A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, i have been seeing my boyfriend for about 6 months but i have always been quite shy about initiating sex and initiating kisses etc. i don't know why it makes me nervous, but it does. Recently my bf says he doesnt like having to initiate everything anymore, it makes him feel uncomfortable and makes him feel like a rapist or something as though he is forcing me and although ive assured him i do love having sex with him etc and love him kissing me, he still doesnt like the way it makes him feel and is not sure that me and him are right for each other if this is how i am. i am 21 and have had relationships before but no-one has ever mentioned it although i think i was probably like this with my ex's too... i dont want to lose him but i feel so stupid everytime he brings it up because it makes me feel like he is scrutinising for improvement and im scared of never being able to hold down a relationship becuase of this silly problem. has anyone heard of this problem before, what should i do?
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kissing, my ex, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008): Agreeing with Eddie, you are the "doer-viewer" couple. One acts, the other is merely a spectator, leaving their partner to feel undesirable or question their appeal! If he hadn't expressed his preference directly (please note that hints are not always recepted correspondingly), you would not have known what you are expected to change in this regard, whereas growing frustration is liable to contribute to a premature break up. Don't feel uneasy when he breaches the subject! You should instead be delighted that he is open to communicating his wishes / dislikes, giving you the possibility to act upon these suggestions, provided that they exist (even passively) in your system of preferences too, and you don't feel as though you will have to 'comply' to his instructions, whichever they are.Follow his example, contructively expressing your wishes as well, for a more in-depth understanding of each other, beginning with small steps, as Emily advised. If it is however not in your nature to take intiatives, this and future relationships will be problematic as the partner may constantly feel inadequate / undesirable to an imminent threshold, unless he is as well the passive type which might reverse the situation by putting you instead in a position of discontent. Don't despair though, lastly, your passivity is most likely supported on passing timidity and a knowledge of your partner's feelings that can bear improvement, which is why I added this last part. I am sure you will overcome your problem! All the best.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (19 April 2008):
 I'd like to add one more thing. Another poster said "you are who you are and he should love and respect that" That is kind of like lollipops and rainbow talk. Yes, we are who we are....so what. Sometimes we need to adjust who we are and how we treat our partners because we're.............wrong. Relationships are all about compromise. Try to remember that. That involves both of you.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (19 April 2008):
It's really off base to say your boyfriend is looking for a "slut element". What he has told yo is simple. He needs to know that your are actually craving sex with him as opposed to only tolerating it.
He'd like to know that once in a while you are actually planning the sex for the night or the weekend instead of him. Don't forget it also makes him feel desirable to have woman who thinks about him. How would you feel if he never made advances toward you? That is how he feels now.
I've been through this with a person who, although they enjoyed sex, they were indifferent to it. After a while I began to resent them for it. It built up for a long time and finally became and issue. I had suggested everything to that person over a long period of time. You see, the person who is not as sexually motivated has a difficult time getting the wheels turning. It shouldn't be that hard. You might find that it's fun to do some planning.
Although you may be a little shy, you'll be happy with the results if you put some effort into it. After all, sex is fun. As long as you both agree on what you like, where is the down side.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (19 April 2008):
I disagree with Fin, I think it's sweet that he's so worried about pressuring you.
If he was just nagging for more then it would be a different story, but he's not.
Don't get worried about your Ex's. They will think in a totally different way to your current bf.
He's talked to you about this because it's bothering him. He's handling it the right way.
You don't have to appear at him in a French maids outfit but next time you see him just doing something, consider how cute he looks and then kiss him.
You can run off giggling shyly afterwards, and it doesn't have to lead on to anything more. Just take a step at a time.
Kiss him on the cheek when you pass him, give him a long hug and a kiss in a quiet moment. It doesn't have to be big things. Just look at him, see how fanciable he is and act on it.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008): Yes Miss, I do know of this 'problem'.
Actually, it is he who has the problem - he is acting so immature. He knows you enjoy sex with him - to be honest, you are a bit of a rarity these days. An old-fashioned guy like me LOVES the passive, receptive type of female! A real man would reassure his girl that everything is fine - leave things to me etc. He seems to be looking for the experienced, been-around-the-block-a-few-times type of girl. This has nothing to do with personal feelings of love and emotion - he's just looking for the slut element which you clearly are not willing to provide. And good luck to you! Don't change just for him - you are you and he should love and respect that. If he can't -time to move on I'm afraid. Good luck.
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