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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been with my boyfriend for about 9 months now, and things have been great. We are so compatible and have connected so well. But I just get this feeling that he still has something for his ex. They were together for about 2years, and broke up about 2 years ago. She was his first serious and long term relationship, so I know he still cares for her. They still talk pretty regularly and saw each other regularly as well, up until I spoke up. I didn't feel comfortable with them having dinners together. It might have been innocent, but its still an intimate setting that I wouldn't be comfortable doing with my ex. He explained that he wouldn't go out on dinners with her to catch up until I felt I trusted him more and was comfortable with it. I find an email from him to her 5 days later asking when she was available for dinner that week! I approached him about this, and he apologized and admitted that he was wrong in doing that. He explained that it was because he was being selfish and only looking at things in his perspective...saying that he knows there is nothing going on between them and trusts that the dinner would be very innocent. He promised that he would only catch up with her through phone calls and email only after that. Since then, I found more emails to her which are innocent, but he has failed to stop calling her his soppy names for her like "sweet thang". I noticed that he will contact her more so when we are arguing. My boyfriend recently moved across the country and asked me to go with him....for more than just the reason of wanting to be with him (school, better opportunities) I have accepted. I am on my way to him in 3 weeks, but am now getting cold feet due to the ex situation. Should I worry?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2006): I've been in a similar situation in the past and it doesn't matter how cool you try to feel the whole situation is SH*TE!!! |They shouldn't have been meeting and having dinner now, you are his gf! she is the EX!! And the cuddly name calling, that has to stop right now! It's just not on. I told my bloke to push his ex into the background or else, they used to have cosy chats when i was at work, luckily now they are few and far between and (allegedly) only about their two kids. But all these things do make people feel very insecure and quite rightly so, this is your bf not hers, why should she take up any of his time at all? Why does he have to catch up with her at all? I don't get this.
You need to lay your cards on the table and have a good chat and explain how you feel and what you want, don't take any cr*p.
I would put visiting your ex on hold until you sort out this situation. Don't give either of them any fuel for this fire.
Take care
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Dr. Pete! Your advise was genuine! Well....I talked to my boyfriend today about the situation. Things went well...actually things turned out well. There were some disagreements, but we both came to an understanding.
I told him how i felt, and he said that he didn't intentionally want to hurt me. He asked what would make me happy For him to not ever talking to her again?? To test the waters...I said Yes! He thought about it for a couple of minutes...there was a long pause, and he said "ok". He said that it wasn't worth it to have her come in between our relationship. Of course, I didn't want them to completely stop talking, what if they are really just friends??
So....we agreed that she can contact him and respond through email so that they can keep in touch and let each other know what they are up to. I said that was fine...BUT he needs to stop calling her the soppy names. I explained how inappropriate that is, and told him he wouldn't like it if I were doing that with my ex. He agreed, but then had BUTS lined up. I told him that he can't have excuses...he needs to treat me the same way he would want me to treat him. So....he agreed, no more soppy names, no more dinners, and no more contacting her. She can contact him and since she does that every few weeks, that should be enough for them to stay in touch as friends. He was very sincere towards me in this talk, and i trust him to stick to his words.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2006): Hi there
It sounds like you are being very reasonable and understanding about this and whilst he has tried to take your "perspective" on board - he's failing so far.
I think some of what he is doing is OK, but I think he has to have a reality check here and sort out his priorities.
Look at the soppy names thing, does he call any of his other friends "sweet thang"? She may be his ex, but he is in a relationship with you now and so whatever their history, it would be inappropriate for him to overstep the friends line. I think you are right, I don't think he has really allowed himself to let go, distance himself emotionally from her and commit to you.
I can actually relate to a lot of your message, I have been (in your boyfriends position) in the past and my advice to you would be that this is a problem, his lying about wanting to see her, and choosing to get closer to her when you argue are signs that she is too important in his life for him to be a commited boyfriend to you. If you have a relationship problem you sort it out with them, you don't go running off to your ex for sympathy.
The dinners need to stop, as do the regular emails and telephone calls. How often are they keeping in contact? every day? How many of your male friends, ex, or no ex, do you have regular dinner with? call and email all the time? probably none. I think you need to have another proper talk about all of this, and, if you catch him lying to you ever again, leave him.
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