A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating about 4 months. Because of distance and schedules, we don't spend all that much time together. But today, we had the rare treat of spending the whole day together. However, I kept getting this weird vibe from him the entire day. I asked if anything was up, and he told me no. But I just couldn't shake the feeling, so after he had left, I texted him once more, asking if he was sure there was nothing wrong. Then he suddenly says that it's not me, it's him, and he just "needs to think about things and figure out what (he) wants."So now I'm sitting here not knowing what to think! I feel terribly anxious, with that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach (I'm sure everyone knows what I mean). I hate being left hanging. It's a worse feeling then if he had just told me he wanted to break up.So where do I go from here? I don't want to call him, since he said he needs time, but I don't see how I can just sit around waiting for him to give me some sort of answer.And, is this the kind of guy who second guesses things constantly? Cause I definitely can't go through this every few months. And now I'm starting to wonder if I even care what his decision is. I just feel so emotionally shaken, even though this is a relatively young relationship.I'm sorry if this "question" seems all over the place. I don't really know what I'm trying to ask, as this JUST happened, and my head is a bit jumbled. But if anyone has any kind of advice, words of wisdom, or a similar experience they can share I'm sure it would help!!Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to both of you.
I swore to myself that I'd just give him that space and leave him alone. But after a couple sleepless nights, and no word from him, I broke down and started texting him. It was a rather long conversation but it basically consisted of me confronting him with 'so are we done?' He dicked me around a bit, saying that he still wasnt really sure. I told him that if he really cared about me and wanted a future with me, it wouldn't be something he'd have to think about. He'd know. He said I might be right, but still wouldn't give me a straight answer. I gave him a little speech about how the longer it takes to break up, the more painful its going to be. I didn't want to break up, but if it's going to happen I'd rather it be a quick, clean cut. I hated just sitting around not knowing one way or the other. I told him that I think he already knows the answer, he's just trying to spare my feelings.
Then he told me that he guessed I was right, and that me and him weren't going to work anymore.
I'm not heart broken, but I'm still rather depressed about the whole thing.
Thanks again for your advice...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008): I wouldn't go so for as to tell him that you love him and are "willing" to let him go cause you want to see him happy. There really is no "will" in the matter, you can't tie him to your bedpost. You simply have no other choice...
And the truth of the matter is that you don't even know yet why he left you...imagine you saying all that to him and find out a week later that he is with another girl? You are going to wish you hadn't said all that...
Furthermore, actions speak louder than words. Your silence in the matter and the fact that you have quietly backed off and respected his wishes is more than enough to show him that you are a mature, logical girl...That's all you need and your dignity is intact...you can cry at home, grieve, wonder, just never let him know...
You don't have to pretend that you are not hurt or angry...Do you agree with his desicion? NO. So you don't have to pretend that you are ok with it...You have to think about your own best interests in the matter and you felt it was in your best interest to be with him...so you don't have to pretend that you are not hurt...or that you wish him well without you...you don't have to say anything...furthermore, its not up to you to offer him an explanation of how you feel right now, whether its to wish him well or not...YOU are the one who deserves answers...Your silence is perfect...
And I think you are doing a great job and just keep being strong...
What I suggest you do is download some Taio Cruz "moving on" and "I can be" and Sinead O'connor "nothing compares to you." Call up the girls, have some wine, vent as much as you need to, be alone if you have to...And time will tell...
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (9 June 2008):
 By the time this question was posted, you have had a chance to calm down a little and distract yourself from these thoughts. If you love someone, or something, let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be. Maybe his need for space to think things through is in your best intrest, not only his. If he does want to break up, let him know that you love him and you are willing to let him go because you want him to be happy, no matter what. Lets face it, if he sets his mind on it, he will do it, but it's always good to leave him with the most pleasant thoughts and words. Something he will think about, and adore about you after the fact. Time heals everything, and this feeling you have is temperary (as hard as it is to imagine right now)
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