A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Good day! So here is my story and please I'm not coming here to be bashed. Cause I'm very aware I made bad choices. I met a man online 1 year ago. He was incredibly sweet, charismatic, caring. We talked for many months before I actually decided to meet. I'm a procrastinator there is no doubt about that. Before meeting though he always had some money emergency. For his siblings schooling, for his mom, got him. I sent alot , I probably bought his love as twisted as that sounds, I'm aware. I did love him unfortunately but he obviously used me and my kindness. We did meet had a great time on my expense. I paid for our hotel the whole 3 weeks and also he invited friends to come and I paid for there hotel. Cause once again it appeared no one had money but me. I fed them as well, cause yet again no one had money but me or so they say. I told him I don't like being treated as an atm, which is exactly what I was to them all. I went home and thanked God I did cause I became annoyed and felt totally used. He of course has the nerve to contact me and ask me for money and asked if I want to get back together. I did block him but hes using another number, any advice?
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get back together, money, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2021): He must have thought all of his Christmases and birthdays had come at once when he chanced on you. He will keep trying because you are one of his best and most generous victims so far. He gets loads of sex and loads of money - one way or the other. He will be online trying to find someone as gullible as you but it's quicker to convince you to forgive and forget and get you back to doing it again. He will be finding others to do this to, these people always do this as their proper job, with as many victims as possible, telling them all want they want to hear. To them it is just a job, just a way to earn a living, they do no give a hoot about you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2021): You do not seem to have learned much from this. It is obvious he is only wanting you for money and only returning to you to get more.
What I wonder is why you would want a guy who cannot pay for his own hotel, expenses, family and has to ask other people to foot the bill for him? Why would you want to be with a loser who relies on you for money all of the time? Were you hoping that you would end up married to him or living with him with you paying for the both of you and his family and friends for the rest of your life? What a terrible horrible life that would be. Yet it is what you were seeking. When a guy cannot pay his way in life he is either stupid and/or lazy. Either way why would you want to be with a guy who cannot pay his way? What would you see in a man who is stupid and/or lazy? What would you have in common? You do not share goals and he is not responsible. He also does not respect or care about other people. You are far better off single even if this is for the rest of your life than be with a man like that where you are paying him to be there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2021): Don't respond to unidentified calls! If the caller isn't in your contacts, assume it's a scam-caller, or him! You may have to change your number, and if you do; advise everyone you give it to not to share it without your permission.
Kindness is considered weakness nowadays. I'd say you might need to work on setting your boundaries; and not feel compelled to seek the approval of others. I've done the same thing; picking up the tab, or covering a friend who forgot their wallet...again and again and again! You weren't necessarily buying his affections; you wanted people to like you. You wanted everyone to know how nice and generous you are. The only mistake is not knowing when to stop; and realizing when you're being taken advantage of. It happens to all nice people, if we allow it. Sometimes it's okay, when we can afford it; but the principle and wisdom is not to be used by opportunists!
It's unlikely you'll repeat this mistake, because it will leave a lasting impression on you. You can be nice and generous; just set a limit, and know the character of the people you're extending your generosity to. It's generous to give to the needy, but expect nothing in return; but giving to the greedy is setting your self up to be used.
There is no "bashing" on this website. It is moderated, but not censored for the sake of free speech. If you don't like honest constructive-criticism; you'll never learn anything, and you'll always dodge the truth. Yes, sometimes the truth isn't coated in sugar, and maybe people will call you out when you're wrong; but it is not to hurt anyone, it's to make you see things for what they are. Sweet and sappy answers are easy to swallow; but they're pandering to your vanity, and they're sometimes condescending. Sometimes the straightforward answers hit a nerve; but the honest advice can also benefit you. Especially, if it wakes you up from denial, or opens your eyes. When you ask for advice, it comes with opinion. Nobody knows everything, and nobody here has ever said we do. We're all people here, just like you! Most of us have been there, and done that! The advice is free!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (20 August 2021):
 Sweetheart, you didn't "buy his love". You bought his attention. You were an investment to him because the time he spent chatting with you online was paid for - by you sending him money. People who are seriously interested in dating seldom hang around for months before meeting up. Con artists, whose goal is to fleece as much money from you as possible, will hang around for as long as it is lucrative to do so.
You obviously have plenty of spare cash and you sound lonely and vulnerable. Be aware that, if you continue to ignore him, he will have "friends" (i.e. other con men who are in the same line of "work" as he is) who will find you and try their luck. He will pass on your details. This is why it would be a good idea to get a new phone number, draw a line under this whole episode of your life and start afresh.
I believe the universe sends us people and situations to teach us lessons. If we don't learn the lesson, we will be presented with the same type of person/situation over and over, until we eventually do learn. See this money leech as a life lesson. Accept there are horrible people out there who will not think twice about stripping you of every last dime and be more savvy. You have first hand experience now of how they operate so should be much more aware in the future.
Brush yourself off, dust yourself down and move on.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (19 August 2021):
 Its good that you are aware that you made bad choices. This guy was a scammer who latches on to people being very nice and charming, but is only after money.
If he peruses the internet if out of 50 people only one is willing to entertain him he has met his objective.
The good thing about life is that from all the dilemmas and the up's and downs we take with us hindsight. You have made a mistake, ok you lost some money, but you could think yourself lucky you got out when you did. Especially the scenario when you met all his friends at the hotel, i hope you let people know where you was.
Instead of blocking him, change your phone, he still has you number and will try to reach you no matter what.
I'm sorry you had to go through this turmoil, but say to yourself you have learned a valuable lesson here.
Not everyone is a con artist or scammer, but just be cautious and look out for the red flags next time, which i'm sure you will be well aware of.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 August 2021):
 You are aware that you were used. You were too kind and not good at setting boundaries. SO maybe this guy was someone you "had" to met to TEACH you this lesson.
So don't beat yourself up over it anymore.
Change your number. It's probably easier than having to deal with him trying to CON you into giving him more money. I know changing your number is a hassle but it will MOST effectively cut him off.
He wants you back so you can continue to give him money. So no point in that. The guy is a user/scammer and was probably good at his "game" when you first met. Now that you know what kind of person he is, it's up to you to no repeat a past mistake. Don't talk to him. Just change your number.
You can't buy love. You know that now. NEVER mix friendships/relationships with money. Even if yo ucan afford it. It's not worth it in the end.
While you picked a user/scammer that doesn't mean you can't trust your judgement or that you have to forevermore beat yourself up for this mistake. she happens. It's life.
Also make sure you check with your bank/creditcards (if you used any on that trip) that he hasn't gotten his hands on it and used it. Check your credit score too. People like him are VERY savvy scammers.
You will know better for next time :)
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