A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 5 months, been together 2.5 yrs and have a 14 month old child. Prior to that, my husband was with a woman for 10 years, they had a kind of friends relationship with on/off sex but he clearly doted on her, she can do no wrong in his eyes and he only left her because he wanted to start a family - she was older than him and I am 10 years younger than him. I didn't know this at the time when we started dating, it has only come to light latterly over why he left her.This may sound a really silly question to ask but I would value views of both sexes on why he has done this - I want to understand the perspectives of both sexes please.My husband "doesn't do" presents, this is something that hurts me immensely and despite sitting down and telling him how special they are to me (they make me feel appreciated and loved), he always agrees to make an effort but then birthdays and Christmas come along and there isn't anything for me, not even a card. This year I felt like I nagged and nagged him and made the point that I have lost my Mum this year (she always bought me beautiful presents and cards) and that I would like him to do the something similar, especially as this was our first married Christmas.A couple of days before Christmas I asked him how he was doing with the presents to which he replied, I don't know what you want (even though I have told him over and over what I would have liked) and it blew up into an argument. Yes, he had got a huge box of chocolates for his ex-girlfriend "because I knew her for 10 years and you won't tell me who I can and can't buy presents for" and he had bought me exactly the same box, because the second box was on half price. The chocolates are not my favourite, I have told him time and time again I do not like them. I felt so angry, that I have to have the same chocs as his ex. The box was beautiful, the best I've ever seen but I dug my heels in and said no, I didn't want them (how could I enjoy them knowing his ex was eating the same!) so he gave them to my sister, who was delighted with them and obviously didn't know the story behind them. He did go and get me a much smaller box of my favourite chocs which he gave to me from our child, not himself. He just gave me £10 worth of "tat" (this is a man who is on a very big salary) so I felt even more cheated that he didn't even think I was worth getting anything nice.Question - why does he still care about his ex-girlfriend and get her what she wants?Quetion - why can't he be bothered to make me feel happy and make an effort?He is very keen to start trying for our next child, I feel absolutely nothing for him at the moment and can't bear him near me. I feel our relationship is heading for disaster but feel I can't muster up the energy to do anything to stop it going that way. I have been to the doctors but they don't think I need a counsellor. I know you are supposed to concentrate on what you have got and not what you haven't but to me it is the principle. I have been told to lower my expectations but why should I lower them to expect nothing. My husband gladly and unashamedly accepted the gifts from me and my family, I don't know why he doesn't "feel" anything that he can't be bothered.I appreciate lots of people have real problems and this is silly but it is the underlying feelings I can't come to terms with and hope someone has some answers from either their own experiences or perhaps you act this way with your loved one too and can explain it to me?Thanks
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female
reader, sxc lady +, writes (3 January 2008):
Hi, I have a similar problem in the fact that my partner still sees his ex wife.They were together for 14yrs and married for 10 and she left because they couldnt have children together. My partner has been honest and admitted that he still loves his ex and just wants to see her happy.We have recently had a big discussion as to who he wants to be with and how we both feel and he said he wants to be with me and my Daughter(from a previous relationship). What im getting around to saying is that in my eyes although it hurts i wouldnt begrudge yr partner seeing his ex wife because they have history but the present buying is a different matter.No matter what my partner has said or done he has never sent his ex a present of any sort and has even asked me if it is ok to send a b'day or xmas card. Your partner sounds as confused and mixed up as my partber is.I'm afraid like me you have 2 choices do you just give in and let him go or do you stand and fight for what you believe is a worthy cause??Like me only you have the power to control your destiny!!! Good luck to both of us.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2007): Ahh, I feel for you after reading your post.There is an old saying that 'if you think you're being badly treated then you are'.It seems to me that this is the way he is, and the way he is going to stay, so I guess the sad truth is that it is up to you to decided if this is what you want to put up with or not.My guess is that you should tell him a final time what it is you expect and deserve from your relationship and if he is unwilling or unable to give you those things then you should break it off and move on with your life.It may be upsetting and hard, but it is that or stay with him and be unhappy for ever.Good luck and please don't settle for less, there are wonderful men out there who can give you the things you deserve and even if you don't find one for a while, you will be much happier by yourself and being true to yourself than being unhappy and living a lie.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2007): Question - why does he still care about his ex-girlfriend and get her what she wants?
There were together 10 years, they broke up on positive term and the only thing that lacked in their relatioship was her unwillingness to give him children. They had a friendship as well as a relationship. However she is in his past. He has decided to be in a relationship with you and become a family with you.
Quetion - why can't he be bothered to make me feel happy and make an effort?
'He doesnt do presents'. It sounds as though this is smething that you knew early on. He didnt treat her any more special as he only gave her chocolates as well. However, I can totally understand where you are coming from. You are his women and want to be treated special, that is your right you are not only his women but the mother of his child and possible future children. You also commented on the fact that your mother used to buy you lovely gift before she died. I am sorry to hear this. It sounds as though you are missing something in your life and really need him to look after you in the way that you need and deserve. You say you have spoken to him and he is not taking note.
It sounds to me that there is some kind of grieving on both ends. You may still be grieving the lost of your mother or atleast deeply missing her. And your husband may well be upset about some aspects of his old relationship such as her unwillingness to settle down with him.
That may well be hurtful to hear but it doesnt mean all doom and gloom. You are both huiman and both have needs and feelings. He has chosen to move on and that doesnt mean he can erase her from his mind.
You were together for 6 months before falling pregnant with him and have recently been married. You both still have so much learning to do with one another, Relationships need work and you need to try to communicate and avoid arguing. You have only just (5 months ago) made the vows to be together, so try, try and try before just giving up.
One last thing. You dont need him to treat you (although it would be nice). Treat yourself the way you would like to be treated. Buy yourself flowers once or twice a week, even get them delivered. set yourself a candle lit bath with floating candles, buy yourself insent sticks and things that make you feel special. Dont loose sense of who you are. Maybe in time he will realise your needs but you cant change a person already set in their ways.
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A
female
reader, rockelle  +, writes (27 December 2007):
 To be honest I am shocked. I am shocked that your husband expects for you to be happy with a box of chocolates for Christmas. Not to mention the fact that he brought the same box for his ex-girfriend. To be honset with you I would hold off on that second child because it sounds to me like you guys have some issues. If there were financial reason behind no gift thing , I would say forget about it. Gifts aren't important. But when he makes a good salary and you had to practically beg for a gift and then he goes out and buys a gift for the ex, without her asking I am assuming...What a jackass. That gift says to me that they still see each other and talk, and he obviously cares as much for her as he does for you if not more. He needs to make a decision, that is unacceptable behaviour. I am sorry that he more than likely ruined your Christmas, you deserve to be treated like a wife not a step-child.
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