A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've just been on holiday with my partner and children and we've come home and argued. I don't know what to say to him and I hope you could give me some advice.The first two days away he was smiling and laughing but then the third day he said he was tired. I tried to make conversation but half the time he would just ignore what I'd said or reply with one word answers.I gave him a bit of space while we were on the beach and went off to play with my kids but later on when my daughter tried showing him the fish she found in a rock pool and put in her bucket he didn't even respond to her.Every meal out we had he wouldn't order anything and just drank lager. He kept going to bed as soon as the kids did and when I got in to bed with him last night I gave his bottom a squeeze but he got so annoyed with it he started pulling the blanket then hit his head on the chest of drawers by the bed.We've come home and he's just sat there not saying anything, we went to the supermarket and the couple of things I said in the car he again ignored. He looks miserable all the time and when I ask what's wrong he gets really annoyed and tells me to stop asking him.I know that if I just sat there with a face like thunder he would tell me to smile. He would wonder why I didn't want to engage in conversation.He used to smoke weed a lot years ago before I met him and lately he's started to smoke it again. Not around my children, not that I agree with it, but I will admit that I have joined him a couple of times. Im quite embarrassed about that and I've stopped doing it.He's only happy when he's drunk or he's smoked that, but I've noticed he's become a bit vacant recently. Do you think smoking that makes people,well a bit vacant and boring. I know I've asked what's wrong a fair bit lately but I don't know how else to approach it. I don't agree with the whole marijuana smoking, I'm starting to think it may just be that. Has anybody else got any experience of a partner changing because of it?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 April 2017):
 He sounds like an addict. Treat him as one until you know more. This is classic withdrawal. going away on vacation he didn't get his "fix", did he? That's a sure way to make an addict grumpy and behave like he did. If he is in denial, then he doesn't even realize it himself, how he is addicted and how his mood changed and how he is making everyone around him upset.
Stop asking him what is wrong. I agree with him, it gets annoying. If you want answers, then demand them instead of nagging about "what's wrong whats wrong whats wrong" constantly. Tell him, like you wrote to us, that his behavior changed for the worse over the last days. And that you don't know why, but that you suspect he is addicted to drugs/alcohol, and that unless he tells you otherwise you will treat him like an addict from now on and try to get him to go off it.
You do know, if he is an addict (I really do suspect he is, he sounds just like it), then you have to decide if these mood changes are okay with you and the kids, or if you aren't better off alone. For the kids sake, I tell you, no doubt they are better off without an addict in their lives. Such weird and sudden changes, it makes children nervous, makes them think they did something wrong, like he suddenly just ignored your daughter at the beach. Such mood changed scares kids, really it does. They are dependent on the adults around them, and when one adults starts to act and behave like this, moods changing at random, one moment all smiles, then next ignores you, it messes with their heads and makes them unsure. It makes them feel not safe any longer.
So, if he doesn't stop drinking and smoking weed, I would kick him out. Really. For your kids sake, more than anything. Addicts have no business being around children.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2017): I don't really know if it's synthetic or natural but I think it's very strong. When I smoked it with him a while ago we were having a conversation and five minutes later I couldn't remember anything we were talking about. I really didn't like it and he looked so spaced out it wasn't very attractive.
I also noticed that he kept going to the toilet, we hired a chalet to stay in that had its own bathroom but he kept going off to the public toilets.
I've tried talking to him about how strangley he was acting and now it's turned all on me with him saying I like moaning.
We used to talk about so much and have fun but now it's like he has nothing to talk about and he isn't excited about anything. He works a lot, just so we can go on holiday, but what's the point in being on holiday when he's? so tired from working or from taking things he shouldn't.
But when I say that it just makes me sound quite ungrateful.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 April 2017):
 I think for some weed has a negative effect. Just like alcohol and drugs. For others? Totally mellow them out. I think it comes down to the person and the "quality" of the weed. Synthetic "weed" (which is much cheaper) is NOT good and doesn't affect people to the same extent. It NOT the same as the weed, as it's NOT a natural product.
Sounds like he is either dealing with depression, stress or that he JUST isn't happy with his life right now (which weed doesn't exactly HELP with, mellow or not) or that he was having withdrawals during your vacation. Which would lead me to guess he does OTHER kinds of drugs as well or has done before the vacation.
The whole "isolating" himself from you all on the vacation and at home could definitely be a sign of depression.
I think you NEED to have a conversation about this. He is, after all, destroying the relationship and you can't FIX that alone.
Don't make excuses for him - take the bull by its horns and deal with this. Either he gets his shit together or you continue alone? Because is there really any other option? Is this REALLY how you want it to be?
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