A
female
age
36-40,
*raciey
writes:i always caught my husband watching porn sexy gals and girl live on webcam and he masturbating i felt so really hurt.he start lied to me and even im in the house he still do it he just wait if im going to bed or busy .he always slept late i always ask him to sleep he always said his not tired yet he just pretending playing online games when im not there he start watching those girl and i found out tht he is member on tht site and have monthly bill for 1 month..i felt like cheated its really bothered me .i dont know what to do
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male
reader, movingout +, writes (15 January 2009):
When I first read this post I thought my wife was the author. I'm a guy and I've behaved the same way for a long time, though I don't subscribe to porn sites. After careful reflection I believe I act as such out of stress. Orgasms relieve stress better than anything I've ever tried otherwise I'd do something else. I'm not trying to hurt my partner by masturbating, I'm simply trying to relieve a mountain of stress in a (hopefully) discreet manner. There is a relationship component to this that can't be ignored. In my own case the fact is my partner rarely wants to have sex (once a year and I must pick up on signals that barely qualify as signals, then initiate everything). When we do have sex (in that rare blue moon lit night) it's not very satisfying. How do you tell your partner they are boring in bed? How does your relationship recover from THAT? Or, how do you convince someone with no confidence in their sexuality to be confident? I've tried for many years without any luck and, thus, have no avenue for sexual release other than through masturbation. Again, I don't do it to harm my partner but I can see how it might be taken that way. Still, what would anyone recommend? When you feel like the world is crushing you, your wife of 11 years won't touch you even though you are in outstanding physical shape, very clean, nice, always polite, and you won't have an affair out of respect to your marriage? Seems everything I try to release stress asside from masturbation temporarily delays my yearning to have an orgasm. Also, it seems the longer I go without masterbating the more my mind starts to percieve women as sexual objects.If you can figure out this one I'm certain you'd be helping a lot of men out there.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2008): Hi Babes,
Thanks for your update. Your question is very good, it's touched my heart very much and made me stop and think....
"Why dose he masturbate when you are right there. Why look at naked women when you are there in bed waiting for him..."
There are so many women on this board asking this same question. I'm coming to realise that it's not a problem with hating porn, but a problem of not understanding why he would rather not have sex with you. I don't really understand it, most men like sex rather than masturbation, but I think I'll try and explain what I think might be going on.
I keep telling women to think of pornography as a "hobby" rather than a sexual thing. It makes it easier to think about it like this. Sex is something he dose with you, it involves two people, it involves caring and loving and doing things that feel nice. Pornography is not like this. It's something very different. Pornography, like many other hobbies can be used for different things. You can learn information from pornography, you can learn different positions and movements that help you to become a better lover. Pornography and masturbation can also be used for stress relief, and that's what I think he's doing. It might be his way of relieving stress, calming down and preparing for sleep...
He can't do that with you, sex with you is more than stress relief, it's a very special thing that takes a lot of time. But a quick masturbation, something that takes 5 minutes, and helps the body and brain relax, may be his way of calming down and helping him to sleep.
Do you understand. It's definitely not about you, there is no problem with you. How do I know, well when men are unhappy, they become cold, stop making love, have affairs, avoid you and they eventually leave. This is not happening, but he gets up at night, masturbates, comes back to bed and then falls asleep.
Maybe you could ask him not to go. Masturbate him yourself, and hopefully this will relax him and allow him to go to sleep without the pornography. Just an idea babes. I'm not really sure. Ask him this same question. Why dose he have to use pornography whilst you are waiting for him to come to bed. He may not know, he may not be able to explain, but this is what I think is going on for you and many other ladies. Pornography is not really about sex, it's about other things as well, that's why I always compare it to a good book or a movie, because apart from the nudity, they are very similar, self-absorbed hobbies.
Try massage as well, before he goes to bed, message his shoulders, his legs and his body. This also helps put people to sleep...
Hope this helped.. but please update your post. As I said, you've touched my heart and made me think more deeply about the whole issue of pornography, relationships and rejection... Take care babes, and don't worry. This is never about the woman or her attractiveness to her man.
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A
female
reader, graciey +, writes (13 December 2008):
graciey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto diovan thnks for the links and advice ..
i know mastrbation is normal for man and women..but my point here why he still do it even were here the same house?there something wrong here?it could b me?im just so upset coz i dont know why he do it..he still do it even im here.i will understand if he do it if im not here wth him f we far away..but like our situation i dnt know wht to do im just over react or wht?i really need to tell about this feeling for him now
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008): Here, this is another thread, where the ladies worked hard to come to some understanding and make their relationships work, this might be helpful to you...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-addicte-to-porn-but-hes-perfect-in.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-could-he-hurt-me-by-watching-pornography.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-husbands-porn-watching-has-put-me-in.html
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008): Hi graciey,
Before you threaten him or walk out, please take a look on this board under the pornography threads and you will find that many people have similar views, but other women have found ways to solve it.
The answers you have recieved are from a people with a certain type of view. Look at this post here, this might give you a different view of the whole problem.
For me, as long as your sex life isn't suffering, he loves you and treats you well, then it would be stupid to walk away and get a divorce. But it's your decision.... Here check this thread....
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/does-he-think-about-other-women-while-we.html
Why not get up and try and seduce him, that would work better I feel than going through the trauma of a divorce. Make sure he's not spending too much money on pornography, now that's totally unfair. The advice remains the same, there is no way to FORCE a man to stop looking at porn, if it distresses you, then you really must walk away.
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A
female
reader, graciey +, writes (12 December 2008):
graciey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthnks eveyone for ur answer..im 22 years old and his 26 ..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008): How is your sex life generally (before this revelation)? I hope you are not going to receive the usual "all men do this" comments. The fact is rather than make love to you he is choosing to live in a fantasy world. He is being selfish and has not once considered your feelings or your needs in any of this - of course its hurtful you have every right to be. Its hardly going to make you feel special is it. Personally I would walk away because you deserve a guy who is interested in a sex life with a physical, living person - instead of someone who is replacing you with secretive, costly, damaging porn. Speak to him by all means but I have my doubts he will change.
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A
female
reader, bellasmommy33 +, writes (12 December 2008):
THE SAME THING WITH ME! (only he isnt a member on a site... that i know of) i even ask him for sex but he says hes too tired, then i wake up at 3 am and hes sitting there masturbating. girl i dont know what to say. i feel cheated on because im not the best looking girl around and it makes me almost jealous,.. all i can say is to maybe start acting sexy and wear sexy clothes to bed, so far its working for me, havent caught him.. yet. good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008): how old are you?
the most important thing is to be strong
tell him you need to talk
tell him exactly how you feel and everything and dont let him talk you down or cut you off or everything have you say make sure he hears and knows and be in control
tell him he needs to stop and its bad and stuff and you will leave him if he continues
do you have kids?
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