A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:ive come accross something that i dont understand, maybe someone who is good and understands phsycology might be able to put some undertsanding to this type of beahviour. Will try and be as brief as i can, im left completley confused so here it is:Ive been in a relationship with someone for nearly a year now, im the type of person that struggles to be open regarding feelings and im not as affectionate as people would like me to be in relationships. Anyway i know this has been something that my boyfriend would like to be different about me, as i think throughout the whole of the relationship so far, he has had in his mind that im not really into him and i feel he is just ok kind of thing, because this is the impression i have probably given, and i understand this.Anyway, he had recently started to be secretive with his phone, this is what has come to light, i wont go into detail how i found out etc, but, he has a son who is 24 years of age and his sons girlfriend who is 21 they are having relationship trouble, and his son has been cheating on her, she knows this and is devasted but still wants to stay with him. my boyfriend is 48 years of age and he has been texting his sons girlfirend, taking advantage of her vunerabilty and telling her all the things that she would want to hear whilst she is in this devasted state. Apparently they shared a kiss together also on one occasion. Now these text messages have been goin on for a few months between the 2 of them apparently on and off when she was upset when she would contact him wanting to talk. Then him telling her things she wants to hear, telling her how beautiful she is etc, and also trying to make her believe that he has strong feelings for her, by even telling her that hes fallen for her, when there is no truth in this and he hadnt. This is all so wrong. His son does not know. He says he is discusted in his own behaviour and feels sick to the stomache with his actions. he said he never expected anything to go any wherevwith it and that was nothing to do with it, and didnt want it to go anywhere. I asked him why and how could he do soemthing so wrong. This is his answer, he says he feels that he has different sub characters within himslef. and he feels he plays certain parts in life, he says he doesnt feel as though that was him when he was doing this, and this is another being. I know this sounds like an excuse but i know this is really what he thinks and means. Cause of odd things he has said here an there. he said he felt as though he was looking at it as though he was a part in a story. It sounds crazy i know. He says it scares himself. This is all so wrong. He says most of the time he is normal or what we call normal he will say, but this other sub character will come out from time to time. I just cant get my head around any of this, what does this all mean? The thing is though, hes not a horrible person and he is a caring person and to know that he has done this, it just doesnt sit right in my mind. Its as though he liked that she was vunerable, and why would he be trying to make someone fall for him by telling her all the things that she wanted to here, shes 21, he is 48!He has said that he does feel unloved by me and times as i never tell him how i feel, and he liked all the things that she was saying to him, but he says he will not use that as an excuse, because he probably would have still done that regarldess of anything i have done. He admits and says he knows that there is something wrong with him. I mean its even worse isnt it, hes his sons girlfriend. What does all this mean? I think im dealing with someone here with mental issues ? Opinions would be very much appreciated.Thanks
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female
reader, KC12  +, writes (16 October 2013):
 I have majored in both psychology and criminal justice. Very few people who claim to have D.I.D (dissociative identity disorder) or split personalities actually DO have that problem. You see it mostly from people who are trying to plead insanity in a murder case, or other major crimes. Those few who do LEGITIMATELY suffer from that disorder are usually diagnosed in their childhood or adolescent years, NOT when they are 48 in some "all of the sudden" fashion. It sounds to me like he wants to pull the wool over your eyes. Yes, he does have mental issues--but DID/Split-personality syndrome is NOT one of them. That being said, this all sounds like a horrible family situation that you need to get away from. I would advise you to break up with him, and cease contact with him, the son, and GF.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2013): If he isn't lying about how powerless he was to stop doing this then you bet he has major mental illness and needs psychiatric help because his mental illness is now ruining people's lives.Maybe he is doing it on purpose though and isn't truly disgusted at his own behavior and is instead manipulating you by saying things you would rather hear.I am inclined to think it is the latter. After a he didn't come to you with this "problem" he had where he was supposedly watching himself like an outer body experience and unable to stop himself carrying out certain actions. Instead you found out on your own, meaning he hid it from you. Well it is a given that people who lie and cheat on their significant others do have mental and emotional issues since they all know it is wrong that's why they hide it from you. That isn't the same thing as a psychiatric disorder though, which is what he claims he has as the reason for his behavior.Tell him you are very concerned that he has this mental illness and you want to go with him to the psychiatrist to get a diagnosis and help. If he refuses to see a psychiatrist cos he knows he is faking mental illness then that is a sure sign you should end things with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2013): "He has said that he does feel unloved by me and times as i never tell him how i feel, and he liked all the things that she was saying to him," some men try to blame their partners for their cheating ways, just leave him, seriously he has no morals you're better off without him
" he says he feels that he has different sub characters within himslef." I'm always very skeptical with people who claim to have personality disorders again it's easier to blame someone else, I very much doubt he has mental issues, he probably just wants to be with a 21 yr old to stroke his ego, he sound very manipulative and a douche-bag, do yourself a favor and dump him.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 October 2013):
 Damn!!! Your "boyfriend" could WRITE some of the reference books that I occasionally cite on this website....
