A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I are both in our mid 30's and have been married almost a year. Prior to getting married, we dated for 7 years. He works in law enforcement and I believe that is the root of his temper. He gets upset over many different things and takes things out on myself and my 12 yr old daughter. I've asked him to not speak to us that way or use the language that he uses towards us. He doesn't believe he behaves that way and that we provoke him. I get very little emotional support from him, he nevers says he loves me, and I have to find it elsewhere. He does not want counseling, what can I do to get him to work on our relationship??? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Jadzia1127 +, writes (25 February 2007):
 To lay blame on the feet of the person taking the verbal or physical assault is a classic abuse technique. It is denial and it is a two way street. He can deny his control over the abuse and you can deny that it is abuse. If fear and lack of trust is there then what you're feeling is NOT love it's the same intense feelings someone feels while running for their life. It can be as intoxicating or more so then love that is why there are so many extreme sport enthusiast, gamblers, and druggies but it is not love.
He refuses to admit he has a problem and get help so if he hasn't physically hurt you, he will. If he has physically hurt you it will only get worse, and the only way it will stop is when you die.
If he does do something to your daughter and you know of his violent temper, your daughter can and most likely will be taken away from you, for you knew she was in danger and did nothing to stop it.
The only real choices you have right now is if your going to put your daughter in the path of danger and lose her or get out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2007): I agree with all of what Carina has said, below. Just want to add my thoughts. Many people work in high stress jobs and still manage to make the most loving choice... to treat their familty with incredible love and respect. Hi law enforcement work, is not a viable excuse for your husband's behaviour, hun. Frankly, I am not worried about the reasons for his lashing out at you and your daughter. He 's an adult and he controls his reactions and responses to life's daily stresses. But I am concerned about how hurtful it is for you and your child. He has a anger management issues and doesn' t know how to communicate effectively. In effect, this is his problem. He needs help and he needs a plan of action to change. Counseling will help. He has to learn how to talk to you about his troubles, not take it out on you. This is what married couples do..they work through stressful times like this way, with patience,emotional support and encouragement. You need to be strong, set a huge behaviour boundary in this marriage and tell him 'enough, that his behaviours are hurting the people who love you the most and it is time to act like a grown-up'. Tell him family counselling is not an option. That you are going and you want him there by your side. I recommend counseling for your daughter as well. I imagine she has felt the hurt and I am concerned how all this is deeply affecting her, emotionally. She is top priority. You have an obligation to not only protect yourself but you need to protect your daughter from his toxic behaviours. It's horrible for a child to witness a parent getting out of control-it scares them. Protect her! If he can't do what needs to be done to help himself..then you had better re-evaluate this marriage, and decide if this is the type of future you want with this man.
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A
female
reader, Carina  +, writes (25 February 2007):
 I think your husband is probably suffering from stress and unfortunately he's taking it out on you and your daughter. This is extremely bad for your self-esteem and confidence. I'm glad you're finding some emotional support elsewhere, but this situation can't continue. The fact that he's blaming you for it is typical of this type of behaviour. It's not your fault. It's also a very bad atmosphere for your daughter to be growing up in. What worries me is that as she gets older and goes through the typical teenage problems, rebellion etc, his anger will probably get worse. You're right that he needs some help with stress and anger management. Have you suggested going together to couple counselling? Perhaps if he thinks you're accepting half the blame he would be more willing and a counsellor would get to the root of the problem. He needs to realise he can be helped to feel happier and better. If he won't go to see someone then you may have to give him an ultimatum. Tell him that you and especially your daughter can't go on being treated this way. Say that unless he goes to see the doctor about it and gets some help you will seriously have to consider separating until he sorts himself out. See if you can find a friend or relative you could stay with for a few weeks if necessary so that you can carry out your threat. Good luck.
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