A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Been seeing a bloke from work and he has told me he suffers from depression he told me he really liked me but could not see me anymore as he would let me down cause of his depression and wanted to protect..we have stopped seeing each other as i can't force anyone to be with me..i must add it was him that did all the chasing not me..Anyway since we had this talk i have sent him a few lighthearted emails saying how are you as i have sensed its been awkward between us. He has replied but the last one he never did when i did ask a question about him finding a new home. Someone at work keep telling me to sort things out with him and then just emailled me telling me to gave him a wide berth. He spoke with this guy and he also confirmed that he felt awkward with me and this person said well sort it out with her and he said he cant be arsed...Now is this the depression talking or is it just a case of what he told me about liking me was lies just to get rid of me cause if you did you would want to sort the awkwardness...i would like to sort things out so i could feel comfortable talking me him again but once you get told someone cant be arsed what are you supposed to do???? This is all really hurting my feelings, please help...
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice...yes i would like to be around for him as a friend however, when someone tells you that person cant be arsed to speak to you to sort the awkwardness, how do you approach them with this in the back of your mind...shall i leave him alone for a week or so and see what he is like then
A
male
reader, mezameo  +, writes (20 June 2008):
Hi,
I have the same situation as your "boyfriend". I have been with a girl that I have left many times and returned to because I love her dearly.
The problem is that my depression creates huge wells of anger. When most people feel at ease I begin to feel anxious with very negative thoughts in all kinds of situations. Sometimes I awake from sleep lying next to my girlfriend and the thoughts in my head are screaming "you don't love her, get over it and move on." This kind of thinking is very hard to reconcile.
If your "boyfriend" is anything like me, he doesn't want to deal with this kind of self-imposed negative thinking. It's just too painful. I speak from experience when I say the real hell in my life is trying to give myself to my girlfriend when every cell in my body is fighting against it.
As the other posters said, there is not much you can do to help him. He really has to get through this on his own. Or at the very least, without sexual distractions. For many years, sex has been a very good way to avoid dealing with my depression. Falling deeply, madly in love is the best drug in the world. But for people with depression it is even more profound as it gives us a chance to avoid confronting our demented evil cousin named depression.
If you are not too heavy in the relationship, I think you should just let things go. Check in from time to time, but remember he can't be changed from the outside.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): Depression is a serious and difficult condition and it can sap the energy of the person suffering and everybody around them. This man is aware of this and is warning you away from him. Accept that he is unwell and unable to have a relationship with you at the moment and leave it at that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): Firstly, you should detach yourself from him sentimentally as he is very instable and you cannot help him, or anybody else for that matter, if this happening drains you of energy and hope and leaves you unable to succeed in other areas of your life.There is not much you can do for him except for reassuring him of your friendship and good disposition. If what he says is true and not a pretext, then he has emotional baggage and is placing himself in illicit contradiction, being resistant to a good change. The preferring to isolate himself is explained by his finding shelter in this disorder. At times people don't want a cure and identify their disease with a familiar place they can huddle in and are strangely inured to. You can tell him he can count on you as a dear friend and encourage him to think positively and to seek solutions to his uneasiness. If you eventually get to discuss the roots of his problem, do not feel responsible in case he becomes more distant or his situation worsens, since you don't have expertise in this delicate field, and it would be preferable that he seeked assistance, which you can suggest in a favourable moment or once you have surpassed a certain level of confidence. Again I must stress, don't get more involved if the situation demoralises you and saps your strength in such way that your own stability becomes doubtful.
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