A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I apologise for the long question in advance.Me and my boyfriend have been in a Long Distance Relationship for a year and 5 months now.I live in the UK and he lives in America.The first time I went to America, everything was perfect.As soon as I went home he was overly paranoid, a little controlling, possessive and it definately felt like he didnt trust me. He suffers from anxiety too, which probably doesnt help!I had a few worries too, but nothing major.He used to swamp me with IM's, emails, phonecalls... Every second of the day, and overnight while I was sleeping!Asking me who I was with, telling me I couldn't see certain people, and do certain things because it made him uncomfortable. He would make me feel uncomfortable by talking about my ex-boyfriends and male friends, and asking me how he compares to them, or accusing me of cheating on him.I slowly lost my entire social life and self esteem, mainly to prove to him I only wanted him and there was nothing to worry about.The second time I went to the USA, he still told me he loved me, but it didn't feel like it. He was working, but inbetween he wouldn't take me out, refused to go for walks with me just to get out a little, he told me he had no money to do things and we argued pretty much every day.I even fell ill, and he argued with me about that too!He seemed very selfish and lazy, and I regretted staying for so long.Then I went home, and things were up and down on the phone, but he was still obsessed with talking to me.After, he came to England to stay with me and my family. Despite the fact we took hom out on a regular basis, showed him the sights and we all tried our hardest to make him happy and have a good time!He seemed very unappreciative. We argued, and he would apologise, and cry.Now he has gone back to America, we rarely talk. He doesn't IM me much, not even to ask how I am or what I'm doing.He's busy with his friends a lot, so if I call, he only talks for a few minutes before 'some excuse' comes up and we get off the phone.The first 2 nights he was home he 'fell asleep' by accident, instead of talking to me at all!Also, every time we talk, all he talks about is sex... As if he doesn't want other conversation anymore.He says he has realised I want my space and we should both see our friends.I have wanted this every since day 1, but it seems so strange that all of a sudden he is happy to go all day without talking to me... As if something else is on his mind?I confronted him about our lack of communication, and it turns into an argument about how 'i dont want him to leave the house'.Then after a while, his friend messages me saying I shouldnt worry about my boyfriend cheating, and he loves me very much.I'm so confused.It feels like the tables have completely turned.I find it strange that someone like him can 'change' all of a sudden?I'm sure its not to benefit me, but I can't no for certain.Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut we had agreed to marry, and he agreed to move here as soon as possible.
It is me that doesn't want to get married straight away! I'm scared to, as we haven't been together for long.
He always says about how broken he would be if i ever left him and how his life would be shattered, but the way he acts is as if he's testing my patience.
If i tell him 'by doing this you make me wish i wasn't with you'
... He will say 'Don't be with me then, I can't force you to love who I am'
... He knows I wouldn't break up with him, so maybe thats his problem.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): I have also been in a long-distance relationship for a very long time 3 1/2 years. We have had the same problems that you mention. I would not recommend a long distance relationship to anyone. It is very difficult. We live in different states 4 hours apart. You live in different countries. That seems like an impossible situation to me.It sounds as if he is pretty much moving on. Even though this is very painful for you it is for the best. It will save you more heartache in the long run.I truly do understand how painful it is to lose someone you love, but you would be better off with someone close to you who can spend time with you. You are a very young woman you have lots of time to find the perfect man.You may wonder how I can say this while I am in a similar situation. He drives to see me every other weekend. So I still do see him on a regular basis. When we talk on the phone we bicker as well, but when we are together we get along very well. If I did not see him as often as I do there is no way that I would continue this relationship no matter how much it hurt short-term. Time does ease the pain.Good Luck and be good to yourself.
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A
female
reader, MonicaC  +, writes (19 August 2009):
 Long-distance relationships are so hard. I had my own that lasted quite awhile, and we had similar problems. It seems that when there is so much distance between two people, even if they love each other a lot, there is so much room for doubt and mistrust. It's hard to stay close without smothering the other person. Yet, it's also hard to be cool and give the other person space because that feels like indifference. In the end, you need to take a close look at whether you see this relationship going long-term or if it's perhaps an involvement that's time has passed. If that is the case, you can remain friends and find someone nearby. That would certainly be easier. I don't know if that is what you want. But, sometimes it is helpful to discuss where you two see things say in a year? Will one person move to be closer? Will you marry? When you ask those questions, it might give some perspective. I hope so.
I wish you only the best.
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A
female
reader, cherry cherry boom boom +, writes (19 August 2009):
I'm still a little young and have not been in too many relationships but that sounds odd to not call ya girl cuz you gotta hang with your friends. I don't believe in long distance relationships he could do any thing he wants without you knowing so I say drop it. This ya girl, peace.
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