A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for five years, we have been living together for three years. We are both in our 50's and divorced with three teenage children between us. He is my soul mate, we have built a stable loving home together for the kids and we are generally happy. Before we moved in together I told my partner that marriage was very important to me and that I believed in a full committment. Four months ago I proposed to my partner and he turned me down, saying that after his bitter divorce he was reluctant to marry again. I was absolutely floored as I thought he felt the same way about marriage as me. Since the proposal I just don't feel the same about my partner. I feel resentful, as if I am not good enough, but I am good enought to help bring up his children and support him. We have talked since and he admitted he did not handle it very well, however, as he feels my attitude to him has changed he feels we need to be getting on better before we look at marriage again. He does not seem to see how much it hurt me to be turned down flat, I felt such an idiot and now he is almost putting me on probation. I just dont know where to turn, I feel that my behaviour towards him has now put this relationship at risk but at the same time we need to want the same level of committment for it to work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): If you want to blow it just carry on throwing wobbly's.Maybe its a sign that you werent as happy as you thought you were. It seems to me you are going to make a mountain out of this.
Are you sure marriage is what you really want ?
If you have any doubts then your big enough to know that you shouldnt be pressuring someone into a marriage if you "both" aint 100% commited.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have had further discussion which involved a lot of arguing and an emotional outburst from me which I think suprised my partner. My partner has said that he does want to marry me just net yet and that I am putting him under too much pressure. He suggested me just go back to enjoying the relationship and try to get on the way we use to then relook at things.
I am trying hard but I still have this burden of hurt which wont go. I feel now that even if he does ask me later I have forced him into it and it won't really be what he wants. I did not want it to all end up like this, I just cant seem to feel the same way about him. I had this silly idea he would agree straight away and be delighted I had proposed and we would begin to make plans. I feel like my bubble has burst.
It's all still going round in my head all the time although now I am trying to act normally in our day to day life as it's not fair on the kids to see conflict.
Just don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Denny. Your answer was very helpful.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): I would worry about finances and legal issues. Have couple examples of my women friends who were left with nothing only because there was no legal document.It wouldn't be fair to you if something happened to him and you wouldn't be entitled to any of his estate.How I would react? It depends how I understand his motives, but.... my opinion is that there is always prenaptual agreement, and i think both adults have to have one before getting married. Otherwise I don't see how he doesn't want to marry a woman that he already lives with as a husband.And the way you feel that you are on probation is not right, after he refused he should be on probation. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): You need to stand back and look at this situation.The way i see it is that despite you getting your feelings hurt you are going to get what you want.The guy is coming around to your way of thinking.Dont go and throw a wobbly now and your home and dry.
Personally i doubt if any amount of love would ever make me want to get married again.I know where your guy is coming from.The fact that he's thinking about it.(making the same mistake twice)means he is either very stupid or he cares for you deeply.
I'm sure its the latter.
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