Especially, I think he would be a good author for the one titled "The guys' boor of How to make vague, sensible-sounding statements and arguments about falling for your son's girlfriend.... when, in fact, you are acting like a RAT, and there's some evidence that your regular G/F is on to you... but your SON thinks that you have, still, a smidgen of self-respect left... so that he needn't worry that you are hitting on HIS girlfriend...."
I look forward to reading it, so's I can get some new ideas...!!!
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 October 2013):
 You've gotta get out of this, and fast.
Your boyfriend is cheating on you.
His son's girlfriend is cheating on his son with your boyfriend.
His son is cheating on his girlfriend, who is cheating with your boyfriend, who is cheating on you.
Stuff like this tears people to shreds. You have this one chance to get out, mourn the loss of the relationship, and extricate yourself from the burning ship of dysfunction.
If you do not get out of this relationship based on the evidence you've seen and the explanation your boyfriend gave you that blames the way you are, then I'm afraid they aren't the only ones who have mental issues. Only someone with mental issues would allow themselves to be exposed to this dysfunction.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 October 2013):
I don't think a lot of psychologists hang out here. But, either way, you two are obviously not a match. I believe he sought out this little relationship because of the neglect he perceives in your own relationship. Maybe he feels like this isn't something he'd normally do and thus he made up this story, but I'm sure it's just a way to explain himself rather than a proper diagnosis.
You should probably try and find someone who doesn't expect much intimacy or this will continue to happen. Either that or start doing the difficult thing and open up to him.
I had a girlfriend who I REALLY liked, who was similar to you. I felt love from her, but she could never say it. She would retreat and I selfishly thought it was about me when she really had personal problems. Instead of being there for her or helping her to work things out I would cheat on her to give myself a self esteem boost. I know now the right thing to do would to separate because we weren't compatible.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 October 2013):
 Let's pretend for a second that he actually has a sub character over which he has no control. This is a mental disorder and he needs to be in therapy AND the people around him need to be warned that he is not safe to trust, that he has an alter-ego which is free of conscience or ethics, a sociopathic alter-ego, in fact. The people around him need to be warned and told to deal with him carefully until he's been treated and cleared by a psychiatrist. THAT'S the logical path assuming he's this disordered. Let's see how THAT goes over with him.
I think it's more likely he got caught and made up a fancy story to absolve himself from blame or guilt.
Run, run, run FAR FAR away! (But show the girl this post before you vanish. She deserves not to be manipulated by a sociopathic liar or a manipulative cheat, either way.)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2013): She is prey for him and he is going in for the pounce because of her vulnerable situation.
His line about his actions having a "sub-character" is a bullsh*t excuse to cover for what he is doing to this young girl.
He is a sleazy slimeball and I would kick this guy to the curb as quickly as possible.
I would warn this girl to back away from this dirtbag and also the cheating boyfriend.
The both of you need to get away from the both of them!
They are users of women.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2013): It doesn't take a psychologist to tell you the man is manipulative and he thinks you're completely gullible.Yes, "the devil made him do it!" People have actually plead this excuse as a defense in court. It isn't his psychological health I'm concerned about. It's yours. How low is your self-esteem that you would witness this behavior and not remove yourself? What issues bind you that won't allow you to be openly affectionate toward someone you would commit to as a romantic partner?If you're in-love, how come you're unable to express it?How crazy does someone have to talk and behave before you think they're crazy?I believe you cling to this piece of dogsh*t out of desperation. You feel grateful that he has shown you any attention at all, in spite of the issues you feel you have with expressing your feelings. From your post I'm getting the impression that you're rationalizing his behavior and you're in denial. You don't want to face the truth staring you in the eyes.Let's break it down. I will not condescend to you as he does. You're an intelligent woman, but you want to be understanding; and you're also suspicious of his bullsh*t.It is a pile of manure, and that's why it all stinks.The reality is, he is obviously coming on to his son's girlfriend. He is doing it in your face. She is past vulnerable at this point. She is being receptive and submissive to his advances. She wants to have sex with your boyfriend; and most likely she has by now. What makes you so absolutely sure that he won't, and they haven't? You are in denial of the fact the man is playing you for a fool.You won't see the for forest for the trees.You're not a fool. You see through him and that is what made you write this post. He has convinced you that you're not too smart. Not to believe what you see. He has probably done this for a long time, and in very subtle ways. He is a well-practiced manipulator. He makes you blame yourself. Now he's becoming blatant with insulting your intelligence. You are trying to look the other way in order not to accept the strong possibility that it may be time to kick this asshole to the curb.He has used all sorts of fake psycho-babble and emotional manipulations to confuse you. He's like a carnival con-man playing cheap card-tricks and slight of hand for a grinning and amazed child. Cut the crap, and stop pretending to be duped by this man. Call it just as you see it. You know this guy is full of it. Open your eyes and see him for what he is. He's a charlatan. He's a total fake. Why are you going by his self-diagnosis? Why doesn't he get professional help? Don't you see how bazaar this all is?Why does he think he can offer psychological and emotional support to someone else; when he's sick himself? At best, his son's "so-called" vulnerable(horny) girlfriend is the victim of a possible psychotic predator. If you go by what he says he is, and why he's doing it. You only want to believe him; because you feel guilty for not opening up your feelings, and you're an emotionally guarded person. You don't feel it would be easy to find anyone else; so neediness makes you accept any excuse he conjures up, in order to keep him in your life.If he is bi-polar with multiple-personality disorder; let him seek psychiatric help, as he shows himself (and his alter-ego) the door. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde need to go find themselves a new home.You need to seek professional counseling so you can undo the work he's done on you, and deal with your inability to express affection and opening up your feelings to a romantic partner. Now it's time to take care of yourself.Guys like this one may have made you afraid to show your feelings.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 October 2013):
You don't need a psychologist. You need someone who will knock some sense into you and WAKE YOU UP to how disgusting and skeevy your boyfriend is!
