A
female
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anonymous
writes:my bf and I have been together 3 years, he is 26 i am 21, we where having sex the other night and he said that i was smelly and slimy and that i needed to take a shower, once we finished he said that i was smelly again and that i was dirty and that his penis was sore, I am really hurt by these comments, i am a very clean person and after the sex i could not smell anything strange on any part of my body, im so scared now of ever having sex again, im worried he might leave or cheat now becasue he is not happy sexually. (and no he was not saying this stuff in a kinky way) he was being serious. my heart is broken, its totally destroyed my self esteem, i am already shy in the bedroom, this does not help. what should I do, I have not told him how I feel, he is acting like normal like what he said would have no effect on my feelings.
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male
reader, Green +, writes (18 November 2006):
It sounds like he's afraid to tell you the truth about something. Really, the only question I would ask if I were you is "Why would you say something so hurtful?" If he shrugs your question off or acts aloof then it's time to tell him that you don't think you can have a life with someone who would rather insult you than share his true feelings. It's unlikely that you are dirty or smelly, but it IS likely he is afraid to be truthful about what is really bothering him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2006): Oh my, he knows that his words affected you deeply. This is how some jerks operate. They love to plant little seeds of self-doubt in the people they claim to love. Don't kid yourself. I think you need to get strong and realize the 'honeymoon is over' , dear. The way he treated you was emotional abuse and this is a huge 'red flag' that this relationship has run it's course. It will get worse. He's a coward who cannot come clean and tell you, that it's time to end this. Why don't you do it for him. His treatment of you was not love and I think you know it. I am sorry, but there is no other way. Let this one go because a woman who stays with a man who desroys her self-esteem usually has her own emotional issues. Don't prove me right.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (17 November 2006):
 You are worried he may leave...personally I would be chucking him out of bed and out of the door. Sex smells - men smell as much as women...it is just a fact of life and most people are aroused by those smells to a degree. If he doesn't like your body then suggest he doesn't have sex with you...he is manipulating you really! Trying to control you in everyway - this is the start of a slippery slope into more general abuse. He senses you are insecure (...you are by your reaction to this - your first thought was 'what is he gets sex elsewhere now?'). Walk away from this man now and find someone to treat you nicely.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (17 November 2006):
 I agree with the aunts that say dump the insensitive jerk, he will only bring you down. He obviously has some major issues towards women and needs therapy. He also needs the curb.
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A
male
reader, kjoe +, writes (17 November 2006):
Boo-hoo, his penis hurt...
Obviously, your b/f is only concerned with his satisfaction and his agenda.
I think he is trying to tell you in an ugly way that he is just hanging around for the sex and will jump at the chance to be with someone else should the opportunity present itself. Pity that chick...
Your b/f has no class and doesn't care about you or your feelings. His immediate concern is his sore penis, what should that tell you.
I am sure that once you dump this self-absorbed creep, you will open the door to have someone worthwhile and caring in your life.
So what if he goes out and finds someone new. His ego and insensitivity will scare them away too. There are waaaay too many great guys out there for you to be around than to have to deal with Mr. Insensitive and his line of bull.
Move on, sister, be the dumper, not the dumpee...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2006):
After what this guy has said to you, I can not believe you would then go to to say "im so scared now of ever having sex again, im worried he might leave or cheat now"
What this guy said shows that he is completely insensitive to your feelings. How can a guy possible care about you and say those things? Answer - he can't. You need to look within yourself, find your self-respect and respectfully tell this guy exactly what his problem is and tell him it's over. If you pursue a sexual relationship with him, your self-esteem will slowly be destroyed.
Do you not see? People say things such as the critical things your boyfriend said to crush your self-esteem. It is how someone gains control over you and over the relationship. I'm sure if you do a bit of probing in to his history, you'll quickly find the reasons for why he is so seemingly careless about hurting you. His comments are very worrying, because it seems to highlight a dirtyness about sex, particularly directed towards women. Should you be worried about him doing it again? Yes. Should you be worried about it getting worse? Yes. Should you be worried about his level of faithfulness. Yes. Get out whilst you can and find a loving, caring, restful guy.
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A
female
reader, Arabyesque +, writes (17 November 2006):
Um. I don't get why you're hurt. Sex can be messy and smelly and crazy. That's the reality. He asked you to have a shower, that's all-- why on earth are you heartbroken by this? A smarter reaction would've been to say, "sure, care to join me?". He's acting normally, which means he isn't about to break it off with you and he didn't mean to hurt you. Don't you want to be able to talk about things candidly? If he's dirty, you can tell him to take a shower, and if he think you're dirty, he ought to be able to tell you the same without it being some huge melodramatic scene. Honestly-- get over it. Tell him you were annoyed by his tone and by his implication that it was your fault. After all, during sex, HE was the one making you dirty. But other than, GET OVER IT.
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