A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with my boyfriend a little over a year and i care about him deeply, but he's a very proud and prideful person. He refuses any form of help or admitting he needs anyone in his life besides himself and his 3 year old daughter. Don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with that and i'm not judging him that's his persona on his life and how he feels. What i do have a problem with is that he shuts me out especially when times get rough. He's really good at building a wall and creating distance to handle things on his own. And he says things that really hurt and i know he says it because he's frustrated, but i don't know really how to go about this? I reassure him im always here for him if he does need the help. I guess what im asking is how do i deal with someone who has this much pride? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (10 July 2013):
 Sorry to hear you are going through this. I can certainly relate to wanting to help someone who doesn't want help or who puts up walls when all you want to do is help.
Unfortunately, it sounds like this is the way he is. You've done everything humanly possible to help him, but due to his nature, he doesn't want your help (he may not want to feel like he owes you or doesn't want a woman's help). That may be hard for you to accept, but it is something that you must if you want to be be happy in your relationship.
I would caution you, however, in being with someone who takes out his frustrations with verbals assaults. We all should have control over our anger and if he resorts to name calling and saying things he can't take back (or worse, physical violence), you may want to think twice about whether you'll really be able to deal with difficult situations. Believe me, as your relationship ages, you'll find more and more issues that will come up. If he is unable to deal with life's disappointments without hurting you personally, you will wind up miserable.
This may be a red flag that you should heed...
Eddie
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 July 2013):
 Bottom line -- you can't deal with that. He's immature and has gotten himself into a lot of trouble. Obviously, he needs others in order to take care of his 3-year old, and he's pretty bitter about things in his past.
He's like an undercooked turkey. He needs more maturing, and you can't help him do that. It's either accept him as he is, or leave him.
I think you should leave him, because saying hurtful things is verbal abuse. He has way too much baggage for someone his age, and you are at the start of your life. You should be with someone carefree, not dealing with being shut out and used as an emotional punching bag. You can not fix him or be his caretaker, and that's always a temptation.
Don't get sucked in, or you will damage your own heart and end up as cold and bitter as he is. Bitterness is very contageous...it infects when unchecked and not dealt with.
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