A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help I am at my witts end! My partner has gone off sex. Well he has kind of, as he still enjoys watching porn, he just has gone off sex with me. I am 26 and my partner 27.We have been together for nearly 8 years and are happy in every other way. I love him very much and him me too. We get on so well and love spending time together. We both lead quite hectic lifestyles as I am a student and we have a daughter.The problem initially started after we had been together just 2 years. I noticed we had been going weeks and he kept turning me away. I then found out he had been watching porn. I was devastated and heart broken. I had recently gained a little weight and took it really personally. I explained that the issue was not the porn but that it had made me feel unwanted and unloved. However, we moved on from this and I actually started watching it with him as I appreciated that this really turned him on. But still the sex was only once a fortnight even with this.The past few years however, have not improved much. He has always been quite shy when it comes to sex he has never done oral sex on me as he 'just doesnt like it' I always with him. However over the past year he does not even touch me down there kiss me on the lips and tongues are a no go. Sex has become so repetitive : no foreplay, I give oral sex, then I climb on top, Im done then him. If I dont orgasm but he does he does not carry on he stops. He does not attempt to please me in any way. I have been in tears more times over this I have talked to him and explained how I feel but feel I am banging my head against a brick wall as he gets defensive and embaressed. I cant go on like this as I have such a high sex life. I have always tried to be liberal with sex and love turning him on. I still fancy him and dont want to be with anyone else.I have offfered candle lit dinners, the offer of late night dirty movies, covering him in food.I even asked if we could pop to ann summers tom for him to choose some sexy underwear for a special night tom night he replied " Do you think we can afford that?" We are supposed to be getting married next year but cnt spend my life like this I feel so deflated my self esteem is running low too. Please help anyone!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): I understand you completely. My husband and I have been married for 6 years already. Things were so nice at the beginning but after 2 years of marriage things began to change. He also watches porn, it really doesn't bother me much. But now sex has become a routine. He has never performed oral for me and I had told him how I wasn't into that when I first met him (me performing oral) but I have made sacrifices yet he won't. You're not alone, when I say sex has become a routine, it's just ok, let's do it. There is no foreplay at all. I think that after the first couple of years things change and sometimes dramatically. In my marriage, I don't hear the words "I love you" as often as I would like to. My husband doesn't take me out to dinner or out to a club. I think that in my situation, the most hurtful is that my husband doesn't even kiss me on the lips, EVER!!! To me, that a kiss is important. I kiss him but when I do, I don't get any response. He doesn't kiss me back. I think that you should talk to you significant other about this more deeply and calmly. Just let him know how you feel and let him know that you're being serious about the situation. Hopefully he'll respond to your needs.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (20 July 2008):
 Frankly, he sounds like a very selfish lover although it depends on your relationship how true this is.
For instance. How desperate are you? You describe him as a good boyfriend but for many woman that means a guy who only beats them once a week and doesn't leave any permanent scars.
If he is selfish in bed but not in real life, then perhaps he is just very inexperienced/shy and just doesn't know any better.
He refuses to perform oral sex on you because he just doesn't like it. Fair enough, do you smell or taste bad, then you can wash before but he does expect you to perform oral on him. So you apparently do like doing that. No matter how you look at it, that is a rather one-sided attitude. You give, he receives.
Then you have sex while he is on top. All the time? Couples got their preferences but it sounds a bit samey to me. Are there reasons for just the one position? It also seems that since you just given him oral it is you doing all the work. Again, rather one-sided.
If he comes before you 'he stops'. What do you mean? You are the one on top, you are the one who stops. If you means the penis deflates after an orgasm, yeah that is what happens, it ain't 'stopping' it is just nature.
But again, it is one-sided. How does this then work with your description of a loving boyfriend? Either he is a completly different guy in the bedroom then outside OR he is not nearly as nice as you describe him.
Take a long hard look at your relationship. What are you to him? Lover and partner or a cleaner/cook or a self-cleaning sextoy?
You spend more time describing your own body then describing him, do you feel perhaps insecure and feel that this is what you have to settle for? Most women go up in their sex-drive as they grow older while men go down so this issue is only going to become worse. While it might be hard to give up 8 years if there is no reason for his total passiveness in the bedroom you might have no choice unless you are willing to resort to toys or lovers.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2008): Attention, it sounds like we have yet ANOTHER porn addict!
Don't mean to be flippant, I know it hurts! It's not you, it's him. Go to the upper right corner of this dearcupid page and do a search on "porn addiction" to see if any of the advice given to other questioners resonates with you.
There's a support group with advice for "porn widows"... couldn't find the link, can someone else help find it for the OP?
Good luck dear, your fiance needs to wake up and realize that he's draining time and energy that need to go into your relationship, not into wanking to a screen. Without full participation by both people, he'll find one day that you simply don't care anymore and then it will be over.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (19 July 2008):
 I think you do have a reason to be unsatisfied with your sex life, frankly. And he's trying to tell you it's your problem, not his.
The comment that you are never satisfied with anything. A brilliant evasion. He deflects your real concern and gives you a 'never' and 'anything' in the same sentence. Very strong words.
What if you said, that he has 'never' satisfied you and he has never done 'anything' for you in bed? Killer words, aren't they, and he's using them against you.
He has completely deflected you off the simple truth that you are very unhappy with your sex life. Tackle him on this again, if you can.
