A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so I met this guy back in June ( he was a friend of a very good friend of mine) and we seemed to really hit it off. Well we got caught up in the moment and we had THE BEST SEX. And afterwards we chilled and talked til early in the morning. He got my number, blah, blah, blah. I didn't think it would turn into anything. I went home the next day and he stayed there (we live 1 hour and a 1/2 away from each other). But we started talking and it started to turn into something. We used to talk on the phone every night. Still do, its not as long or intimate as it used to be. He hasn't come to see me, not once. I don't have a car but if I did I would have gone and seen him. But he keeps telling me he will come and see me and all of this absolute horse shit that I don't believe anymore. I wish I did. But he has blown me off many times and constantly tried to change the subject when I'm trying to ask him about it. Or he hangs up the phone and pretends that it was his phone being stupid or his phone died. He also tells me he loves me. Constantly. And at first it was a friendly I love youyou. And then he finally told me that he is falling in love with me. And he says that he told his mom that he's falling.in love with me. But the thing about that is I'm not his girlfriend. He told me that he was getting teased about.having a girlfriend and said that he set them straight that he doesn't have a girlfriend. So I'm not his girlfriend but he's in love with me?! He also does this confession thing, where he tells me about these girls hitting on him, and they try to kiss him or come on to him but reassures me that nothing happened and I should feel lucky that he loves me enough to turn down that chick. He confuses the hell out of me. He makes me so angry. And I care about him. But I don't know what he wants. He isn't getting sex from me, and I hope he isn't getting it from someone else, so it isn't that. He obviously doesn't want relationship with me, because.he is so reluctant to take the next step. Please. Please help me see what I am missing.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 October 2014):
 He's only telling you what you want to hear but not the real truth. If he can't open up to you then you are not real friends. Maybe he likes the feeling of being able to help you out and listen to you, being your hero.
Is it possible you are unwilling to let go unless you break this mystery and to make sure it is not about you personally? At the end no one wants to feel used. As you said you are not a patient person so when your patience runs out then it's time he would just fade in the background. If I had to guess what the issue is then these are things that come up to mind: racial, religion, paranoia. Don't listen to what he says. See his actions. If he cares so much about what people think, and the teasing then his love for you can't be so deep. To be honest I don't think you love him either. You just don't like the feeling that he's not willing to come to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2014): I'm sending this advice not only to you, but to all readers. Stop using the word "love" so casually; and believing just anyone who says it. Unless they demonstrate it through their actions, it's all talk!!!
I'm not talking to insecure people, who you can go to the moon and back to prove it, and they never believe it. I'm talking about people who go gaga just because some knucklehead uttered the word!
If he loves you, why is he saying stupid crap to upset you?
Why can't he find the means to get to you? All he wants you for is sex. He keeps you on-hold, by telling you what you want to hear. He knows you'll get so desperate you'll find a way to get to him, and by the time you do; you are more than willing to give it to him.
You have the classic "player" on your hands. Any person who really "loves" you would find the way to spend as much time with you as possible. I mean in-person, not through devices and a bunch of bullsh*t messages.
You've obviously reviewed all this emotionally. Now it's time to take a logical analysis of this situation.
Maybe he just loves you in the "friend-zone." Technically, he is being careful not to tell you he is "in-love." He dangles the carrot by saying he's "falling." That might take another six months to congeal or solidify. He still wants sex to be available on demand.
How about no more sex until you're his girlfriend?
What keeps it up in the air, is sex came very early on; so he's got a lot of room to play with. Keeping you hopeful that someday he will grant you the official title.
You're a nice girl he had sex with; that he loves to chat with now and then. You're a girl, and a friend he likes to have sex with. Not a "girlfriend" where the two words are connected to make one word. Which changes your status romantically as a couple; and defines it as an exclusive commitment. A "relationship." Which is bug-killer for players.
Only your lady-friends and gay-male friends may use the term "girlfriend" in another context. Then girlfriend has another meaning.
How can someone be "in-love" with you and not commit to you?
He's leaving his options open; so he can still play the field. Are you confused, my dear? Or desperate? I know you're smart, because you decided to seek some opinion.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here
I guess I forgot to mention that he does have a couple of cars. And has told me numerous times that he is going to come and see me. And I have told him that I understand it's a long ways away and I'm not asking him to come down every weekend. Just once a month would be great. To even see him at all would make me happy.
And the issue of sex he is the last person I slept with, and I am the last person he slept with. And it's not about the sex. Yes it was good but I'd rather have him. And we decided to wait until we have been together for a while before we sleep together again.
I try really hard to talk to him about all of these things and he is so reluctant to open up and talk to me. It has been 4 months and I am not a patient person. I have waited and waited for him. I just don't know what I should do next. I don't want to break it off, because I still want him in my life. And if I tell him that we should just stay friends for now I'm afraid he will quit talking to me. I know it sounds pathetic, but even though we wasn't there in person, he did help me through a lot of hard things going on in my life
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (5 October 2014):
The biggest problem here is that neither of you have a car. When you can't see each other you don't have a relationship. Maybe that's also why he will be teased. It's like, "yes so what you had sex but what next? What do you have to offer her?" You can be assured it's not about you so don't take it personally. I doubt he just wants to use you and moved on. With all the things he said to you he sounded too innocent and fresh to be a player.
Clarify with him if transportation is the issue. Maybe his mom shrugged and said, "so you are falling in love? Does that mean I have to drive 3 hours each time you have a date?"
Or, just save the embarrassment because I think the distance is the problem here.
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