A
female
age
,
*eymoe
writes:I have been married for 18 years not all good but there has always been love and respect. We were partners in life. About a year and a half ago my husband went onto facebook and found an "old friend" they emailed and spoke on the phone for at least a month before my husband told me that he had done this, he was making plans to see her thats when he thought what he was doing was wrong and decided to tell me when we went out for our anniversary. He told me that she was one of his best friends from his past I had only ever heard of her as his sisters friend. I was upset but I told him I would think about it. I decided I would go we never had any friends so I thought it might be good. I called my sister in-law and told her what was going on and she got upset that her brother was talking to his ex girlfriend.I told her he said she was just a friend. apparently not. He had a relationship with this "old friend" before his first wife and she tried to break up that relationship. when they did break up she stated calling him all the time that is when they were just friends although she told my husband in one of those emails that she was in love with him back then. By the way he deleted all the emails when he knew I wanted to see them because "he can't control what other people write". So he ended up closing his fb account that he only had 1 friend on, I told him he didn't need to close his account but that he should not have ex girlfriends and leave it on fb no phone calls and personal messages.A year passes and I notice he has another old girlfriend on his new fb account. I let it go for a couple of weeks to see if he would tell me, he didn't so I confronted him he was so angry and wanted to know who told me, I told him nobody I knew about this one because he kept a picture she gave him hanging on our bedroom wall for 12 years until I got rid of it. He then told me that it eas ok for him to have her cause he wasn't talking to her off fb but he was talking to another woman on the phone that was never an ex girlfriend. When I asked him again if he was hiding what he was doing he said no but when I checked his messages they were deleted at least the ones with her.So I asked him to stop she was texting him everyday. He sent her a message telling her that i was nuts and I thought they were having an affair which I didn't so she got upset and removed him from her friend list. Now I don't trust him and he doesn't understand why. He truly believes he did nothing wrong he doesn't remember promising no old girlfriends he doesn't remember lying to me, or promising to keep it online. So now he gets really mad when I question things he is doing or saying. I don't think I can ever trust him again. I need some feedback I don't know to do if I am being unreasonable.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (23 September 2010):
 Not abrasive crabgoat, your speaking directly from your own experiences, which makes you very sensitive to abuse.
However, she this wife is allowed to have friends, is allowed to go out, so I don't see her as totally isolated and alone.
I am very, very concerned that she is not allowed to have people in her home. Why dose he do this dear wife, how long has this been going on. Does he have problems with your family and friends, does he dislike them? Is he allowed to have his friends and family to visit, while he denies your the rights to visit.
Again, everyone's experiences are different. Everyone seeks to be right, everyone seeks to blameless and turn issues to blaming someone else. All human's do this, that's why we have arguement's and conflicts, that's why we learn to compromise from when we are very little.#
If the standard is, anyone who disagrees with you, is seeking to minimize or invalidate you, then we end up with a ton of divorces, as husband and wife both accuse each other of doing this.
He could also argue, that he has been isolated, watched, ISOLATE, INVALIDATE, MINIMIZE, DENY... he could claim he's suffering from emotional abuse as he's has to ask his wife's permission to talk to people....
I've taken this wife's words to heart. She says it's a love match, she says her husband has her trust and she says he's her soul mate... that dosen't sound like your situation at all, and dosen't suggest to me emotional abuse.
But I may be wrong.. This is only my humble and flawed opinion.
No I've never been abused, because I'm sensitive about abuse having watched women been abused all my life and having to go and physical fight on their behalf many, many times. I've seen more than emotional abuse, (although I've seen that too) I may not have lived the experience, but more than once I've had to call the police, clean blood of the walls and try and convince the woman to leave..
