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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend used to really fancy a girl before he went out with me. Although now he reassures me that I’m the one who he is completely devoted to – and I believe him. But I noticed that he still kept a message from her on his mobile. And just recently he randomly told me that she had texted him asking him how he was, but in actual fact it was he who had texted her first. I’ve never asked him about it, and kept it to myself. I don’t mind the fact that he wants to keep a friend, but I feel quite hurt that he lied about it, and also worried that he still has feelings for her. Am I being paranoid and unreasonable?
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female
reader, Signe +, writes (20 August 2006):
 it was me who posted the question - just wanted to say thank you to all who answered. I'm honestly not checking his phone, i thought someone might think that, he asked me to check his inbox when he recieved a message once and i saw them there. I agree - i think he probably does still have feelings for her, but i believe that his feelings for me are stronger. I casually brought her up in conversation the other day and he said that it was simply to keep a friend. I feel much more relaxed about the whole thing now, i do trust him. I will hold onto your advice. Thank you all again so much - its good to know there are people out there to listen! x
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): I think "relationshipadvice" has gone way, way, over the top.
You arn't being paranoid or unreasonable, your boyfriend was wrong to lie. He should have told the truth and said he text her first, but at the same time I can understand why he did it - I'm not excusing him - I can just see how this mistake happened.
Unless he does any thing worryingly suspicious that indicates cheating, I wouldn't worry about this at all.
He told you she'd text him, because he probably doesn't want to keep it a secret that they had been in contact; a good sign - he could have not said any thing.
You sound a totally reasonable person to me, by accepting he can have friends, yet acknowledging you felt hurt. I bet if you explain this to him, and tell him he didn't need to lie, all will be well with the pair of you! Good luck :)
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female
reader, in turmoil +, writes (17 August 2006):
I wouldn't say your being unreasonable, he really needs to let go of this crush he has on this girl, after all he has chosen to be with yo, I believe that the longer your relationship goes on he will see what a lucky man he is. Just tell him that you do not want him wasting his time longing for someone when he just needs to open his eyes and see he has everything in front of him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): 1. Read the sentence again babe: " is completely devoted to " this make people instantly think " he loves me no one else " when in fact he is saying that " you are the person i like the most " - he cant have seriously have said that it must be your own words (not a quote) that word is not in many mens vocabulary!! Devotion means "strong affection for" or "loyalty to someone", its not the loyalty definition so it probably means he likes you ALOT, however, doesnt hesitate to get affection, sex or loving elsewhere.2. He still has feelings for her, without a doubt, people are human you cant completely lose feelings for someone and by staying in contact (esp. in secret) those feelings get raised to the surface, or fail to disappear, im not saying he is having sex or even cheating by most peoples definitions but there are issues in this relationship which are: LOYALTY, TRUST and RESPECT. The worst problem is he has two out of three and you only have one out of three which isn't your fault.3. You are going to get hurt, so please take the following steps...* Take a step back from the relationship, i dont mean split up, i mean play it cool and dont get frustrated when things dont go your way or how things should be in a perfect relationship (remember perfect dont exist)* Have some self-respect and decency for yourself, its not you who is at blame remember so dont beat yourself up or feel guilty about not trusting his loyalty (or lack of).* Talk to him about "her" and the text messages - if he seems genuine asked why he lied, its very suspicious, mind you there could be a perfectly reasonable explaination, he may only want her as a friend but thought it could ruin you if you found out and you got jealous/suspicious esp. if you are the detective/obssessive type.* From the previous step you need to work out where you want to go, can you repair the relationship if you think he is genuine?? Or cant you trust him?? TRUST is very important . * Remember second chances have to be earnt and just because you love him, DONT let him give you a second chance its not your fault, its you who needs to give the second chance if you want to continue with the relationship. Make CONDITIONS that he has to be more OPEN and LOYAL with you, dont go over the top and break his privacy rights by wanting to know everything he does such as going to the toilet, where he is going everytime he goes out inc. constantly ringing him and checking up and everytime he feels he needs to have a wank. * Worse case secenario... if the relationship gets to the point where you have to break up or have "time out", then let it, the same as if he has feelings for a girl he is no longer with, its because you dont realise your true feelings for someone until you are apart and then you will both COMPROMISE to make things work and get back together.4. You aren't being paranoid, you have just realised a weakness in the relationship which is brilliant because the first stage to solving any problem big or small is discovering it and then admitting it! Now you know what factors you can focus on ...and remember its not you having to put ALL the effort in, its should be 50/50 between the both of u.Hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): No i dont think you are being paranoid or unreasonable at all! He has lied to you so its understandable. Maybe you need to talk to him again and gently explain to him that you feel totally reassured that he wants to be with you and you are totally ok with him staying friends with her but that you dont like the lies and secrets as it only makes it look as though he is doing something he should be feeling guilty about. The guy I like at the moment keeps in touch with a couple of exs and even though we arent a couple yet :-) he has lied and kept secrets from me which hurts. I took my own advice and now he tells me everything. Thing you need to ask yourself is do you trust him because i think that this is what it boils down to - i mean, you say you noticed he still has a message from her on his mobile and that he texted her first, are you checking his phone perhaps?!?!
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