A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi a few months ago my husband and I had a lot of problems. Anyway he decided to move out for a while to clear his head. But before he moved out a friend of mine suggested I look into his phone as it sounded like he might be having an affair. So I did. To my shock I found text messages from one of his female work friends. It was just of symbols like smileys and love hearts. He also sent her the same stuff back. I pulled him up about it and he said she was just showing him how to use the phone. His phone was new at the time and she had the same type of phone too. So I took his word for it. Anyway we just got back together and things are great. But out of curiosity I checked his phone yesterday and found her name on it. Which I expected as he has to have it on his work phone. But instead of having her number under Ada (Her name) he had it under Koscham Ada! I looked up the word koscham and it means loved in Polish. I pulled him up about it 7 he said it means darling. He said he put that infront of her name because that's what all the guys call her at work "darling". He said he didn't put it under Ada because it starts with an A and his phone would accidently ring her phone. I don't know wheather to believe him or not. He swears his not having an affair.
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affair, at work, got back together, moved out, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): I think women worry too much about the small stuff, a little flirting here and there. Have you been paying any attention to him or involved in your own world? I would try doing something fun together to connect him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2008): Hi there,
I have thought alot about this and know a little of the history, which I have taken into consideration, the poster will understand this.
You had a majorally rough time, partly to do with how you were int the relationship earlier. I suspect that when all of this was occurring, perhaps your husband started to look at not so much other options, but some attention. Perhaps if this occurred, there was encouragement on his part. If so, you will understand why he was looking/needing to have someone make him feel important.
I personally do not think anything other than flirtations have occurred. He is however now wondering how on earth he may explain this, without loosing the momentum of your reconcilliation. He could well be a bit embarrassed that you have found this info. Equally he also could be sceptical of how successful your reconcilliation will be. Perhaps in a silly way he is holding options open.
Now, in saying all of the above, you have to tell him that this has rocked your world in worry. I don't think this is about you questioning or interigating him, but an honest heart to heart, the new you, telling him that you need his reassurance and whilst you have played a part previously in the disruption of your marriage, you not only will show him that you are committed, but also will now be fully open about how your emotions are running, and this issue is driving you nuts. Tell him your scared that his interest is a backup plan!
Many offices have the common flirt or seductress. Maybe she is this type and from the comments of other workmates, giving consideration to it being truthful, implies this a bit. Darling as a nickname, to me, means one of two things, an effectionate term for someone everyone is really fond of, and or, someone who is a flirt. The context of how it is used is obviously the important element.
You flustered at this info and scared that he had another agenda happening whilst you were working hard on changing things. This is natural for you to worry about, but don't assume he is off in some sorded affair, but the new you will handle this well and with class and consideration for how things were previously for him. Yes, you should ask questions if you want to, but you also need to totally express with honesty what you are thinking and feeling.
I think the two of you need a romantic night out, renew those flirtations and attractions with each other. Get glammed up and do something young, fun and enjoyable, just the two of you. Your history, recovery and baggage will effect both of you. But after you have been satisfied that this is nothing you need to be threatened by, then it is about rebuilding again. If your anything like me, you will want that reassurance that you are not in threat from another women, especially now.
Okay, worse possible case senario, he did get interested in this women. Worse case senario he did do something with her. Remember your break and the dramas there, take this into consideration and then it is really just about him telling you the truth. Ask him to please, at this point in your recovery to tell you the truth. Then work out what it all means to you and where you go from here.
I personally think he got interested, but for the reasons you already know. He was looking for someone to tell him he was okay. Perhaps she did. Equally it would be no reason or excuse for him to act on it. If he has had a difficult time coming back fully into your marriage, it could be that she caught his attention. It may have rocked him emotionally thinking he could be interested or attractive to another. So when you where a bitch! He felt justified in his feelings. This could also account for his difficulty sexually. Perhaps he is distracted. Ask him, and tuck away the information just in case. Does he need her number for work, is the relationship based on work issues?
When relationships deteriorate, committment, honesty and trust usually are frail. You have frail relationship now and he needs to understand that too. Once you both have total committment to the new marriage, he won't need her number in his phone.
There is only one thing he said which niggles me, but it could be mind games as well. The comment was something about it would be your fault if he did, because of the way you treated him....?? Did he say something like this?
Not sure if any of this helps but it is all about sharing and thrashing things about, this situation is one of those. Again I always would say, it is not evidence of an affair, but certainly evidence of a friendship with someone you know was interested in him, and that is a worry.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (8 April 2008):
 Hi,
sounds very fishy. could be just flirtatious, but even if it is, why is he being like this?
I would put it 50/50 he is having an affair.
No married man should send female colleagues flirty texts, it's just not on. How would he react if he found flirty texts on your phone?
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A
female
reader, Dawnie +, writes (7 April 2008):
 Hmm he does seem to have a lot of answers doesn't he? i think there is something very strange going on, this woman sending him these texts is bad enough but him responding in the same manner? that would start alarm bells ringing in my head, and the name is pretty odd too, i could accept that putting her name means she would be first on the call list and he could indeed call it by accident but to put "darling" in polish or any other language is very odd and does suggest intimacy there. Why could he not have put her surname first or "Work Ada"? that would have solved that issue. I think you need to monitor things very carefully and keep an eye on his phone, and yes checking his phone is ok as there should never be secrets between husband and wife. After all if it were not for his phone you would not have these suspicions and many spouses have been found to be cheating this way. If he is cheating you need to know for your own sake. I would say there is still a slight chance he is innocent but based on what you have given us i would find it unlikely.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): Hi - here is a link - there are several websites selling them. Apart from online I think you could try the Gadget Shop which have outlets but it depends where you are.
http://www.spyequipmentuk.co.uk/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=79
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A
female
reader, destiny2008 +, writes (7 April 2008):
 The best thing you could do is confront the women and she will give you the answers you need dont feel worried that if there is nothing going on that she will think your weired just be honest and say you wandered why he had her name on his phone and why she was sending him love hearts if she tells you nothing is happening tell your husband then to remove her number from his phone why does he need it and see what answer he gives you but confront her first don't be afraid to do it good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): No he hardly ever goes out & is always home on time. I haven't noticed any other signs at the moment. But I will keep my eye out. Where can I buy these devices you're talking about, apart from the internet? Oh and thanks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): Well he's got all the right answers hasnt' he (or not). I think it all sounds a bit flirty at best and I think you are right to keep a very close eye on things. Are there any other signs? He is home late? Does he nip out the house suddenly and act differently? Maybe keep a close eye on things. What you have seen is not necessarily cheating but it certainly isn't 'normal' office colleague behaviour - in other words its inappropriate. You should perhaps make life a bit awkward for him on a couple of occasions. If he makes a sudden plan to go out somewhere say that you've booked a meal out the two of you and it can't cancelled - that kind of thing. Keep checking his phone - sorry I know people get criticised for this but it is essential in your case. Just don't tell him you are doing it. Please also research some little devices you can get for downloading deleted text messages from phones - you can buy them on the internet. If something is going on you need to play it cool otherwise it will get crafty at covering it up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): Other than that, he's always home on time. And everything else is great. He was gutted yesterday when I accused him of having an affair. He said if he was having an affair he wouldn't of got back with me. He set up a new home & gave it up to return to me. He admitted it was stupid to put darling infront of her name, but that's all it is, a stupid decision. Nothing more!
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