway. We both lived at home with parents (I am 25 and he 26) and were thinking of moving out together. He seems to think that if we had moved in together everything would have worked out, but I am not so sure. We were one of those couples who sit in restaurants and say hardly anything to each other, this is how bad it got!! He didn't really make me laugh and often he would undermine me in front of others when I said something.I hope I have done the right thing but at the moment I feel a bit low and sometimes just want to cry.x
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male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (31 August 2006):
 I think the thing you have to remember, especially when you are low, is that this relationship was obviously not making you happy. Indeed from what you say it didnt seem to be making either of you happy. Breaking-up, in whatever circumstances, is hard even if it is the right thing to do in the long-run.
Ask yourself this; could you really have gone on like you were?? If you had treid to carry on is it not likely that you would have become completely depressed and, in the long-run, done yourself more damage??
Having said all that it seems to me that you have strong feelings for this guy and obviously you wanted all this to work out and made alot of effort on your part. I think you know in your heart of hearts that you did do the right thing but the thing is missing him. If the relationship was/is to any future then obviously things need to drastically change, top of the list is he needs to start communicating with you.
There is no magic formula to make somebody do this, they have to want too and the solution would not be to move in but to actually start communicating. Anyways....take care...hope that helps.
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