A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey everyone, I really need some advice! Me and my partner have been together for 5.5 years, we were childhood sweethearts and got together at 16! Our relationship has always been good, we are both very laid back and therefore we don't tend to argue very much or if we do it's always solved quickly! 18 months ago my partner got a new phone upgrade however his new phone now had a password and the front screen was set so that if he received a message it would vibrate but the screen would remain blank so if it was on a table for instance you would not see on the screen who had text- this was not on his old phone. I did not ask for the passcode or why the phone screen was turned off, I had never had a reason not to trust him and had never searched his phone before so would not need access to the password. About 6 months after he got his new phone and about a year ago from now I was at his home doing some online shopping- favouriting links of various dresses for an upcoming wedding. When I went into his favourites to show him these I stumbled across two swingers websites he had saved. He was obviously there when I saw these as I was about to show him the dresses I had in mind! He stumbled across his words, didn't have a reason to give me and when I clicked on to the websites he had his own account on these- saying he was interested in people as dirty as him! He could not give me a reason as to why he had set these accounts up but there and then showed me that the mail box and activity of the account had remained empty. He said he hadn't used the account and instead had just viewed other accounts explicit pictures- he was very apologetic and deleted the accounts. Whilst I was completely hurt we worked through things and we moved on from this. History has now repeated itself. We were watching a film last week on his laptop and he received a notification from a new swinging site- he quickly closed it but I had already seen. I waited until he exited the room and pretended I had not seen it, when he left I went on his browser history and you bet- it was full of this website saying he had been on it most days. When I clicked on the website he had an active profile. This is where I wasn't very smart, instead of looking at the profile I confronted him. He snatched his laptop off me and I stormed out. Then later when I tried to confront him he completely denied having an account on the website despite me creating a fake account and then accessing his account linked to his email address and full of his details right in front of him. He denied ever visiting the website even though I had seen the history for myself and said that the profile was not him. Obviously I am not stupid- he has done this previously and the account says it had been created this time last year which was when all of the other accounts had coincidentally been made. Which makes me think he had made this account last year but as I had not discovered it he did not delete the profile. I demanded to see the account like he had shown me before, I demanded the truth as to what he had used the account for as there are options to meet people for sex in your area and that is the sole purpose of the website. He stood there and completely denied that the account was his- when I asked how he explained the coincidental visits to this website off his laptop he said he had never been on the site- as if I was stupid and would think I had got it wrong. He then replied 'well if it was on my laptop then I must of been on it'. That's as much as I have gotten. It's been two days of ignoring/arguing and I'm still no further forward. He won't let me see his email or laptop, and he won't let me on the account. He blocked the fake account I used to find him so I created another on which I can see him. He swore to me that this was not him when I tried to act like I was ok about it just to try and catch him out. I said that I would forgive him as long as I never saw that the account had been active again as it shows you when it has been online to which he arrogantly replied 'well it's not me so I can't help if the account is active'. This is going to sound really pathetic but I don't want to lose our relationship. Everything has been great apart from this- our sex life hasn't changed and we still enjoy a good sex life, we don't argue and he spends most of his time with me.I'm devastated about this account and now even more upset that he's trying to insult me and doesn't respect me enough to admit the truth. If this was another account made for him to masturbate over explicit photos of cause I would be hurt but what's worse now is he not knowing whether he has used the account to meet with others for sex. The sole purpose of this website is to meet with others for sex and his account details specifically says 'not interested in meeting males- only females as kinky as me'. What shall I do? He's adamant it is not him when it very clearly is.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2015): If you are not sure if your boyfriend of over 5 years is meeting up with swinger groups for random sex then I'm not sure tracking his internet behaviour is going to help.
Yes he could be the perverted liar that other aunts suggest, or he could just be a totally normal guy who has not covered up his sexual curiosity very well.
I think its true that most men have a more frequent need for sexual content in their lives than women do. We look at porn etc and are usually a bit ashamed and uncomfortable about being found out. I remember my father his a stack of porn mags on top of a cupboard, with internet porn guys have much more opportunity to explore. I try to cover my tracks and luckily my wife doesn't have the first idea how to see history! I joined a couple of dating sites out of curiosity and was interested in who else was there. After a while it all got boring and I am happy with my well hidden porn collection. And actually don't use it much now as I don't have the spare time. When does your boyfriend have time to do what you suspect? Maybe you need to distract him a bit more, and use up his sexual energy !! ;-) good luck.
