A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I know this might not sound serious, but I'd really like to get some other people's opinions! I found out (from a girlfriend, humiliatingly) that my boyfriend of a year had signed up for an account with a site that enables users to meet people for casual sex or flings. He hadn't filled in much of the profile, and there were no photos of him on the site. He used a profile generator which filled up a large part of the page with rather vulgar sexual requests. He set up the account a week ago. He told me he wasnt quite sure what the site was all about, he just wanted a sneaky look, that he was bored and that he hasnt been back to check it since. I really don't know whether to trust him or not? I just find it hard to believe he didnt know what the site was all about -I did within seconds. I feel especially insecure as we met on the internet..what should I do?Thanks for your help, guys =)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2007): Hello,
The largest single use of the internet is porn, but hopefully most is not harming anyone, is no one else's business and for self-gratification only. Men are all about the hunt and the visual. If he's fishing for compliments or has been set up by his mates - that's one thing. If he's fishing for something else, he would have logged on again (and you know that you can get gadgets that will moniter his use). Only you know how vulgar he was and if he was pushing boundaries. But the big question is - your trust in his intent. You are concerned that you met on line and that therefore... this proves he is up to something, but just have a frank talk with him to find out why he is using the computer. He might need more from you giving. Try to be non-confrontational, don't lose your cool and accuse him of anything, and you'll probably be able to find out why he did this - and then -Take it from there.
A
female
reader, Tanyas247  +, writes (2 February 2007):
 Sweetie, you have every right to be worried. After a year, a relationship is a bond between people making investments in eachother. We make investments by putting our time and energy into eachother, hoping to get a nice return. In this way, you are building towards a retirement of sorts. If one person is not investing equally, someone is going to lose big. You've obviously been questioning whether he is investing properly, and I would say take your money and run.
Take a closer look at your relationship. Do you remember ever feeling he was fibbing or hiding something before all of this? Have you ever caught him in a small lie? If so, then talking to him will not ease your fears. If not, and he really has been completely upfront and honest with you in the past, then talk to him more about it. After a year, you have some background on him. I would give him a chance to explain. Don't be afraid to probe! Unless you regain trust in him soon, you may grow unhappy and insecure which is completely unfair. This is not a good return on your investment. If you have talked to him about it, and still are feeling unsure and suspicious, there is a reason. We have intuition, and we should use it. He is supposed to be your partner, and partners need security.
Best of Luck!
Tanya
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2007): Well I do think this is serious, hun. Because it is hurting you. I mean it really is one thing, to look at these sites for fun and laughs, it's quite another telling thing---to actually post a profile, no matter how 'empty and generic' the profile is. Don't excuse his actions by convincing yourself,the profile is empty of his personal info...it takes just seconds to back on this site and enter in anything he wants. He needs to drop the ego massage. The last thing you need is to discover that he's irresistible to some woman on the net, who might want to meet him for sex games. His behaviors are clearly telling you, that he has an 'intent' in mind. Why on earth would he jeopardize your relationship just because he's bored, wants a sneaky look? This is so much more than a look. I know you love him but don't be blind to the ugly realities here. It sounds like this relationship needs some boundaries and you need to enact them, dear. Show your true grit, hun--because his actions are causing you pain and to mistrust him and as trust is foundational in any relationship...he has great shaken yours to the core. Trust is earned. When trust is broken the offender ( your bf) has to work twice as hard to establish it again.
I think you need to tell him to take the profile down...pronto How he responds to your request, will tell you a lot about his character and level of his commitment to you, should come into focus. And if he does take the profile down, can you trust him not to pull this off again? Only you know that. And remember, any kind of 'insecurity' in a relationship is not good, hun. But I will say such fears are normal and natural. We all experience them. But remember,the true quality of your relationships and your whole life experience will greatly depend on how you face those fears. Using a relationship with a man you can't trust and he's acting out badly, is a guaranteed way to diminish your own self worth even further. Don't allow this to happen to you. Life is too short and there are simply too many wonderful guys out there who wouldn't dream of doing this. Don't let fear of losing him control you. Talk to him about how this hurts you... be strong. I wish you the best, dear and take care of yourself.
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A
female
reader, Ohboy +, writes (2 February 2007):
 Per request please bare in mind that my response is purely an opinion only. Your boyfriend cares only about satisfying his own needs whilst having the luxury of a girlfriend with open arms 24 7. He's not going to confess to his curiosity of straying especially when put in a corner.
You were given the opportunity to learn your boyfriend can't be trusted. If you forgive and forget now and he may certainly break your heart in the future. Do you want to keep looking over your shoulder for as long as this relationship lasts or worse yet ... worry about the possibility of catching STD's?
Good luck on whatever decision you make.
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