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female
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anonymous
writes: i hope someone can give me so good honest advice on this, esp men!im 25, engaged and my partner is 28. ive slept with about 35 men and hes slept with aboue 20 women. i decided not to tell him my real amount as i thought there are some things a partner is better off not knowing, esp when ive slept with more than him.we have a very active sex life. but he shocked me the other day by what he said after we had sex. we were having sex and he lost his erection, which has happened before, but once in a blue moon, which honestly didnt bother me as i love him for him, not because of the sex, anyway, he got really cut up and started saying, that i had an unheathy high sex drive, which he cant keep up with. we have sex about once a day, granted more on some and none on others, depending how we feel. ive never said no to sex when hes horny, but felt upset when he basically said that he goes along with it when im horny, because he wants to please me, not because he wants me sexually.im very open about sex, and i think he feels insecure about that. he was cheated on before, but he says thats not the issue. i introduced him to porn, which he only watches with me to please me, he said if he had a choice hed rather watch football. i also have a lot of toys, and one night he suggested i use one and got really jealos when i did! he said that he dosnt know if he will always be able to satisfy me 100% and he believes hes not now. granted hes not the best, but because i love him so so much, the love making we do to me is mind blowing and i can honestly say i never want another man. i havnt told him hes not the best as i thinik thats something he dosnt need to know. but ive told him over and over again how amazing he is, one day hes all full of himself by saying, yes i know i am, then the next hes all insecure, GUYS WHAT CAN I DO???
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male
reader, arjm +, writes (23 January 2006):
see i too had sex with more than 13 girls and 2 men i said to wife i dont no sex i feel each and every human have beauty when have sex it make us some thing greatu have sex with hubee but dont tell the past
A
male
reader, Mr.Ed +, writes (19 January 2006):
 Wow, what a question! Let's see where to begin. On one hand I agree with you about not telling him your number; but on the other you did actually lie. The number that my fiacee' told me in the beggining was not the real number and she hit strike one coming out of the box. When she finally fessed up I looked at her and said "If you ever lie again, it's over" Why? because men and women don't need to lie about their past; a partner has the right to accept it or not. What if he came and told you he lied and was secretly a male prostitute for a couple of years? Now you'd be pissed. But undeniably, all the reasons you fell in love with him are still there except: honesty. I told my finacee' from the word go all of the things she wanted to know "Just ask", I was honest, forthright, tactful and receptive to her need to know. I also didn't want to ever be caught in a lie. I told her she wasn't the best but was very good; at that time it was true. However, I did use a very subtle and tactful approach, as this WILL hurt someones emotional status. Now, several months later her motivation has been fueled by her rage to perform or conquer her inability to be the best. Did I ask her to be the best, NO! did I want her to be the best, YES! Nowdays; hands down she is, but because she wanted to be. So I have total empathy as far as our lovemaking being mindblowing because I respect her efforts and I love her.
We tend to make love 3-5 times a day and are extremely active. Why? Because we BOTH want it to be what the other wants. If he tells you once a day is overactive then I'd question what he really considers active. Alot of what get's me in the mood is her holding my hand, kissing my neck, hugging like she means it, or a really warm kiss. You know these little signs tell me that were partners. Then she or I asks what the other would like. Usually, something to do with a message is incorporated; that is my anxiety/stress relief. For her it's a pre-cursor to foreplay. I know it's different for everyone, so please ask him what he would like or if there is anything you could do for him. Whenever she cooks me something, (which is like 3 times a week) I find her extremely attractive. When she dresses up, I can't resist her beauty. So I guess what I'm really saying is that there are many, many things you CAN do to help him. I can honestly tell you when she says "just do me" I've lost my erection each time. Thank GOD she hasn't said it for a long time.
Speaking of your toys; if any ONE toy is better or bigger than him, that's an INSTANT turn off period. Unless the guy is really weird. I find that I like the toys if I get to use them in conjunction with my actions. I find it a bit absurd that a peice of plastic or rubber (or whatever) can give her more pleasure than I could. Even though it is probably true to a degree. I feel like I'm in competition with rubbermaid. I will say this though; one night we made a date to go to pricillas and each of us secretly bought something to use on the other. This I found very exciting as I got to pick and choose what I thought she wanted and she got to pick what she thought I wanted. I'm not saying it'll work but remember that being in the mood comes from your senses. SMELL's (vanilla, doughnuts, perfume) TASTE, SIGHT/VISUAL (which is 50%) and HEARING. Whenever she say's something sexy I get aroused. If she mentions the bills I get turned off. Just for you ego centrics out there; if you really need to; just make a game and find the ONE thing that instantly turns your partner on. Hint: it's not the television. Example: one day while at the computer she kissed the back part of my neck in this tiny little spot, I thought I was going to explode on impact. I've been around awhile and I didn't know that place existed. Good luck to you and I think he'll come around if you pace yourself and him.
Sincerely
Ed
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (17 January 2006):
 I would be interested to know what happened when he lost his erection before. Did he react like this or did he brush it aside? If he reacted the same then its possibly temporary, if he reacted differently then you need to get to the bottom of what has changed this time.
It is possible the cheating has nothing to do with it, it depends on the reason that he was told by the person for cheating. If it was to do with sex then it may be indeed something to do with it. Losing his erection may well have been a catylyst for his anxiety started by this incident.
It seems to me that he was just maybe groping around for a reason why when he said you had a high sex drive. Men can be a tad selfish when it comes to this question because obviously they don't want it to be a problem with themselves for reasons of pride. It may be that he finds your confidence a tad intimidating but you can't help who you are.
Do you touch allot in a non-sexual way? Touching him in this way, without expecing it to lead to sex, may be one way to build his confidence up. Not only does it reassure him but it takes the pressure off the act of sex as the expression of your feelings. It is another way of expressing your feelings for each other which doesn't need 'performance'. Mix it up. Hopefully this will build him up and help him overcome his insecurities.
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