A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a man for 5 months now. The last two months have been especially stressful. He has subjected me to the "silent treatment" for over a month and just recently started cursing towards me. On Thursday I was trying to text him and ask him a question. He was at work and didn't answer. I thought maybe something was wrong because I hadn't heard from him the night before. So I texted again asking if he was ok. He responded but told me to "back the f*** off and that he was busy at work and home and to give him a GD break" Let me tell you that I do NOT text him all the time. Things have been bad so I've been giving him his space. So needless to say I didn't text him again. The next day I asked him if he was okay again. He responded with "leave me the f*** alone, I'm busy at home with my kids and a I have a buddy in town". I had had enough of him talking to me this way without giving me any explanation so I told him "goodbye, don't contact me again and good luck". He responded with "ditto". This is a 39 year old man!! So, I emailed him and let lose on how he has treated me over the last few weeks and especially the last few days. I didn't curse. I let him know that I felt disrespected and hurt by his comments and that there were different ways he could have said these things without being so hurtful. So, why do I feel guilty for ending the relationship when he has been treating me poorly for weeks with no explanation except that he is busyat work?I feel somewhat like I've been emotionally abused the last few weeks. Could this be possible?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 October 2013):
 There's really nothing confusing about this. He's not able for whatever reason to give you the relationship you want. The relationship is 5 months old with the last 2 months being problematic and the last month is pfffft nothing.
You are hanging on to a pffffftt nothing. He SHOULD this, he SHOULD that. Well he isn't SHOULDing anything.
So, with a relationship of less than 6 months, why are you so heavily invested that you can't let him go?
If you are hanging on with both hands and want complete explanations for every moment he's spent for the past 5 months then you need to let go… You're in the creepy stalker phase. If a guy was posting this question with the same info you'd given we'd be shouting at him to stop, already. So stop, already. It's creepy and weird and you need to find counseling if you can't see that now.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 October 2013):
 Sorry but the horse just keeps showing up, quit beating it.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (15 October 2013):
 I said LIKE a tool.
We'll just have to agree to disagree about what we think is reasonable. But bear in mind I'm not the one whose boyfriend is telling her to give him space. If your style was working you wouldn't be here, would you? Food for thought.
As for an apology I wouldn't bother offering or waiting for one. Given you're inclination to feel responsible for everyone's happiness I suspect you've over used the word anyway. So give it a rest. There really isn't a need to have a long drawn out talk with him. It would be more beneficial if you simply implemented your plan without making any announcements. Actions speak louder than words and your boyfriend is not interested in yet another long chat about your feelings. If you want things to be different, then you have to start acting differently.
You know, there are quite a few books out there that might help you. There's one published in the 70's but the title escapes me. I'll post it if I remember it. Your library will have a lot of them and that would cost you nothing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2013): I am the anon----@Ciar...did you call me a "tool"??? lolFirst of all I do truly appreciate your insight and I'm trying to understand. My response is in no way in anger at all. I don't think it tells people you are totally dependent on them when you send a text hours apart. Especially if you have a close, intimate relationship with someone. Believe me, I was not sitting around staring at my phone, chewing on my nails, waiting for a response. I do have a full like, which is why his comment about my "getting a hobby" was so offensive. He's most certainly not all that and is much lower on my radar because of the way he has treated me. And when you say what he said to me was "tame", I would probably agree with that. But that would mean that I WAS at fault and so an apology would be something I should give him?? I do understand that I was probably bothering him but again his response SHOULD warrant an apology as well if I am apologizing for apparently smothering him. Right??I'm so confused.... :-(
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (15 October 2013):
Thanks for the follow up. Ok, first off, if a boyfriend ignored me, made no attempt to contact me for two weeks, he would no longer be my boyfriend. People I know and aunts and uncles here have said something similar (in other threads). Yet you stayed after being ignored for a MONTH. You have got to draw a line somewhere instead of hanging around like a tool waiting for him to call you.And yes, making a habit of sending someone another text, and then another, even hours apart, when you don't hear from them, is unreasonable. It tells people that you are totally dependent on them and have nothing else going on in your life that you can't widdle away hours waiting for them to respond. If you don't hear from someone, then don't contact them again. If it's someone you're fairly close to, they will at some point contact you, even if it's about something else (at which time