A
female
age
51-59,
*nl
writes:hello,i've been with my husband for about 5 years; august 28th will be our first wedding anniversary. a year before we met, he and his girlfriend of two years had broken up. he told me they were still friends. that was okay at the time, since our relationship wasn't serious yet. when it became serious, i let him know i wasn't comfortable with him going out w/ her for a drink, even though he wanted me there too. long story short, he offered to, 'do the right thing' and stop contact w/ her (by his own admission in our early days, she still had feelings for him and was hopeful they'd get back togehter) but i found out several months later that she'd still call and/or email him about once a month. when i asked why she was doing that after he'd told her not to, he threw it all in my face, telling me he resented doing it in the first place. that's where we are now. they don't communicate; he did what he said he'd do, but it all got washed away when he proclaimed his resentment towards me. he maintains that i'm wrong and what i asked him to do was wrong. he also maintains that he doesn't love her but he must feel something. initially he said he'd stop contact w/ her out of respect for me, but now, he's showing me no respect. this was almost a done deal but now it's worse than ever. i need closure from him but all he wants to do is tell me he's right and i'm wrong. where do we go from here?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 June 2009):
 YOU WROTE : "the ex still loves him. that's a problem. it's altogether possible for him to turn to her for emotional support should we have other problems at some point."
You know, whether he talks to her or not that will always be something totally out of your control. The fact that he (halfheartedly and to please you) agreed to stay out of contact is nice of him, I agree he has NO right to later on turn it on you. IF it was something he didn't want to do (no matter how much YOU wanted it) he should have grabbed his balls and told you. Telling you AFTER the fact - WAY later on that it was WRONG it kinda a little to little a little to late.
However you are at a place where you are going to HAVE to talk to him about this. There shouldn't be any topics OFF limits between a couple. That only created mroe resentment and friction. If you want to work it out with him ( and yeah if you two keep at this your relationship will suffer), you need to sit him down. Tell him that you don't think it's fair to resent you for a deal he agreed too. That you two need to put it behind you but still need to be on the same page as far as how you both see contact with the "ex's".
Ex's who still want to be a part of ones partners life sucks. If they didn't have any kids there really isn't much for them to hold on to. Unless they want to. But you gotta ask why.
Talk to him.
And yes, you might have to stop demanding things from you man. Tell him what you expect, why you expect it and then it is up to him to to either agree with you or explain why he can not agree. It's about respect. Bottom line. Your respect for him and his respect for you.
If you think he will go to her in times of trouble, you two have other issues besides this. That is the lack of trust. He is with you now. She can love and adore him til the cows come home, but if he has respect and love for you, there should be anything to worry about.
Good luck
A
female
reader, snl +, writes (3 June 2009):
snl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChickens347:
i'm not fixated on our agreement. i'm fixated on HIS and not MY refusal to talk about this in a calm manner. HE is the one who doesn't hear a word i say, therefore, i DON'T TALK ABOUT IT, NOR DO I BRING IT UP. we were somewhere where she happened to be and he got so upset that he he wanted to leave and my kids were pretty upset by his anger and and so was i but the selfishness...i'm still not sure where it all came from. i'm still not sure why he exploded when he found out she was there. i was calm and ready for a say hi to her w/ him, etc., but he was just outraged at me. he argues that she doesn't understand. i'm quite tired of hearing that. at some point it's got to be about the marriage. that's the last time this came up and this was about 3 weeks ago. we hadn't spoken about her previously for about 6 months because we agreed not to. so again, i'm not fixated on our agreement, and this is not about insecurity. it's about working together to resolve issues within a marriage. for whatever reason, he's not willing to talk calmly at all, on any level, in this situation so it remains unresolved. he's forcing me to draw my own conclusions because he refuses to talk about this in a rational way and he will not take the 'side' of our marriage, but he continues to defend her.
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A
female
reader, snl +, writes (2 June 2009):
snl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnakalipsis, thank you. i guess we're all looking for validation, right! you've validated my feelings. i think situations like these are preferrential. there's no right or wrong, but when marriage is thrown into the mix, it becomes about respect, and working together to find resolution. and again, the ex still has feelings for him. what good could possibly come from keeping in touch? thanks again. i hope to hear from you again.
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A
female
reader, snl +, writes (2 June 2009):
snl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhoneypie:
i don't think you understand. i tried to include the details but it's not working. this isn't about my insecurity. this is about something HE volunteered to do, did it, then decided he resented me for doing so. the ex still loves him. that's a problem. it's altogether possible for him to turn to her for emotional support should we have other problems at some point. keeping contact w/ an ex when there's still feelings, is a bad idea. but we can make this about me and my insecurity. sure, why not. no more from me. thanks for everyone's effort.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 June 2009):
One thing I have learned over the years is this, DON'T tell a lover/SO/Hubby/BF/GF who they can talk to and whom they can't. For the simple reason that you are not their momma but their "better" half.
What I do think is right is to tell them that YOU don't want her in YOUR life. Sooner or later she would just be another ex.
