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female
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anonymous
writes: I have a HUGE problem which is eating me up from inside. I have been with my bf for 10 months, he is 25 and im 20, i love him alot and i know he loves me, however i cant get over his PAST, i dont know whats wrong with me.We are both asian-indian, but i cant take the fact his ex was chinese. He was with her for 2 and a half years , the longest relationship he has had, and he was staying in her house throughout that time and practically living with her. She also had two abortions.However she went to china to get married without him knowing and her husband turned up on her doorstep, and she broke up with my him(my bf). The thing is i know deep down my bf was very upset because he was single for over 6 months after until he met me. He tells me all the time that he did not love her at all, and there was absolutley no romance involved and she wanted to leave her husband for him but he rejected her.I find it extremely hard to believe that he didnt love her. He has made me feel bad now by tellin me i had slept with many guys.Everytime i see a chinese girl it really bothers me, i went to see a film with him and a chinese girl was in it and there were sex scenes, but it really bothered me and i couldnt bare to look.He tells me he has never loved any other women and im his first true love, but i feel as though he is stil hurt about his past, because he has trust issues with me, he doesnt trust me and is always questioning me and is very possesive and jealous.... i dont know what 2 do. plz help!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2006): Thank you for the advice, I sat down and spoke to him about how I felt, and he reassured me that it his past and he regrets it but he in madly in love with me and wants a future with me, and I shouldnt think about silly things like his ex. I feel so much better.
A
female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (15 August 2006):
 I would also add to Camille's excellent comments that, as he waited 6 months before going out with anyone else he was making sure that any following relationship was not going to be out of revenge for what she did to him. It could be that once he thought he loved her, but after what she did to him, he realised it was not love after all.
He would not use a woman (you) to 'get back' at his ex, nor would he use one just to comfort himself when he was feeling low.
He needed to come to terms with the shock, and learn some lessons from that relationship, so that he could put his faith in someone worthy of his love - YOU!
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A
female
reader, camille  +, writes (15 August 2006):
 It's easy to dismiss ever loving anyone to make someone feel secure but as they were together for over 2 years, yes I'd say he probably did love her, but so what? He's 25, he has been in relationships but now he's with you and it's you he loves. You HAVE to get a grip on reality as this aversion to Chinese girls is actually a very extreme reaction and is going to cause nothing but damage to you. You can't hold an entire race of women responsible for one person that you have issue with. I'm sorry to be harsh, but what exactly is it that bothers you most? That you think he's lying? That he loved someone before you? That she had abortions with him? That they were together longer than your relationship so far? It's a lot of stuff to get your head around but it's his past, not yours. Let it go, it sounds like he has. The 6 months he had after they broke up was probably when he got over that relationship, I'm sure he doesn't want to re-live any part of that with you. You're in dangerous territory if you do not start rationalizing this situation. You say he has issues, well I'm sorry to break it to you, so do you. Talk it through one last time if you need to, but you need to put this to rest and get on with your relationship together or I doubt you'll last.
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