A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I need advice. My boyfriend was divorced from his wife for 20 years when she committed suicide. She had been re-married to another man for 10 of those years. She's been dead for 5 years yet my boyfriend still cries about her death sometimes as if she had died last week. For a while I allowed him the chance to mourn because of the tragic way she died. But I'm getting sick of it now and I feel absolutely horrible about it. But let me also explain, they were in college when they got married. They had two kids and then she had an affair with her boss and left my boyfriend to be with this other man. Things didn't exactly go as planned and her boss never got a divorce from his wife, so she became very angry and bitter as a result. She polluted the kids with her distorted hatred of men and they grew up thinking negative things about their Dad. To this day, they still have a strained relationship that I have to deal with because of the way she brainwashed them to hide her own flaws. The kids do not know the truth about her affair and I hope they never do. But I am getting sick of everyone putting her up on a pedestal (especially my boyfriend because he does know the truth). I feel like a horrible person because after all she is gone but I'm having trouble feeling sad every time he brings up her name and becomes teary-eyed. What should I do???
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2009): I'm afraid you walked into a situation where his issues are too deeply ingrained. For whatever reason, he was never able to get over her -- maybe she was his first real love. It goes without saying that he's in a very unhealthy space.
He really needs competent grief counselling. If he's unwilling, or if he's too set in his ways to get over it, you really will have to look after your own mental health, probably by getting out of the relationship.
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reader, rcn  +, writes (18 April 2009):
 It seems as if he's not moving through the morning process. Some people, subconsciously, see moving on as disrespecting the person who passed away, so they block themselves from doing so. And the way she passed leaves unanswered questions, and the "what if I would have" thoughts. For some, they didn't get a chance to say goodbye. This leaves a void of needing closure, but not having them there to say goodbye to, the void remains open.
I recommend grief counseling. If the kids are interested, I'd recommend family therapy as well. She may not be here, but he is, and the relationship between he and his children is important. Family support is real important during tough times. Find a good grief counselor, or if you belong to a church, their leadership can assist with either doing the counseling or recommending someone else who would be effective.
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