Please accept my advice was given with due concern to this wife's situation. I think the aunts all would be happy this post was updated with some happy news for us all.. :)
A
female
reader, heymoe +, writes (22 September 2010):
heymoe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwow this is amazing how supportive everyone is here thank you for your comments and insight
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A
female
reader, crabgoat +, writes (22 September 2010):
He has alienated her from family and friends. She has not had family over in 12 years!!!! What kind of man does that? That's emotional cruelty in my opinion. Also strange women calling the house. Watching porno. I am sorry but I refuse to sugar coat this blatant abuse of a wife! Not only does he isolate her form family and friends, he minimizes and trivializes her feelings and his outrageous behavior! He labels her "nuts"to other women, he dismisses her concerns. He is secretive, the list goes on. His MO is to isolate her, this way he removes her support system, this puts him in total control to MindF...K with her. He invalidates her so that her perceptions are muddled. She begins to question if she really is "Crazy" because she has no friends, no family to help her see, sort things out. He is in total control.ISOLATE, INVALIDATE, MINIMIZE, DENY....classic behavior of an emotional abuser. Trust me I have lived this. One night in despair I googled "verbal abuse" because like Heymoe I was to ashamed to ask the people I knew. Clearly I was still in denial, didnt want to expose my dirty laundry! I turned to the internet looking for help. You have no clue what hell she is living, its gut-wrenching. So....until you have walked a mile in her shoe's only then can you fully understand and give her the advice she needs to hear. She has to take control of her situation. If she feels her marriage can be saved I suggest they go to counseling.My apologies if I come off abrasive but I can get a little passionate about this subject.
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A
female
reader, crabgoat +, writes (21 September 2010):
Do not let him manipulate you into questioning your own perceptions and feelings about his lack of respect for you. He is denying that certain events happened,has lied to you, calls you "nuts", minimizes his behavior, is secretive, seeks out other women, all RED FLAGS!!! He is emotionally and verbally abusive towards you. If you want to save your marriage I suggest you go to counseling, otherwise I think his behavior is only going to escalate. Look at it this way, how would he feel if you did it to him?
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (19 September 2010):
It's funny the impressions we get from the short story you first provide. Thanks for updating your post, my opinion of you was wrong, and with more details I can see why this is causing you hurt and problems.Gamine's post actually made me think twice.. Why all of a sudden does your husband feel the need for all these women friends? He didn't need them before, but now all of a sudden there is all these women? I was concentrating on the wrong thing, not seeing this change of behaviour as a matter for concern, but looking at questions of love, trust and freedom, which I thought was sadly lacking.Yes, having no friends in common is a big problem. So is him making your family and friends feel unwelcome.Working 2 jobs, a sick family, must be stressful for you. You must feel alone and unsupported.But then again, so must he, you are busy with work and family, that doesn't leave much time for romancing a husband. I can now understand the contact with these women. No I don't think he's cheating, you are right, he's your soulmate as you say, and there's always been trust.But Gamine is also right, behaviour has changed in your husband, all of a sudden he's surrounded by women he loved from the past. Not usual behaviour, it's a man who is seeking some type of attention.I'm not blaming you and I'm not blaming him. I think there is love between you, and trust and the ability to communicate and think of the other person's needs. But this has broken down, now you have reason to doubt and your trust is going. He is acting differently and is making dumb excuses.I think your marriage is under pressure at the moment, because there is so much stress your going under, and your husband is helping by causing you distress, worry and jealousy. I believe if you can manage to talk together honestly without fear, you will become stronger as a couple. I also believe than rather than watching him and upsetting yourself, taking some time to bring back romance, laughs, and some fun into your life and marriage will make him stop wanting other women to boost his ego. Time for dates, presents and lovely romantic stuff.. do not fight, it's not worth it. It's important more than ever for you both to strengthen the love and remember why you have done 18years together.The women are not the problem, they are just the symptom of things going wrong in your marriage. Please deal with it as best as you can. Let love for your husband guide you, as well as the life with this man you have always dreamed of and wanted.If your past agreements and promises no longer suit, after 18 years you can review them and make better arrangements for now. These arrangements should include going out as a couple and having friends as a couple, and being able to welcome friends and family into your home. But that's what I like in my relationship. You and your husband may decide on different rules, but work together to decide what is good behaviour and what is accepted, and what is forbidden, then pour on lots of love, and try to make special times when you can be together.Time for 2nd honeymoon I think.. :) Again thanks for writing back and clarifying the problem that you are having.
