A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:2 weeks ago, my husband of 7 years sat me down and told me he wants a divorce. After the past 2 weeks of many talks with each other and thinking things through, we have decided/agreed to get one. In a nut shell and without going into too much detail about what was said, he confessed that he is no longer attracted to me and claims I have changed dramatically over the last couple of years. I have 2 children with him, and I found out a year ago I have diabetes. I have struggled with my weight and eating habits since my first pregnancy. As you can imagine, my body has changed dramatically. This is what my husband has/had a problem with. I'm now kicking myself in the butt for not taking better care of myself so my husband would be happy. It's just I've been so consumed with my children and the house and work, it's been a lot. During all of this I started eating very poorly. I use to have an eating disorder as a teenager. My husband and I promised to get through anything together but I guess this is something you can't really fix. You can't get rid of the damage done to my body. I do not want my marriage to end, but since I know he does, I will give him that because I don't want him to be with me if he really doesn't, that would make me feel worse. How will I move on from this? I feel like my life is spiraling out of control.
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (17 August 2015):
 Hi,
i am sorry for what you are going through.
Your husband is, may i say, a very, very shallow individual & before he judges you, his wife, i would seriously advise him, to take one long, hard look @ himself in the mirror.
Physical appearance should not be the first & foremost reason that we decide to marry somebody, it should be because of the many myriad of positive reasons too.
You are his wife, you have carried 3 children & you gave your husband the precious & magical gift of 3 children.
So your body has changed & rightly so, after carrying 3 children & yes, you are older now & yes, you've admitted to eating poorly & to being too busy to focus only on your body, but there is still absolute hope for you, absolutely!!
Shame on your husband!
Marriage ought be for life. Your husband has made the choice to leave you & from what you've stated, it has more to do with your body, than with anything else.
You & your husband could try counselling, however, if he's already made up his mind, then this may be something that he won't be too interested to entertain.
If he wishes to leave, let him go, as you've stated you will, but do not blame yourself for what he has said, do not blame yourself simply for being you, for putting weight on, do not blame yourself for anything, period!
I am sure that most, if not all readers, reading your story, will say that if there's anybody to blame, it's your husband, not you!
He should be more loving, more supportive of you & your children & actually, i doubt he is as mature & as logical as he should be, because if he were, he'd support you, encourage you to do things that will help you, in the physical sense.
You do not need him to make you feel whole, complete, to make you feel sexier, or worthier, because you are a woman, you can make yourself feel better simply by making a few simple changes to your eating habits & your lifestyle, if that's what you choose to do.
From a health standpoint, rather than from a physical standpoint, you'd truly benefit from joining a local gym, preferably womens gym, because you will meet new women, form new friendships, that will ultimately assist in your recovery, positivity, self-confidence, etc;
As the saying goes, we're all sisters in arms.
I would also strongly encourage you to join a local support group for single mothers, whereby you can form new friendships, form new support networks, discuss/share things together & also decreasing any isolation in your life.
You will also come to see, that you're certainly not alone.
Btw, there are even numerous single dads clubs around too now, so let's not forget those amazing dads, partners & husbands who have been left behind too.
When you start to do things for yourself, that make you feel better about yourself, your cofidence will improve, so too, your energy levels & whilst doing all this, guess what?
You can still be the best, most amazing mum that you already are!! & you'll realise that you are a survivor & that you've accomplished everything after your divorce, primarily on your own.
Do not ever doubt yourself & please do not allow your husbands ridiculous words, behaviour & so on, to affect you mentally.
Believe me when i say, he is so not worth it & yes, you will survive, you will come out the other side & you will get through this.
I was a single mum when i was 21 & i went back to my parents with my 4 wk old newborn son.
I ended up being so much happier in the end, because i realised/accepted that i wouldn't have been happy with an uncaring partner.
In my maturity, i found, 'the one', so it's never too late for anybody & i am sure in time to come, so long as you are positive, in a good frame of mind, you will too, if you should decide to go down the path of love again.
Not every man is hung up on the physical alone, trust me!
Not every man is shallow, nor cruel, nor non-committed long-term, nor non-consistent. Have faith!! :-)
There is much more to a woman, than just her body.
Your husband must be as blind as a bat. It is his loss, not yours.
If he thinks the grass will be greener on the other side, so be it, but he will be disappointed.
Any future relationship/s that he enters into, will have it's/their own set of drawbacks. Every new relationship, will bring with it, it's own new set of problems, baggage, issues unfortunately, yet realistically.
Please be positive, you will get through this. You sound like a very grounded & strong individual & i know you'll be ok.
Sure, the road ahead may be hard, tough, but you'll get through it & when you come out of that dark place, you'll realise that you did all that work by yourself, which will really add to your own self-worth, self-pride, but above all esle, your own self-confidence, inner strength & resilience.
Be strong, hold your head up, continue to take good care of yor children & of course, yourself, don't give your husband the opportunity to put you down, walk away when/if he does & give him no time of day, in that department.
You know your own self-worth don't you?
You don't need him to try & take any power or self-worth away from you, nor must you give him permission to either.
All the best & please do let me know how you get on. :-)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2015): "For better or worse, in sickness or health" are along the lines of the vows you both took when you married him. He obviously didn't take them seriously. Give him his divorce and focus on your own relationship with him and you will get over this heartbrake. You need to focus on yourself and you'll be happier and better off in the long run.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (16 August 2015):
 Have you considered marriage counselling? Whatever it was that brought you two to the altar must have been more than physicality?
If a divorce does go ahead, you might still benefit from a counsellor to get you through it.
I won't kid you. It can be an awful time, but you will come through it.
Sometimes you have to lose stuff so that better things can happen. And it can happen for you too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2015): Good riddance!
If he begs for you to get back "together" 2-3 years from now, do NOT take him back.
Arrange reasonable time for the children (i.e. one week at his,one week at yours or one month at his/one month at yours? I'd avoid giving him ONLY week-ends as he then gets to do all the fun stuff with them, whilst you do all the hard week during the week.)
In the week/month that you have off- concentrate on the things that YOU want. Not what a mother or a wife should do, but what YOU should do. For yourself. Like a hobby (fly with a balloon?) or go to the gym? Find time to make meal plans for yourself etc. (if that is important to you)
Honestly, the way you get over this is you realise that the only thing that you are losing is one shallow, shallow individual... His loss. Cherish your children and your time with them and enjoy your own me-time,xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2015): There is nothing you can do for him or about him.
All you can and should do now is to GET HEALTHY. For yourself and for your children. Start jogging, gyming and eating well. If you are a stay at home mum, get a job or get qualifications. You have a tough road ahead of you but you will be surprised at how much strength and resilience you have in you.
You can't change the past. But take the baby steps for a bright future.
I'm sorry for you that It's come to this. It may be the end of an era. But there can be happiness after this...
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