The reason for it is 1: if you tell a guy ( or a girl) they can't do something it becomes a challenge. 2. They will resent being told whom they can or can't see.
In your case it was #2. What you really need to do is talk to him. Calmly and with honesty. There really is nothing wrong in admitting your have insecurities or jealousy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): snl, if you value your marriage then you should take every and all steps to ensure that it is not compromised in any way. plse do not feel bad. if you now do not want your hb to communicate with his ex lover then you are entitled to that. if he is mooping around and upset that you forced him to cut ties with her then tough cookies. sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. you just eliminated the threat from your marriage that is all.
if he is disrespecting you and making you feel like shit then you need to ask yourself why he has the need to still be in contact with this woman. sometimes we have to be selfish for our own happiness. So guess what- there is nothing wrong with you asking him to cut contact. he seems too worked up about nothing concerning her.
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A
female
reader, snl +, writes (2 June 2009):
snl is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni'm surprised by the one sideness of some of these replies. like i said, there are many details i cannot include. the bottom line is, i'm not trying to start arguments because i don't even talk about it. we should be able to work together as couples to resolve things but when one of the two is overly defensive, it leads to the other drawing conclusions that may not be accurate. it's counterproductive to be defensive to the point where the other person shuts down. this leads to no resolution. where there's no resolution, a relationship cannot thrive for too long. so to answer the question from jeri: i did not ask him, he volunteered initially. second of all, even if i did ask him, she still is hopeful that someday they'll get back together. in those cases in particular, it's better to let it go altogether, and for all parties concerned.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): I am still close friends with an ex of mine and there are absolutely no feelings there other than friendship.
I can understand that you feel hurt and betrayed and suspicious of him keeping in touch with this ex with out your knowledge but you can just cut people out of your life just purely based on the fact you used to date.
My boyfriend was a bit wary of my ex and myself being friend at first but when I sat him down an explained that my ex was a dear friend and no more, that my ex was my past and him my future he saw it more clearly.
Why would you ask your boyfriend to give up a friendship just because you are feel threaded and jealous of that friendship?!
I think he gets so defensive when you mention her name because he thinks your trying to start an argument about it or are trying to make him feel bad.
If he answered ‘yes’ in therapy then he could have meant friendship…you are seriously going to lose this guy if you keep trying to police his friends and thoughts.
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A
female
reader, snl +, writes (2 June 2009):
snl is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni guess i left out a lot. it would take enough pages to write a small novel to accurately include all the details. i don't attack him. i can't even so much as utter her name w/out him becoming enraged. we were out somewhere, and i noticed she was there. we were with our kids. our agreement, about 6 months ago, was not to talk about it or to bring her name up, so that's what we did. when i spotted her, i told him. i thought he should know since she was about 25 feet away. he got mad. he almost seemed like he was going to cry. he wanted to leave and my children were just about to start having fun. we left. he yelled at me and i still don't really understand why. i was calm the whole time, believing we'd moved passed the upset; i wasn't upset that she was there - how could i be? these things happen. it's his EXTREME defensiveness whenever her names comes up, by me or elsewhere, that leads me to assume there's something there. he even said, 'yes' in therapy, when the therapist said, 'so you felt something...?' regarding the whole thing. i don't think he's intentionally trying to hurt me yet he refuses to help me understand what's going on with him where she's concerned. i want to move past this. for myself, my children, and for him. i don't want him to struggle with it in his way either.
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A
female
reader, snl +, writes (2 June 2009):
snl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionlet me clarify: she still has feelings for him. when he initially told her he was in a serious relationship and that getting together wasn't a good idea, rather than respecting that, she continued to push. how does this make me controlling? how is there room in a relationship for someone with whom one of the partners was intimate and with someone who still has hope of a reconcilliation? regardless of how controlling i am or i'm not, for him to do something, 'out of respect' and then throw it all back later, countering that respect, wipes away the good deed and makes the whole thing worse than if he'd just not bothered to do anything. you don't do things for people and put a price tag on it.
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A
female
reader, snl +, writes (2 June 2009):
snl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe point is, if you're going to do something for somebody (especially if you volunteer - and that's what he did; i didn't tell him to do anything) you should make peace with your decision. you should never turn around and later throw it in someone's face. these issues are preferential. there's no right or wrong. if one person is ok with their partner's friendship with an ex, then fine; if another person is not comfortable with it, that's also fine. i don't think it takes a rocket scientist to realize that if the ex still has lingering feelings, it's safer to keep him or her out of the mix. anyway, thanks for your time.
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A
female
reader, snl +, writes (2 June 2009):
snl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionlet me clarify: she still has feelings for him. when he initially told her he was in a serious relationship and that getting together wasn't a good idea, rather than respecting that, she continued to push. how does this make me controlling? how is there room in a relationship for someone with whom one of the partners was intimate and with someone who still has hope of a reconcilliation? regardless of how controlling i am or i'm not, for him to do something, 'out of respect' and then throw it all back later, countering that respect, wipes away the good deed and makes the whole thing worse than if he'd just not bothered to do anything. you don't do things for people and put a price tag on it.
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