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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: About five months ago, my boyfriend of two years and I had his a very, very rough patch. We couldn't speak, never truly "clicked" like we used to, but still, both of us were committed. One night, we both broke down crying over the rough patch, and (I thought) it was over, but because of miscommunication, he thought we were on a break. I did not cope well with the breakup, drank too much, and did something I have never done before: Had a one-night stand. After that night, I checked my email and saw that he had written an email asking about what our "break" meant ie, how long, when/what to talk about before deciding if we truly wanted to be separated. We did get back together, and things have been better than they ever have been before. He's affectionate, talkative, we're connecting amazingly... but I have started feeling more guilty than ever about what happened while I thought we were broken up. What I'm wondering is if he would be able to forgive me knowing I thought we were completely separated at the time, or how or if I even SHOULD tell him. I am one to never forgive any sort of cheating, but he is what I feel is "the one," when I have never believed in that before. Thank you so much.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2012): I wrote this question anonymously without an account, so I don't know how to respond to the responses! Thank you all for your feedback. On the one night stand, I did know the person (no contact since then, however) and used protection and had my regular gyno visit/tests done that week, so I am very, very clean and clear of any and all STIs.
All of the responses are so very helpful.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): For the record OP, if I was him I wouldn't want to know. I'd only want to know if you had an STD from it or you cheated, but you didn't cheat.
Even if I thought we were still together, the fact you had actually broken up with me and were in your mind single means whatever you did with anyone else during that period is nothing to do with me and I'd rather not have to deal with the idea that you were with another guy just because you feel guilty. I do think I'd find it too hard to look past the fact that I assumed we were together. I'd probably consider it cheating amidst the pain of finding that out, so I'd rather I didn't find out, if you know what I mean.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): Hey I agree with Cerberus, why bring this up? It will, I believe, end your relationship.It was a one night mistake, and you regret it, you two weren't together what you did was your business.. Now if it had been you two were talking about getting back together at the beginning and he asked you did you do anything silly.. Then I would say it would be better to be honest.. However that's not the case here, so forget it move on and enjoy what you have..Take care sweetie, merry crimbo when it comes
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): A break is the same as a break up in my opinion so you did nothing wrong. You just went out, assumed you were single and got with another guy.
As long as you don't have an STD (get checked if you haven't already) or are not pregnant from this then I don't see how it's relevant to anything.
No need to feel guilty OP, it doesn't matter what he assumed, you were broken up in your mind, you didn't cheat because you had broken up.
Let me ask you, if one person is broken up with the other, does it really matter what they assume? Nope, it only takes one person to break up OP and if that's what you thought then that's what it really was.
It doesn't matter what you did while you were broken up, it's the past now and it's none of his business unless he specifically asks.
You did nothing wrong, you have nothing to feel guilty about and is it really worth creating a problem when there actually isn't one?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): Some people think you don't need to tell your BF the truth. Those people are ignoring the fact that you are now carrying a new STI risk (from a one night stand, no less!). Your BF has the right to know about it, plain and simple. You may find that risk acceptable but you are not your BF and he has the right to make that choice for himself.
If you miscommunicated then you need to straighten it out with the truth, not pile lies on top of it to avoid dealing with the consequences of what you both said and did. You might see this whole thing as an accident better left forgotten, unimportant for your relationship. But you are not your BF. IT IS his business and he has the right to his own feelings about it, good or bad.
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A
female
reader, Warm-Inspire  +, writes (14 December 2012):
 In my opinion, its a no brainer, you SHOULD tell him.
Explain that it was a misunderstanding and you made a huge mistake, and that you are telling him because you love him and want a fresh start to your relationship NOT because you feel guilty. The longer you leave it, the worse it will eat at you, and if it does come out in some way in the future the worse the consequences could be.
If you think he is the one and you have made a fresh new start, its better to start your new connection with you both knowing that you can be trustworthy of eachother.
You should also consider that breaks sometimes mean different things to different people, it can sometimes mean that you are no longer exclusive to eachother for that time and are exploring your options/possibilities before you decide to continue with your partner.
If love really conquers all (and there is obviously something there or you wouldn't be back together), he will be able to realise and forgive your mistake and put it in the past.
Best of luck.
X
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): Its a hard call. Best not tell him and take this secret to your grave. I suspect an admission of this nature will not sit well with anyone, as he could see it as an excuse to get into bed with a stranger and you did not wait long to get into bed just after a "break up".
You need to understand that this admission could cost you your relationship.
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