He betrays his own SON by messing with his girlfriend!
He blames that horrible quasi-incestuous behavior oh YOU!
He comes up with the most bullshit story in the history of DearCupid (well, since I've been on here) about sub-characters.
Get the hell out of this relationship, and DO IT NOW! This guy is batshit insane, cheating, gross, no morals, hurting his son, scary, and NOT FOR YOU.
So the hell what if you're not as "demonstrative" as he wants?! You are you, and your personality doesn't excuse anyone from this sort of behavior, which would be reprehensible if he were SINGLE!
Don't accept the "please be my caretaker" maneuver he's trying to guilt you into. See through his crap and get out of there fast!
(sorry to the mods for a couple extra profanities. I feel like I need a shower now after reading this).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2013): Sounds like a crock to me.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 October 2013):
 I think it's a piss poor excuse for his behavior. It is much easier to say a "sub character" made me do it then own up and be a man about it.
He knows what he did was wrong and slimy, but did that stop him, no. He did it because he wanted to. And if you believe his psycho-drivel you are enabling his delusions that it's OK because " the little devil on his shoulder" made him do it.
He may not be right in the head, but I think chances are he is finding it easier the deal with his actions if he makes up some insane story to go with it.
And it makes me wonder what else he is capable of.
*shudder*
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (15 October 2013):
 I am not a psychologist so I don't know how helpful this is but I'll try. I've heard that some people are good at "compartmentalising" parts of their lives and that's what makes them able to cheat and deceive people, lead double lives, with little effect/no on their conscience. They can be lovely and caring to both their wife and mistress, or to their girlfriend and their son's girlfriend, even though it's totally wrong.
To me, it's not an excuse. Someone behaving like a sleazy old slimeball to a vulnerable young woman is never excusable. Betraying his son is never excusable. Betraying you is also very wrong and I wonder why you haven't dumped him?
Honestly OP, none of this is because you aren't open enough with your feelings. Just because you feel flawed in that area, it doesn't mean you have to put up with this unacceptable behaviour! As he said himself, he would have done what he did regardless.
If I were you, I'd walk away from this man. I don't know if he has mental health issues or he's making excuses, but he certainly has issues of some sort and you deserve better! I feel so sorry for the 21 year old girl ...
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (15 October 2013):
 I'm not a psychologist, nor am I qualified, but I think he's playing the both of you. He sounds like a predator and a master manipulator. Both you and this young woman are his prey. I think he is attracted to women with self esteem issues and thinks of himself as some kind of "saviour". It's really to feed his ego or his inflated sense of self.
I may be totally off with my opinion, but I do know this for sure. You need to leave this situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2013): I don't think he's got mental health issues. Not serious ones anyway. I think he's trying to excuse awful behaviour which he can't understand himself. Sure we all have different aspects to our personality, many of which can be unpleasant and we keep them under wraps but it's a choice if let that part show or act on those feelings.It sounds like he's trying to say that he has different personalities in himself which alter his behaviours and values. I wonder if he's hinting at dissociative personality disorder which it certainly doesn't sound like. People who dissociate actually take on another personality and believe they are that person. The host (the real person) generally has no memory of what their alter-ego has been up to. Episodes also happen spontaneously or are triggered by particular stressors so the sufferer has no control of when this might happen.Personally, I think it's an elaborate excuse but tell him to see his GP if he really feels he has mental health issues and they can refer him for assessment.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2013): I'm a mental Heath nurse and you do not have a relationship with someone is 'mental incapacited' . You are however in a relationship with a 'chancer' by that I mean someone who will drop their significant other, when they see something more valuable .. I'm sorry to say he does not ' love you' as if he did he would offer his son and his girlfriend support .. He would not take advantage and ' play" this to his advantage ' ie getting into the girls bed' as let's be honest sweetie, that's where he's heading .. Would he have come clean if you hadn't discovered the texts ??If I were you .. I would cut all ties from mr I don't know what I want ?? And I would tell him he should be disgusted at his behaviour, he uses this other facade of another personae to take the rap for his behavior ..I mean if it smell like poo. It's poo.. And I'm sorry but this reaks . What his son did to his girlfriend was low.. What your boyfriend is doing to you and his son, is even lower .. Move on .. If me I would text the young girl and tell her to take a break as well this is becoming one large mess .
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