A
female
age
51-59,
*amper12
writes:i found out that my boyfriend of 7 years slept with a prostitute on a lads weekend. he had been to a STD clinic and i found the appointment slip. at first he tried to deny anthing and then admitted it. i asked him to leave, and he left the next day taking everything with him. i thought he would be sorry and begging to be forgiven but 3 weeks has gone by and he is telling me that we are over. i am devastated, cant cope, not only with what he did, but that he no longer wants me. i feel out of control. he has called a few times and asking friends how i am, but when i speak to him i am so emotional and find myself begging him. i know i am not being rational. but i am panicking and want him back so much, so that we can sort this out together. he has hidden himself away, and friends are telling me he is very low and quiet. please help me, i am desperate to know which way to turn and what to do
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, camper12 +, writes (31 December 2009):
camper12 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh no please, dont go
i need more advice and sensible words of wisdon to healp me thru this god awful time
sittin here on my own on new year eve
please help
A
female
reader, camper12 +, writes (31 December 2009):
camper12 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionplease!!! need more advice to keep me strong. i have heard nothing from him, he is away this week and said he would contact me "in the new year" he said we need a break from all the emotions.
do you all think its the right thing to stop contact? or will he think i am fine without him? his brother told him honestly that i am not too good, he was worried but didnt call me. then again, i dont want him to pity me, but want him to know how much he means to me.............
feel i am losing the plot
and need your help
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A
female
reader, camper12 +, writes (30 December 2009):
camper12 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you to lazyguy and brainscanhug for your latest answers. you can see there is more to this than just a cheating idiot. that is why i am being so forgiving. he has been on a collision course lately.
he has alot of issues, none of which i have ever been able to look at with him,he is a closed book. but he was due to have some counselling in the new year and he is already on prozac but drinks on top of it.
so you think if i just back off and let him ponder on things it will be beneficial? let him see what he is missing out on? should i start from now or try to text him saying i love him etc (to be honest i have done that alot already)
i just cant bear it anymore, i am feeling so low and have anxiety every morning when i wake up and he isnt there. the dr has suggested i have some medication.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2009): Depression happens to people who are vulnerable to it and who go through a stressful time in their lives (usually more than one). Did you mention a huge stressor that might have caused this? Perhaps if you figure out what is making him depressed, you can fix it. Also, Prozac is yummy.
Furthermore, if he is depressed, he might associate you with the depression. Telling him something like, "You are worth a whole lot to me. I love you and think you are really special. You should come back to me because we deserve to be together," might help him, since that's exactly the kind of thing depressed people want to hear.
Although, I'll be honest. Something like depression can be helped with professional guidance. Maybe a boyfriend/girlfriend of 7 years counselor could help you two.
And you are turbo forgiving. Just don't be so nice you forgive someone who is not remorseful. People who think they have done nothing wrong will continue to do wrong. Why stop?
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (30 December 2009):
 You say he has been self-destructive. Well, this would be a good example, blowing up the relationship like this and refusing to do anything to fix it. Just hiding away.
Has his depression gotten worse perhaps?
Depression is very difficult to fix and really requires the help of professionals but if he doesn't want to deal with it, then nothing is going to happen.
If depression fits, then you should get help. Perhaps (and this is amateur advice) by begging him, by trying constantly you are enabling him to not face the results of his actions. Maybe it is time to take a step back and let him see what he is losing.
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A
female
reader, camper12 +, writes (30 December 2009):
camper12 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi
please can i give you more info on this
we had been getting on great, no problems with sex life at all. he had been depressed for most of this year and was on a bit of a self destruct - in trouble at work and drinking alot. i didnt know how to help him other than encouraging him to talk etc
when i found the leaflet i didnt know what to do as things were going so well. when i confronted him and he confesseed he was GUTTED he said he was disgusted and ashamed of himself. he didnt want to leave at first, and it was me who insisted as i just didnt know what to do.
however now he is saying its for the best as he thinks he has pushed me too far and wants to be alone
i dont think for one moment he enjoyed this or that he wants to do it again
he says he misses me and my daughter but that its over
i know i sound desperate and needy, but i want some advice on how to show him that i can forgive this stupid mistake and i want him to come back
ok, i do want him to be remoresful too - he spoke to my brother and said he had really messed up and was ahamed of himself
please help
please dont judge me
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A
female
reader, camper12 +, writes (30 December 2009):
camper12 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks to those who advised me. this was the first time he did it, i am sure
i cant accept thats its over after a stupid mistake
i want him back
how do i do it
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2009): I think he is bored with you and he wanted to try someone new and it seems he liked the idea. that is why he is not coming back. probably he is asking your friends to see how you are coping with the break up. he feels guilty but I think he is gone. you should forget him and look ahead instead of looking back. good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2009): You were so right to dump him. What a jerk!
Okay, give yourself a huge mental shake here. He cheated! Now YOU are begging HIM to come back? I don't understand!!!!!! Do you have any self respect at all? Is he allowed to do whatever he wants in this relationship, come back later, and walk all over you? NO!
Don't talk to him, and don't be in contact with him at all. You need time to heal, then you can move on to find someone else that won't treat you like dirt.
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A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl  +, writes (30 December 2009):
 (sigh) LazyGuy said it all, Honey! He is spot-on! You are devasted because you are alone. I know! You will survive...
Instead of focusing on your "aloneness," focus on his betrayal! You didn't deserve that after seven years together! No one deserves to be betrayed!
He sounds to be going through a huge guilt trip...understandably so! Let him dwell on it! Let him realize what a huge mistake he has made!
By being desparate and begging him to come back, you are condoning his behavior and giving him a free pass to do it again!
Be strong and respect yourself more than that! Good Luck!
~BG~
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2009): There's nothing really you can do about a guy as stupid as that. You are the victim of his emotional crime, but as our society stands, no one is going to do anything about it. (Now if I were in charge, the law would be a little different. *sigh*) I know you want him back, but he has completely betrayed you and doesn't want to fix it. The good news is that you did nothing wrong.
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (30 December 2009):
 Sweetheart,
You can do better than this guy will ever offer. Count your stars that you didn't marry or have kids with him. You will find new love. Just let the sting of this relationship pass first. He possibly put your life at risk (HIV or AIDS). Get tested. I doubt this is the first time he has strayed. I promise there are more fish in the sea.
Good Luck,
Jeff
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (30 December 2009):
Well, I can't tell you what to do, it is your life.
You say you are devastated by that he no longer wants you. But do you actually want him back? Or is it just that your pride demands that he begs for forgiveness?
An understandable emotion but that might just not happen.
Why has he left? Is he avoiding having to deal with what he did or has his intrest in this relationship ended before and this was just the catalyst.
Take a step back. You are begging him to stay... a man who went to a hooker (and this is the case you know about) and risked an STD by not practicing safe sex and then left you the moment you confronted him...
why? Because you love him so much? What do you love? What are you begging to come back to you?
Panic is never a good advisor. Accept what has happened and try to make a choice based on where you want to go from him, rather then just "I want to go back to the way things were" because that can never be.
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