you can bring up whatever it was you texted them about if it was something specific). If it's not someone you're that close to then you'll either never hear from them again, or they'll contact you after several months, or maybe you'll run into each other and renew the acquaintance. Here's an example. The other day I sent a close friend a text messages asking for some computer advice. He hasn't yet responded to me, but I won't contact him about it again. You know why? Because I assume he is busy or perhaps tired (he has been busy lately), or perhaps he is looking into the answer for me. And you know what? I'm not worried because he will have given me an answer or I will have obtained the information elsewhere before I have to make a decision. Either way, I won't be left high and dry because I am not depending on him. And we will continue to be good friends.OP, being so dependent upon someone else leaves you vulnerable to exploitation and makes you a burden to that person. The solution to your fears is to overcome them, not have others cater to them. The latter offers only a false and fleeting sense of security, and it infringes upon the freedom of others. No one can really be themselves with you if they have to be forever careful about not letting you down. Most women are not clingy, OP. Most women enjoy their personal space and freedom a great deal. And while your boyfriend would certainly benefit from learning to express himself more effectively, you cannot expect him to assume the responsibility of governing your behaviour. You wouldn't poke someone in the eye, then keep doing it until they told you to stop, would you? Of course not. You're an adult and there are SOME things you should be able to figure out for yourself. As far as harsh words go, what he said was tame. He was angry, not abusive. He told you to back off and give him space. And he used a cuss word. Big deal. Sometimes we have to be a little extra firm with people when we think they aren't getting the message. If you don't want the silent treatment for a month, then don't hang about for a month. You won't always know what your limits are until you've reached them, and when you do, you draw the line and extricate yourself from an unhappy situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2013): I am the anon----@Ciar...I can relate to some of what you're saying for sure. Wanting an immediate response at work is not accurate. In fact, I texted him twice over a three hour time span before he came back and "yelled" at me. Was that unreasonable? When I emailed him the next day, I sent two emails within a two hour time span. Is that unreasonable? It's not like I'm sending him something every 5 min or 30 min. I understand he has a lot going on.The self validation is a possibility because I have had abandonment issues as a child, so kudos to you, and I have tried to communicate that too him. But I think that may have come back into play because he did give me the "silent treatment" for a month, after a disagreement. I think I did start to have a little more clinginess after this, but with good reason. After he was talking to me, I told him that the "silent treatment" was hurtful and cruel and I would not go through that again, he seemed receptive and made an effort to respond to me. So, I was having less anxiety before the verbal responses. Most women I think are a little clingy. I don't think giving someone the "silent treatment" for a month, or talking to someone the way he did is any excuse for not communicating his needs effectively. If I was bothering him in some way he could have easily said something and I would have backed off. Believe me, I don't want to be labeled as clingy and needy. If someone is not able to communicate their needs and then hold me at fault I don't think I want to be with that person anyway. Thoughts?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 October 2013):
Why feel guilty? He wants to be gone. Good riddance. What you need to address now is why you would ever allow a man to treat you this way. Do some deep thinking on it or get some counseling before you start a new relationship.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (14 October 2013):
OP, I guess I'm going against the grain here but when I read your post the word 'needy' came to mind.
The man gave you the silent treatment for over a month, yet you stuck around. You text him while he's at work expecting an immediate response and when you don't get one you poke him with some bologne 'concern' for his well being. Yes, yes, you're going to tell me it was genuine but you'll only fool yourself with that (well clearly not only yourself based on the responses you've received thus far). It's the ruse you use to demand his immediate attention while trying to guilt him into not being annoyed with you for it.
Then you dump him when you'd had enough, but contact him YET AGAIN afterward. This tells me you really had no intention of letting him go. It was just another desperate bid for attention. All of your communication so far has been one sided, self focused, and ill timed.
I don't know him well enough to know if he is a brooding asshole or just a man at the end of his tether. He could have handled this far better than he did, we can agree on that, but I do think you rely heavily on external validation and he's fed up having the be the main provider of it.
I suspect on some level you're aware of what you're doing and this self deception you're engaged in and that may explain your guilt. Perhaps, due to some trauma suffered earlier in life you feel responsible for everyone's happiness and that they are for yours and when someone walks away unhappy, you're to blame. Maybe a combination of the two.