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (22 July 2015):
 you are torturing yourself and he is letting you. you know what you saw. you know that he did not need to create profiles like this just to masturbate over explicit photos (there is plenty of porn on the internet to look at without the need to create profiles on swingers sites)
you know he is lying to you. i know you are hoping that we will give you comforting answers that back up what your man says and prove he is being honest with you, but we can't. please don't stay with him or you will spend the rest of your life spying on him and worrying about what he is getting up to. he has destroyed the trust. you have done nothing wrong. you deserve better
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2015): He's taking you for a fool and acting like a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar but still denying it.I can only conclude that he's either too immature to own up to what he's done. Or he doesn't respect you. It's insulting for him to deny what you both know is there. You can't have a rational conversation with someonelike that without driving yourself crazy. You've already created a second account to PROVE something you BOTH KNOW is there. That is ridiculous.What he did was obviously bad. But the way he is handling things now is the final nail on this coffin. Not only can you not trust him, but he is not repentant nor respectful. You know what they say about fooling me once, shame on you, fool me twice ....It is scary to think that way but this is where your paths fo their separate ways. You'd be extremely unwise to stay.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2015): Sorry to hear about your situation but you need to stop making excuses for him. He did not make those accounts to see explicit pictures as there is literally pictures like that plastered all over the Internet , both professional and amateur that require no sign up at all! He was on there purely to meet people for sex and there is not one legitimate EXCUSE he can giveNow the fact you want the relationship means you know the facts. He joined wedsitea to meet swingers for sex. Now what you do with that fact is up to you . You either accept that's his thing and that he will continue to lie or you moce I. To a future with a man who wI'll be satisfied with you alone .The choice is yours but my best advise is whichever way you go, do so with honesty . Not making excuses for him or ignoring the truth . Good luck .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 July 2015):
 I have to agree with WiseOwlE (as usual)
I do think when people CAN work things out it's great, but there are also times were WE ( I have done this myself) stay with someone whom WE KNOW for a fact, isn't who WE though he/she was.
He is NOT going to give this up. HE will be smarter about it in the future. BUT your guy takes absolutely no responsibility for his actions and for the repercussions OF these actions within the relationship. NO, instead he MOCKS you. Because he KNOWS you will stay.. You will suck it up. And when you find he has done it again, he will ignore your concerns, lie and STICK to his "story" no matter how little it adds up.
He would't have to be on swinger sites to get explicit photos, the internet is choke-full of porn from vanilla soft core, home-made, to "whatever may tickle your fancy" kind of porn - so his EXCUSE that he using the swinger site for masturbatory aids? IS bull crap.
He is ON those sites to MEET other people looking for sex. Now... he MAY not have met up with any, he may simply not have had the "nuts" to do it... YET. I do think at some point in time.. He will. And then he will BLAME you for it. You "made" him do it... or "he did it because you accused him of it already so he might as well..." Again BULL CRAP!
HE is taking you 100% for granted. YOU will stay. Because you have already invested 5.5 years.. He knows you.
You can try every trick in the book to try and make him jump through hoops - but you CAN NOT change who he is and what he wants. If he can't even OWN his actions.
So you have to decide if you WANT to be with a guy who is looking OUTSIDE of the relationship for sex. And who ISN'T feeling a lot of respect for you OR the relationship.
Is this the guy you want to have kids with? Marry?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2015): I'm so sorrow. You built your feelings on who you thought he was, but not who he is.
He wanted to keep you too; but he can't share a side of himself that he knows you wouldn't (and couldn't) approve of. He is deceitful and a liar. He may not be an all-around bad guy; but he put on a facade in order to maintain a fake relationship with you. Love built on deceit and lies is not love. It's denial and trickery.
He hid this from you all this time. I'm not an advocate for invading on another person's privacy; but considering the outcome, it was best you know who you're dealing with.
People with alternative sexual-appetites or weird fetishes shouldn't hide things from the people who trust and commit to them.
Bear in mind...what he can't share with you, he's sharing with someone else of his own nature and persuasion.
The problem with people like that is; they will even marry an unsuspecting innocent trusting person, and continue what they're doing in secret. As he has all this time.
He wants you, to maintain his self-worth; and to still appreciate the benefits of being loved and cared for. He doesn't want to be judged; nor to give-up what he likes.
He want his dirty cake, and to eat it too!
"I said that I would forgive him as long as I never saw that the account had been active again as it shows you when it has been online to which he arrogantly replied 'well it's not me so I can't help if the account is active'."
A person who sticks to their lie is not trustworthy; and you will never forgive him nor trust him anyway. That's where you're bring deceitful. You're trying to smooth it over; so you can go bury you head in the sand, and pretend all is well. Face the facts, my dear. Unless you're a fool, you all the dirty details. He refuses to confess. That's the worst kind of liar. Forgiveness cannot be granted on a lie. You just give-up, and move on.
Please don't continue to subject yourself to this. Far too often, females lie to themselves; and try to tolerate the icky-side of their man's sexual habits. It always fails, unless she too becomes a part of the lewd ickiness.
If it's not in you, don't pretend and put yourself through hell to keep a man. That is not only stupidity, but it's pathetic. I'm not going to pull any punches about it. You want the guy you thought he was; not who he really is, sweetheart.
He lied to you twice, and it is certain he has fulfilled his urges. If he hasn't, do you want be around still loving him when you find out when he does, and with whom?
Do what's best for you; but never-ever-never sacrifice your own values and feelings to keep a man. I repeat...never!!!
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