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female
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anonymous
writes:If a guy keeps telling me, and other colleagues that I am 'chasing him' when I have to see him to discuss work issues, what could be going on?A bit of background is that he has been dumped and has some insecurity issues, still cares for her etc. and I DO really like him. We have something that seems to show to everyone who works with us yet we are not and have not seen each other in a personal way at all. Because I like him so much I actually avoid him sometimes and I see him less than all the other women he works with who is does not accuse of chasing him. This is really stressing me out as I feel that every time I have to see him about something, he implies I have concocted it, yet when I ask him if I have ever asked him anything irrelevent, he says I haven't and calms down. Sometimes he likes me around and other times he ignores me. Sometimes he opens his heart and sometimes he is stand offish and distant. Any mind readers out there? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIrish, you answers are very sensible, and I yet I am already loved and suffocated and posssessed by a man I am leaving. We have slept apart for 10 months and have our home up for sale. As for the guy at work, yes he IS very complicated and confused and moody. I have worked 'for' him for 2 years and since the tension had built up, and my being in a very responsible job, I blew it the other week. I had been trying to contact him and he kept avoiding me. There is a lot I cannot say here but he has a health problem which I think is affecting his responses on top of the stress he is going through. He is very sensitive and caring, that is why I am cofused by this one rsponse that doesn't make sense. Anyway, since I threw my work in front of him and told him to do it himself, then walked out and said I was never coming back (totally immature response on my part but my gasket just blew), he 'seems' to have realised how much he was hurting me and has been as responsive and gentle as a lamb again, and even asked my in front of our boss if he could borrow a book from me. he also stayed late with me one night whilst we caught up with some work, and the prior tension seems to have lifted. I had emailed him giving him my end of things on how I had been supporting him and he had turned around to attack me and that I have never once come on to him.
I think part of the problem may be that I intuitively may have picked up something he is in denial of (post stroke problem), and he MAY be afraid of me verbalising it as it would account for some of his strange behaviour. Irish, I am even confused my own intensity of wanting to care for this man, even to the point of giving him a hug as he misses his ex wife as I have expereince of the pain he is going through. I have all this understanding and love burning out of me, I KNOW he does care for me, but I just need a crystal ball to know how much ... and why he once came to me for a comforting chat ... and now he doesn't?
Life is getting more passionate and complicated as I get older!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2006): Oh my, you have really allowed your emotional boundries down, bigtime, hun. As I read your 2nd posting I am sensing you are an unhappy person who simply wants to be loved and cherished. We all want that, dear but.....you know a man at work, whom, for the most part, "blows you off , plays mindgames and talks behind your back to other collegues". (What does that tell you about him?) And amazingly, now, you have now made a decision, based on some interactions and personal chats, that you are "in love" or 'in like" with this guy. Aside from all this, you are a unhappily, married woman. It sounds like this man at work, knows you do like him. He also knows you are married. Could it be he has very little respect for you. Thus, to him, you are someone he can 'play head games' with, which is cruel and unecessary on his part. I am sorry to say this, but he enjoys your attentiveness but I feel he is making a fool of you-he likely finds this 'crush' of yours, amusing and he's using your emotions to humor him and his work buddies. In other words, he's very selfish and he's fullfilling his own needs. A truly nice man is open, honest, considerate and thoughtful, not self-centered and hurtful. I recommend you go to work, do your job and acquire a polite professional distance from this man, and keep it that way or...find a new job. Before you begin thinking about how another person will fit into your life, you should make a decision to either walk away from your marriage or work at it. If your marriage is irretrievable, leave and work at becoming a solid, healthy, independent woman. Once you get to the point of being happy with who you are...you may understand this man at work is not for you. His lack of respect and treatment should tell you, he is man who uses others to massage his ego and keep his masculine pride in place. Once divorced, please promise yourself better. You deserve more; any woman does.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIrish, I would really welcome your rational thinking on this one. This guy is one confused person, but I just am too close to him and for someone my age(50+)I have never known such intense feelings of wanting to be with someone. I am trying to resist, in fact I have no choice as I have no idea where this guy's feelings. In the past I became close to him thorough listening to him and fell for him in the process, I love the guy behind the problems that one day may fall away. I have since asked him to stop making out I am chasing him, and it does seem to be better in that way, but now he still accuses me in private. I go to him no more than my two other 'bosses', but he seems to have it in his head that I keep seeking him out. In the past he has sought me out, but now it is s period of change and he seems to be backing off, but I wondered if you had nay insight into why a guy, who belives is is unattractive anyway, would suddenly turn tables and keep telling me I am after him. This is a guy who previously told me some very personal stuff, who trusted me (no reason not to now either), but he avoids me as if my presence is suggesting to others we are a couple which I know we are not. I am married, albeit unahappily, selling my house, but not looking for any complications, just the trusting colleague and boss I thought I once had.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2006): This guy sounds a bit too complicated for anyone, hun. Let go of the stress and back away for now. Either he feels he needs to position himself to keep you interested or..he's simply not interested. You need to discern which is which because you are living in this circumstance. If he's positioning himself and playing games..leave him alone. If he's into hurtful mindgames then that should tell you he's immature and definitely not ready for committment. Is that really what you want? He still needs to progress, develop and attain that mature frame of mind that will allow him to understand how to conduct himself in an adult relationship. He's purposely concocting silly, childish stories to co-workers about you. Why? Because he's looking for an ego massage. Plus his hot and cold behaviours are misleading you...a classic sign of immaturity. You now have a clear indicator, into his character and how he handles people and relationships. He's one confused guy..so give him some space and expect nothing from him, for now. Allow him some space so he can go and think about his life and he can allow himself the much needed time to mature All this should be a major factor in choosing. I would think you would want someone who is honest and upfront..someone you know will be a dependable, loving bf who honors you and treats you with respect. You want someone who is warm, nice and responds to only you. Now go find that guy..this one isn't him. Good luck my dear and keep us posted. Take Care.
Hugs and Smiles,
Irish :)
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