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female
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anonymous
writes: I have known this 22 yr old guy on and off all his life, but we became close 10 months ago whilst he was going through a really painful break up with his ex of 5 years (she lied and cheated on him) and we became bf and gf 4 weeks ago after he had been pursuing me for 2 months. When we were friends he was so attentive but now we are bf/gf it seems like we have totally lost our way. From my point of view, our relationship is really up and down. He is a very complex character. I’d say half the time I feel really positive about the relationship, the other half I want to end it. I love him to pieces. I wouldn’t say ‘in love’ yet because all my budding feelings for him are being diminished by things he is doing.On Saturday, he sent me a message asking what I was doing that evening. When he hadn’t heard from me by 7.30pm (had a problem at work) he called me. Instead of asking me directly if I wanted to see him, he told me he wasn’t doing anything that evening. (He can be very shy at times but at others he is almost too direct). So I suggested we do something. We finally decided on stopping in for the evening. Anyway, I hadn’t long got there when he said ‘we’re going out’ because he needed to get some air (he can be spontaneous whereas I plan things more). Well, I’m always up for going out so I said ‘yes’. Anyway, he then said ‘you’re driving’. He didn’t say it nastily but I was a bit annoyed he didn’t ask me. I told him I was tired (because I had stayed at work late) and he said (in a nice way) ‘You could have stayed at home I would have understood’. Anyway, I agreed to drive as his car is playing up.I was looking forward to going somewhere nice but we just ended up driving around a local town looking for his best friend who had gone out for the evening because he wanted to say ‘hello’ to him. So my bf spent most of his time on his mobile trying to get hold of his best friend whilst I felt I was a chaffeur. I find the whole relationship he has with his best friend a bit weird as I have never seen two guys so close before. In fact, I actually feel like I am the outsider. His ex’s father actually suggested that they were gay. I think his ex felt so neglected because of the amount of time he spends with his best friend that she looked elsewhere and I never thought I would sympathise with HER. Very often when my bf comes to see me he says ‘X didn’t have anything planned so I thought I’d come and see you’ which always makes me feel second best. Another time, my bf wanted to take me out somewhere. Anyway, he dissappeared for a bit and then returned saying ‘.X is coming - hope you don’t mind. I thought you two could get to know each other’. Again, I was annoyed because he told me instead of asked me. My bf has asked me stay over with him for the first time this weekend but whilst we were out he asked ‘X’ if he wanted to stay over too!!!!So, here’s me beginning to think maybe he is gay, but then whilst we were out on this drive there were loads of girls and he was eyeing them up and making comments. I sometimes think he is trying to make me jealous so I said to him ‘ok you look at the girls and I’ll look at the guys’ (because I do believe in fairness!). He went serious and said ‘well my theory is you can look but you can’t touch’ which I agree with.Later on he took a call on his mobile. He was calling this girl ‘honey’ and ‘darling’ (I thought he only called me that but I now realise he uses them as general terms when he talks to a girl). He really seemed to enjoy the call, asking her how she was, how he would love to go out that evening with her but he couldn’t (he never shows that enthusiasm with me), asking her how work was going. I was driving around thinking he’d got a girlfriend and was rubbing my nose in it. As soon as he got of the phone he said it was X’s ex-girlfriend so at least he wasn’t being secretive. I confess to feeling jealous and I don’t know, again, if that is what he was trying to do because he claims that he doesn’t like her.We’re not exclusive yet either which bothers me but I realise that it may be because he has only come out of a long term relationship earlier this year. He’s only held my hand once in public (on the day we got together as bf/gf). In fact, most of the time he doesn’t even walk with me!!!, particularly when his family and friends are around. (He is trying to see how long it takes them to work out we are bf/gf because his family have been trying to get us together). I am beginning to think he is embarrassed about me since he has told me he had no problems with public displays of affection with his ex and he did really romantic things with her.Why is he like this and what can I do about it?
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at work, best friend, ex girlfriend, his ex, jealous, shy Reply to this Question
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male
reader, TheActor +, writes (16 October 2006):
Talk to him. I can't really understand where he's coming from in some of these situations, but i suggest this: get him drunk (only if you want to lol) and then have a good conversation about where you two stand. He'll be more honest, if you're prepared to hear that side of things.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2006): Oops! I've realised I used the wrong word when I posted my question. I didn't mean 'exclusive' in the 'we're not exclusive' bit. We are exclusive - what I mean is that he hasn't told anyone he knows that we are together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2006): Dump him girl he's playing games with you! Let him get away with it and your self esteem is going to hit rock bottom. Find a guy who can treat you with the love and respect you deserve. This guy sounds like a total jerk!!
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