OP, I don't know if you should try to fix this. I do think the ball is in his court and if it's meant to be he will contact you. Until you hear from him again and he says he wants to continue seeing you, don't send any more emails, texts or make any more phone calls. Take some time to reflect on this experience and learn to be your own source of validation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2013): I am the anon----
Someone please respond....Why do I feel like I'm the one that should apologize? I think the only thing I did wrong was send a couple of emails, probably not at the most opportune time...I did tell him not to contact me again but I'm having second thoughts and I don't understand why.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2013): I am the anon----
The only thing I did wrong was email him two times before he responded with the "leave me the f*** alone" comment. So essentially I did not do anything wrong. Do you think my actions warranted that response? There were serious communication issues in this relationship, on his part.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 October 2013):
 I agree with Auntie Babbit
YOU feel bad because you don't understand what you did wrong (and I BET you that you DID absolutely NOTHING wrong at all) - however, you found out that this guy was a turd in tinfoil not a prince charming and you DUMPED him.
Even if you dump the slimiest creature it still feels a little bad, because most women are raised to be NICE girls and to try and nor hurt anyone's feelings.
GOOD for you for cutting him lose - block his number - remove him from your life and chalk this one up to a learning experience - never judge a book by it's cover, but trust your gut. He might have SEEMED like a good guy at first glance but he sure wasn't.
Stop feeling guilty or bad. He isn't worth it.
Realize JUST how much better life is without him in it.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (13 October 2013):
 You HAVE been abused but your free of him now and you should be proud of yourself for standing up to him.
Take some time to recover from this but never speak to him again and thank your lucky stars he's out of your life.
His behaviour was appalling but this was his failing not yours.
I hope you feel better soon AB x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2013): I am the anon----
He does have an anger issue that's for sure and at times I've been scared when he is angry and he's not angry at me. He has definitely changed since we first started dating. I feel like I've been controlled and manipulated in a way. I have never had a relationship like this before. It's almost like he made himself out to be "prince charming" to suck me in and then once he got me he turned into something totally different. I should feel scared to text or email him because I'm afraid of what his response will be and that's how I've felt for weeks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2013): Honestly he has never apologized for his behavior. I'm feeling ashamed and embarrassed. I didnt mean for things to end this way. I don't believe I was "blowing up his phone" like he suggests. I had sent two emails with no response and the last email I asked him to respond so I knew he had received them. That was when he responded so mean. I don't understand why women are called psycho or "bunny boilers" if they just have a genuine concern for someone. How difficult is it to just respond back and say "everything is good, I'll get back to you whenever". There's no reason to just let things build up to where both partners are frustrated and then blame it on the woman.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (13 October 2013):
You feel guilty because you're a nice person but you have nothing to feel guilty about. He's treated you like dirt and all you've done is stand up for yourself.
My gut feeling, reading your letter and this man's reactions to you, is that this man is very married or in a serious relationship.
Your texts are scaring him because I think his partner is suspicious and probably checking up on him, hence the no contact rule, every time you contacted him he risked getting caught.
Your insistence on keep texting was probably terrifying him thinking he had a "bunny boiler" on his hands.
I think you're well rid of this guy and have nothing to feel bad about.
I hope things work out for you and this advice helps ABx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2013): First of all, you just don't talk to a woman like that, period. He obviously has some head problems sorry to say. You did not deserve that kind of treatment. Giving you the silent treatment and cursing at you is all abuse. Verbally and emotionally. If a guy speaks to me that way I cut him off and I don't care what he is going through. If he apologized to you and said I have been under some stress then maybe you could say hey it's okay but that is not the case. There is just no excuse for it. When a guy has anger issues it is time to look at his history and see if he's had good relationships with other women and if he didn't love his mother. For you, you need to take time for yourself and if you feel hurt inside cry, get angry, and seek counseling. Sometimes there are groups for women who have been abused. I went for rape counseling and really helped me. To know that a lot of men have abuse issues and never get help because it is normal to them to treat women like this. You did the right thing in saying goodbye. There is someone better for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2013): Ya, you've absolutely been abused, but the bigger question is why do/did you even tolerate 1 episode of it? I don't know why you are feeling guilty, but I think a few sessions of therapy would be good for you in reflecting and figuring out your self-esteem and thinking.
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A
female
reader, OrchidRose  +, writes (13 October 2013):
 Hi Anonymous,
I've been trying to make sense of my guy's silent treatment too and stumbled across an article on emotionally unavailable men.
You should look it up. It described him to the T.
You are feeling guilty because you are a genuinely nice person.
No human being should be treated the way you are. If someone really loves you they wouldn't say the things you were told.
His behaviour is typical of a coward. Not coming out with the truth of why he won't see you, he makes you feel like the 'bad party' who is bothering him.
As people have told me on this site... YOU DESERVE MORE.
You are not a doormat. Lift your head up high and find someone who can treat you like a woman.
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