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A
female
reader, heymoe +, writes (19 September 2010):
heymoe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo answer to Miamine no we have no friends as a couple and that is a big part of the trouble we have been having. He has his friends at work and I have mine. In 18 years we have gone out with other people a handful of times. He does not like me to have people come over to our house the last time I did he treated her like shit and he told me if I ever had anyone over again he would make sure they new they were not welcome here. My family is not even allowed over anymore.
As for the checking up on him I never did that until the first time he lied to me about the old friend. we shared an email account for probably 12 years when he got his own email account because I told him he shouldn't be getting porn sent to our account because the children also used the account.I didn't care what he did as long as it was just online when he started taking it off the internet and into our life I got mad.
During this past year and a half I have been dealing with my brother sick, he needed a liver and kidney transplant and my mother in a nursing home for 4 months and I was working 2 jobs. My brother died 2 months ago. I didn't need him having to get off the phone with me because he had another woman calling him. So have I been crazy maybe but I didn't need this in my life at this time.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (19 September 2010):
"I have been married for 18 years not all good but there has always been love and respect."
What does not good mean, what type of problems have you and your husband been having?
"I decided I would go we never had any friends so I thought it might be good"
What do you mean no friends.. do you and your husband have no friends at all?
He talks to one woman, you get upset, he talks to another, again your upset and he has to delete his facebook account. You must act as you feel is right, but aren't you exhausted monitoring who your husband talks to. You check his computer usage, you check his telephone calls, you decide who he can talk to and who he must avoid.
Dosen't sound much like an equal relationship. Sounds like a young boy who is controlled by his mother. I don't know many men who would put up with a woman who tells them who to talk to and when.
Your husband thinks that you are nuts.. that's what he thinks, and that's why he said it. The woman you talked to thinks the same, that's why she deleted him, he's too much trouble to talk to, because his wife get upset easily and will make trouble.
My mother always said, if you have a bird, let it fly and be free, if it loves you it will come back, if it doesn't, there's no love there. I'd rather have a free bird who wants me, than lock it in jail and watch it day and night to make sure it never runs away.
If your husband wants to cheat, I'm sure there are women on the street and at work that he can have affairs with. He tells you what he's doing, but it doesn't matter, you have never trusted him and your not going to start now.
You must act as you feel is right.. but I personally wouldn't be happy with this kind of control in a relationship that is supposed to be built on love and not surveillance and frightening other people away. Is he with you because he loves you, or because you make it impossible for him to be free?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 September 2010):
 You are not being unreasonable. Exes have no place in a marriage, and your husband has no right getting all "nostalgic", calling, planning to meet, or otherwise communicating with his exes if you're in any way uncomfortable about it. The fact that he broke it to you on your anniversary just infuriates me to no end.
The fact that he's telling them that you're "nuts" is an even worse thing, because he has no business comparing you or discussing you to exes in any way.
You're right in putting your foot down. To get your message across, refrain from getting hysterical, crying, or going emotionally out of control. Ask him how he would feel if you were comparing him unfavorably to an ex of yours and planning to meet an ex behind your back.
Back up what you say with consequences if he continues to dismiss this issue with you. You do not have to put up with this. As I've said to many other people, reconnecting with an ex does not fall under the umbrella of simple friendship, so if he tries the "you're controlling, you won't let me see my friends!", just respond "Just the one's you've either had or wish you had sex with!". With exes, there are always residual feelings, and there ARE such things as emotional affairs. If he's telling these other girls things he can't tell you, it's already there.
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