Tell him if he says the 'you're never satisfied with anything' line; 'well, we can discuss that if it as issue with you later; right now, at this moment, now, I would like to address only the topic of our sex life. Anything else can wait until later.'
Now if he starts to tell you that all the taking care of you lets him off the hook in the bedroom, well, then, now you've got something to discuss.
Maybe he feels truly that you are taking advantage of him in all other ways, and therefore he exacts some sort of balancing act in the bedroom.
But you know what? He should have let you know that he felt taken advantage of.
Again, I go back to his very cunning deflection of the argument.
Don't let him get away with it. Google 'fighting fair' or look back at some of my posts, I'm sure there are a few lines in there that could help you, and I think I did provide a good website for someone. I don't have time at the moment to look it up.
But do not in anyway think that this is your fault. Unless of course you are being very naggy and are a very difficult partner? (Take that with a grain of salt, please don't be insulted.) But still, he should want to sh*g the pants off a lovely young woman with the attributes you describe and theoretically the woman he loves.
He has some issue with the size of his penis. Fine. You've told him you love it, and you show him you love it everytime you give him oral sex, don't you?
Me, I would go on strike right now, until he is willing to discuss the pertinent issue and not try to deflect the topic. But then, I don't want to screw up your relationship, having you do something that I recommend.... tough situation, all around.
Nah, go on strike. Talk, or walk, to him.
I'm looking forward to seeing what the other aunts say about this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know, I know! I ask myself these same questions every day. I dont mean to speak so bad of him because he really is an amazing boyfiend. But... The sex!!!!!(Is so bad). I tried to talk to him tonight but he changes the subject and passes my comments off as "me being never satisfied with anything". I worry I am not... and he is right. I can see his point- He loves me, is so kind, thoughtful, even spoils me at times .But in bed nothing.
To answer the weight issue- no i dont think i am overweight i am a UK 8-10 US 4-6 boobs ok not small 34C so dont think he should have issues with that. To explain I gained a little weight a few years ago after the porn issues. To be really sad, the girls he was looking at were big breasted. I knew that after my daughter I was big breasted too so happily gained the weight (stopped working out and drank wine nightly-sad I know!). He still did not fancy sex anymore!! I then felt huge because big boobs comes with big legs, bum etc. Not me at all. I must also add that i battled with an eating disorder in my teens. This never really goes away and the low self esteem from weight gain creeps up easily! I lost the weight asap and concentrated on me feeling good about myself as I know this makes me more confident and happy.
I know he loves me. But sex is such a difficult subject with him and I dont know what to do. As I am starting to take things out on myself. I look in the mirror and see fat and feel I need to loose weight.
He also has quite a low self esteem as he was overweight and bullied as a child so any critism he takes really personally. he is also not large in the male region which he comments on alot (I dont- I have always told him I have no problems and am happy).
I really want to sort things out before we get married as we used to be so happy with our sex lives. If not: no indeed this is not the man i can marry.
Does anyone else have the same problem?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 July 2008):
How long has this lop-sided sex life been going on? No foreplay, you give him oral, you then climb on top, and if he finishes first, it's all over, he takes no care or interest in your own pleasure? And no kissing, no reciprocation, he doesn't even touch your genitals? And he won't discuss it at all, and you ascribe it to him being shy about sex? He gets defensive and embarrassed?
Sorry, I would ascribe it to a couple of different possibilities. Laziness, selfishness, possibly his sexuality isn't exactly hetero. I'm actually leaning to him not being 100% heterosexual, combined with the selfishness, and the willingness to let you do ALL the work. And he never touches you. Sorry, but a truly heterosexual man would at least want to touch you, and kiss you and a really good lover, and a good man, would want you to have pleasure too. Especially if he knows that you are unhappy with the current arrangement.
Are you really overweight, or do you just have a few extra pounds? There is a difference between being 15-20 lbs over the ideal weight and being 75-100 lbs. overweight. But you know, if you were really overweight, he would not want you on top, so I don't think that's it.
I'm sorry, but if I were you, I would not put up with this situation any longer. Either he agrees that there IS an inequity and a problem in your sex life and agrees to get some therapy with you, or he disagrees, and you are doomed to the same old same old every 2-3 weeks for the rest of your life, dwindling out over time.
Is HE overweight? Does he have health issues that need to be sorted out? Perhaps he's avoiding sex because he cannot 'perform' to his own mental standard.
I go back to the no foreplay, no kissing, no touching of your genitals, um, that's not the sign of a man who is interested in you sexually. I'm sorry.
I know there is a child involved and you do love each other, but there is something very wrong here, and I cannot give you the answer. Only he can, and that may need therapy, or that you need to consider that while he is a great guy and a good father and friend, he is not a true lover or romantic partner, husband material, if you will.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, saucy sam +, writes (18 July 2008):
 hi hunyou sound like you and your partner are very happy together and you sound like you have a great relationship if you are planning to get married congratulations. however your sex life seems like its all one sided and thats not the way it should be. you have to talk with your hubby to be and tell him how you feel and how much its upsetting you. ask him why he doesnt like touching or kissing you.the fact that you are pleasuring him and he's not giving anything in return could mean that he's just a typical man greedy, dont get me wrong not all men are like that. please try talking to him and make him listen if he doesnt then is this the type of man you really want to be with?let me know how you get on hope ive helped xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): Talk too him! force him to listen too you, say you can't see the relationhip working if he dosen't stop being so selfish in bed. Maybe he's not happy in the relationship anymore so dosen't bother trying to please you?
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