A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone! Have an issue and any feedback would really be appreciated. I'm 19 and my guy just turned 34. We've been going out 7 months. So we semi-live together, he has an apt. and we'll spend time there, I do laundry, we cook together, clean etc. We have fun together and the past two days, we've been playing old school nintendo games :p I think he might love me but he's difficult to understand at times. He's gentle with me, affectionate, ready to help in any way, and he always tells me that I can do anything. But, he always wants things his way. If I object, he keeps trying. Anal sex is not appealing to me at all. We spoke about it and I asked casually if he tried it. He snapped that it was not my business and that stung. He's my first lover! Then he pressed on saying we'd try it and see. I coldly turned away. He asked me what was wrong. I said "nothing." Next day, still upset. He gets all sweet and tries to cheer me, I let him but I'm still not 100%. I have patience but I hate this about him. Help? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes...now that I really think about it. There have been times where he's been...forceful, I rebel or give in and then, he backs up and is sweet. My mother isn't crazy about him but finds him nice. The friends he has met find him really sweet, he offered to pay for my best friend's clothes shopping once. I haven't met his friends...well, just two that spoke no English and very briefly.
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (8 September 2010):
 I'm not trying to make you break up with your boyfriend, but I just need you to know that once a man gets to be his age his behavior is pretty much set. And don't confuse natural leadership skills with being stubborn. I'm not saying he's through and through a bad guy, all I'm saying is be careful. Try to keep an open mind and consider the fact that although he may have his nice moments, maybe this situation is not the best for you to be in.
You seem very mature to me, and you are being honest with us so I respect that. So looking at things objectively.... are you noticing a pattern in your relationship? Maybe him snapping at times, possibly when he doesn't get his way? Then reeling you back in by being nice and seeming patient when it works to his advantage? Have your parents or friends met him? What do they think about him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHonestly yes, there has been pressure and sometimes, I've been able to steer it away. To me, he's a little spoiled (mother's fav) and has natural leadership skills that sometimes make him demanding. Yes, he has snapped before... But, he has been patient with me on a few things.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (7 September 2010):
Just don't let him make you feel guilty about anything. Relationships are about equals. If he wants his way on some things, don't let him make you feel bad for wanting YOUR way.
Has he snapped at you in the past? Has he made you feel guilty or pressured you into certain things? Do you think he has the same patience towards you that you have towards him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Tennisstar, I really appreciate the advice! :) TimmD, I can understand where you are coming from...I've been having a few doubts myself. But, trust me, I don't let him have his way because he pouts :p I dunno how often he plays, but we were trying the games out for kicks...I was hesitant about going out with him, very much so. But, we seemed to click well. You're right, he is pretty set in his ways but is there a way to "counter"? I care about this man and before I throw in the towel, I want to be sure that its a KO. I sense this manipulation too...but, what can I do about it?
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (7 September 2010):
 Wait you asked if he ever tried or received anal sex? I don't blame you on anal sex, to me it's an exit not an entrance...it's just not cut out for penetration. You don't have to comply to anal sex, it's your body your choice whether he like it or not. He can't force you to do anything. It sounds like this relationship is controlled by him, and if he doesn't get his way he pouts. I would go ahead and drop the argument for now, you asked about his previous sex life(in a way) it is true it isn't really your business..but I do understand where you're trying to compare if a past girlfriend didn't like or refused it either. Or you can semi resolve at by telling him you didn't mean anything offensive by it you were just inquiring but do understand the past it the past, and do let him no anal sex isn't your cup of tea and you don't wish to engage in it. If he is any kind of boyfriend he will respect your choice, if not and he continues to push then he my dear is not a keeper even at 34.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (7 September 2010):
I hate to bring this up because I'm sure you've already heard this... but there is a bigger issue at hand here I believe. Your age difference. And it's not just the difference in age actually, it's your specific ages. Him being 34, single, playing Nintendo games, there a good chance he very set in his ways. He likes what he likes and he's used to "being his own boss" and getting his way. Want to know why I think this? Because he is dating you, a 19 year old. No offense to you, but 19 year olds are a lot less experienced with "real world" relationships and haven't established what you like or dislike yet compared to a woman his own age. Someone his own age is a lot less likely to put up with his sitting around playing Nintendo and yelling at them.
My advice is something you are not going to like.... but I think you need to move on. Find someone closer to your own age. Respectable, mature, and responsible 34 year olds don't usually date 19 year olds. It's not specifically his age as it is his character.
Someone closer to your age and going through the same things you are would be better for you. You shouldn't feel nervous about bringing up sexual questions, especially since he is your first. I think he's manipulating you because of your age and inexperience. Proof of this is the major mood swings. He tries to control you and gets angry but when he sees you are upset he gets very nice. THAT is manipulation. Trust me, you are better off moving on.
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