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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My ex and I met 2 years ago through a mutual friend. We ended up becoming really good friends who had similar wants and desires out of life as well as a relationship so it was pretty natural when our friendship turned into more. We would talk all the time, spend lots of time together and just have fun. One of the things he said he liked most about our relationship was that it wasn't a lot of "drama." He had a past of dealing with females and cutting things off when drama arised as he felt that there were better things out there that didn't involve that. His motto was "why deal with the drama when there's always something better" and although I understood what he was saying I also felt as if problems and disagreements are inevitable in relationships and that how u deal with these things together is what makes them work and that was where our relationship failed. I was doing the best I can with what I had to make him happy, as was he, but when a problem did come up he completely withdrew from me, not wanting to talk or spend time together and instead of giving him his space I pressed harder (my mistake). It hurt feeling like I was losing him and it hurt even more that he started talking more and hanging out with a lot of the female friends he had (chicks he either used to talk to or was physically attracted to and that liked him) especially when I wasn't getting that from him as his girlfriend. I continued to press him though not giving him any space which of course made things between us worse. We then went on a break which led to a break up which led to "friends with benefits" and now it's like we're enemies. I've made every possible mistake in the book (blaming, criticizing, sending a thousand text messages to talk, etc) and he now thinks I'm crazy. I honestly feel as though my actions have stemmed from my insecurities and fears of losing him and they ended up pushing him away. I guess you can say i lost myself in the relationship. Anyway, We haven't talked in a few days which is probably the best for both of us but the last time I tried reaching out to him he ignored me which hurt. He has also moved on to one of the girls he was friends with when we were together. How do I get over this guilt of feeling like I ruined the relationship and that if I had done things differently it would've worked out? How do I get over him and move on without thinking that he will come back? What hurts is that I'm hurting and it's like he doesn't seem to care he's still living his life happy as ever. He treats everyone better than me like he cares about them. It's almost like what we had didn't exist or count for anything and I just feel like it was all my fault and then I hate that i let my insecurities control me so much to do the things i did and now he and his friends probably consider me as his psycho crazy ex girlfriend :/ my last relationship ended similar to this as well, it seems as though when things are good they're good and the guys are very happy but the moment a problem occurs I get so afraid of losing them and hurt by their withdrawing that I act out in ways which just end up pushing them away. What do I do?
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female
reader, lacrymosa_652  +, writes (27 May 2011):
 While our situations differ, a lot of what you've said reminds me of my ex and I. I'll just skip to the break-up part... well we tried being friends but then he stopped responding to my messages. I knew I should leave him alone but it was hard to exercise self-control - I kept trying to get back in touch with him because I really missed him and wanted to fix things, even though a part of me knew things weren't going to go back to how they were. He was my first love and first boyfriend, and one of my best friends, so it was really hard to let go of him.I'm just telling you this so maybe you can relate. I also felt like I maybe came across as a psycho, because I kept trying to get back in contact with him for about 2 months. I felt really stupid afterwards for being so persistent but it's just one of those things you have to learn from, and you'll know you won't do it again.You didn't ruin the relationship - he was never bothered to work on things. Well, that's the impression I'm getting. It's hard to improve on flaws in a relationship when one person doesn't want to work on it.You can get over him and move on by realising he wasn't worth the time and effort you spent on him, as like I said before, he'd just run away from problems. Don't think that he didn't care about you, he's probably just lazy when it comes to dealing with issues. But nobody will ever have an "easy relationship" and he's going to have to learn this the hard way. You, on the other hand, know that sometimes you have to work at relationships, so you're more likely to have a fulfilling love life than him.As for what he may or may not have told his friends - who cares? There's no reason you should value their opinion, who cares if he's said you're crazy or whatever.Anyway, I hope you feel better soon, and I know I can be a bit unclear when I respond to questions sometimes, so feel free to ask again or message me if you want clarification or anything, because I can sort of relate to your situation :) Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Ilifton you're right! I don't think he understands all that it takes to keep a relationship alive. His longest relationship lasted a month before he needed space. It seems as if he wants all the fun of a relationship but isn't quite into all of the work that comes along with it as well. But I think I definitely learned a thing or two about communicating in that sometimes it is best to give space even when you do care about someone. @sexlessintheuk I am definitely the type who'd rather move forward with issues than pretend as if they don't exist but I think I need to learn when to press issues and when not to and how to say what I need to say without any blame but yea I should have allowed things to reach a natural conclusion instead of constantly trying to make it work and I understand that now. Thanks both of you for the advice, I feel much better now! :)
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (27 May 2011):
 you haven't done anything wrong. not by a long shot. he's in the wrong by being completely unreasonable as to what it takes to keep an adult relationship alive. you said it yourself by mentioning that it's inevitable to have a disagreement, and the important thing is how you handle these disagreements.he honestly sounds like how i used to be in relationships. when things got tough, i just shut off emotionally. i was lazy with my emotions and just did't care to try. it was easier to shut down and not acknowledge the problem rather than have to take the time to face them. and the more someone pushed to talk, the more i shut off. but the more i shut off, the more i hurt them and they pushed even harder. and it was a horrible cycle that eventually led to a lot of my failed relationships. what finally put a stop to my behavior and eventually made me realize what i was doing was wrong? i was dating this person who finally stopped putting up with it. when i would pull that kind of crap like what your boyfriend pulled, they wouldn't come running. and they eventually got to where they left me for that exact reason. i panicked and finally realized what i'd been doing wrong. i've never done it since. i had to be put in my place.you have nothing to feel guilty for. you just cared about him. that's obvious. he's just too immature and hasn't learned his lesson yet. try not to kick yourself too much. he'll learn eventually that he was wrong for how he treated you.
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