A
female
age
36-40,
*ophs100
writes:I was seeing a guy for a few dates and i liked him a huge amount. We were getting along really well and I think he liked me a lot too. We started having sex fairly soon after meeting because we were drunk the first time we met, which sort of paved the way for subsequent dates.The last time we met, we were quite drunk and started kissing and fooling around etc. I asked him if he had a condom and he said he did not. I think he was hoping that I would say 'oh never mind, let's just have sex without one', as he had previously asked if we could have sex without a condom. But on those precious occasions, he had always respected the answer 'no' I gave him. On this occasion though, I asked him if he could go to the shop to buy some. At this point, he said, 'I do have condoms actually'. I was really angry and told him I wanted to leave. I felt he had tried to persuade me to have sex unprotected by deceiving me about not having condoms on him, only to reveal the truth after once he realized he would have to go to the shop and purchase what he already had with him. I spent a week and a half ignoring his texts and telling him I did not want to see him anymore. The problem is, I still like him a huge amount. I can't stop thinking about him. He tells me the same thing every day and begs me to forgive him, telling me he made a stupid one-time mistake and feels he's got really close to me. I should maybe point out that this guy is korean so sometimes there is a slight language barrier between us although generally his English is pretty good.Anyway, do you think this is something I can forgive? Should I give him another chance? I really want him back in my life but at the same time, I feel that what he did was a little appalling and it's the man's job to protect the girl from pregnancy etc instead of try to force their hand by pretending they don't have condoms. At the same time though, he seems to understand he made a horrible decision and understands the consequences of losing me. My friends think I shouldn't give him another chance and that he may have pulled the same thing on other girls in the past. What should I do?
View related questions:
condom, drunk, kissing, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2015): If you want to see him again, the solution is simple. Bring your own condoms and make sure you know how to fit them on.
A
male
reader, mfj78 +, writes (12 August 2015):
Contraception is a joint responsibility. Never, ever rely on a man to do the right thing.
Ensure you are prepared and don't fool around when drunk as that's when errors of judgement occur.
Whether he lied or not about not having condoms is largely irrelevant, no protection no sex is the rule you must live by.
If he is so keen on unprotected sex with you he will probably have done it with others. You don't want STDs or an unplanned pregnancy.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 August 2015):
 First off, may I correct you on something very basic in life?
You said: "it's the man's job to protect the girl from pregnancy etc "
NO NO NO - it's not. It's his JOB to use condoms to prevent as many STD/STI and Unwanted pregnancies, IF he isn't ready to HAVE STD/STI or a baby.
It is the WOMAN's job to do the same. Which means... if you are having sex it is YOUR job (as well as his) to HAVE condoms and.. (to take birth control pills if you so choose) if you do not want to get knocked up.
IT IS NOT just his job. IT IS NOT just your job. It is resting on BOTH of you.
That means YOU go out and buy condoms too. That way if ANY guy says I don't have a condom, YOU whip one out and go, I have one...
Condoms are 98% safe IF used right every time. So LEARN how to put one on, the RIGHT way.
Being on birth-control AND using condom is really the best bet in preventing a pregnancy - but again ONLY if they are USED correctly.
And honestly? Better SAFE than sorry and knocked up.
Do I think he has learned his lesson? I doubt it. I think he is saying exactly what he thinks you want to hear. I think he HAS been careless in the past with other girls and probably gotten away with it. Which... means he really SHOULD go get a STD panel done, and so should you.
Because his careless attitude has put you at risk too.
Many men will say "I don't like the feeling of a condom" or "I don't like how they fit". "I'm allergic to latex" (they can buy non-latex ones) etc. So it it LEFT up to you to say NO condom, no sex. If they want sex.. They will use a condom.
THAT IS your job. To say no thanks to sex without a condom. And to keep YOURSELF and YOUR partner safe.
Whether you should take him back or not, is up to you.
Personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone who think playing Russian Roulette with my life and my future is totally OK.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (12 August 2015):
 Listen to your friends.
Giving him the flick is the first thing sensible thing you've done here. He could have given you Herpes, for God's sake, and there's no known cure for that.
Women write in to us all the time, belly aching about how badly they've been treated by men. If you want to be treated better you have to conduct yourself better, and keep better company.
If you could see yourself the way others see you, getting drunk and crawling into bed, you'd re-think some of your choices. Not only is it dangerous, it is just so cheap and vulgar.
...............................
|
