A
female
age
41-50,
*nnascarlet
writes:I've been going out with my boyfriend almost a year and I do love him very much but recently I have been doing a lot of soul searching and am wondering if 'he's the one' etc. We get on great most of the time, but he has the ability to upset me so easily, and I have cried more in this past year more than I ever have. I don't know what to do, this is my first long term relationship and I wonder am I expecting too much of him? Should it be this way... I'm so confused about it all. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): Well first off, we choose to feel what we do and think what we do so ownership is a start.
I think he may do things or say things that you react to that as each encounter happens, you hold it against him and hope he will change but look...what are you saying and doing that triggers {there is a trigger to all of this} his reaction?
I say you both have lost the communication skills and started to blame and fault the other and this only leads to resentment, arguments, misunderstandings, and the tension builds, the trust errodes, the pain gets unbearable and no one is thinking straight and they are operating on emotions which is not good.
You both need to stop reacting and try to figure out how to better communicate.
Counselling is a start.
I also recommend a book by John Gray, Ph. D "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus." It will shed some light on to how you two talk to one another and how you listen.
Best of luck.
*hugs*
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): I think that it would benefit you to be very specific about what it is about him or what it is that he does that upsets you. Try putting it in non-threatening language, like I think, instead of I feel....I think when you do A, you are showing a lot of disrespect for me or B, can you tell me why you are doing that?
Guys need directions, they need to know the rules, not the rules, your rules....tell him what you expect from him, these are your needs, and tell him or show him how he can fulfill those needs....if he doesn't know, you can't blame him for missing the mark....if he is there with you it is because he wants to be, and if he isn't making you happy, then without just pointing out what he is doing wrong, tell him this is what I need from you, or when he misbehaves say something like, do you think that is neccessary? Call him out on his behavior when it happens, don't get all emotional and cry, guys don't always know how to deal with an emotional woman, wait until you calm down and talk to him in a logical, reasonable fashion, and he will grow all the more deeply in love with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): Hi,
It's not for me to say whether or not your boyfriend is "the one" but to me, a guy who genuinely loves and respects a girl does everything he can to make sure he never upsets her. But if he does upset her, he learns from what happened and make sure he doesn't do it again.
No person should ever make you cry, whether it is a friend, your parents or your boyfriend. So no - it should not be that way. Just my opinion.
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