A
female
age
36-40,
*ecca_767
writes:me and my ex partner got back together five months ago, after seperating two years before when our son was born. the relationship endend badly last time as he cheated on me time and time again and as much as i wanted to be with him i couldnt take it anymore. when we got back together he seemed like a different person altogether and i soon enough fell in love with him again, there was always doubt in my mind although i tried my hardest to forget the past. hes used a previous girlfriend for a place to live and i feared if he didnt cheat maybe he didnt really want to be here anyway. i soon fell pregnant and we decided to be a family again and was very happy, balancing time together and time apart. he showed me lots of affection which hed never done before and always told me how much he cared and whenever i was in doubt hed reasure me it was jus me and him. his ex that hed been with in the two years wed split was constantly trying to contact him and i jus put it down to her being jelous, hed shown me msgs shed sent asking why he wasnt with her but with me, and hed replied and shown me that he didnt want her but wanted me and his family. this weekend just gone the same girl had told me hed spent the night with her and me and him had a huge row, and he packed his stuff and left, i was heartbroken and after a few days wev decided to give it another go although hes refusing to come home and says he needs his space. i feel asthough in a relationship your supposed to take steps forward not back. we have seen eachother twice in the last seven days and its really hard for me to cope with. he tells me the one condition hell come home for is if i kick out my brother and his girlfriend who have been sleeping on my sofa for the last three months. i admit that they have been a huge strain on us but cant bare to see my brother homeless. please help me i cant bare to split up with him and want him to see what hes gonna loose he already has two other children from previous relationships and is 26years old
View related questions:
cheated on me, fell in love, got back together, heartbroken, my ex, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (29 April 2010):
 If your boyfriend wanted to make it work he would have not left over an argument and the argument was base on his unfaithfulness from the past which means its still a topic now in the present and unless truly forgiven part of the future. My point is he should not be putting ultimatums and conditions he is the one that left his house and his family.
I have not said you should keep your brother there or you should kick him out, I said that this should be your call. I don't feel that your boyfriend has a right to demand, that this should be your decision.
A family oriented guy would have not walked out and left his home over an argument. I would not put him on a pedestal as a change man who is trying to make his relationship work. The past well reflects on the future and until the OP can truly forgive him and trust him the topic of unfaithfulness its still a burning scorn in her mind and heart. If not than this argument would have never happened.
A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (29 April 2010):
 "Excuse me, I though the logical thing here is innocent until prooven guilty, not guilty until prooven innocent."
Only works in a court of law, baby. In real life, past behavior is a predictor of future behavior. Maybe the OP is overreacting, but she doesn't trust him. Clearly they haven't totally moved past what happened two years ago and she probably shouldn't have gotten back with him if she can't trust him. But she did.
I stand by my point: the brother and his girlfriend are an issue, but the fact that there is no trust in the relationship is the major point of contention. The brother could move out and they will still have the same problems if they don't resolve this cheating issue and decide to put the past in the past. As far as the boyfriend, you don't reassure someone of your fidelity by moving out. Doing so makes him look guilty as hell, even if he isn't.
To the OP: Give your brother and his girlfriend 3 weeks to get out on their own. Your brother has a place to live and his girlfriend can move back with her parents if she needs to. If she refuses to go home and your brother decides to be homeless with her, that's on them. In the meantime, keep the lines of communication open and use this time to really work with your boyfriend on the trust issues in your relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 April 2010):
 Raiders, no mean to pick a fight, but I have to point out the elephant in the room here that seems to go unnoticed. You wrote that "he is the one that messed up and in my eyes he has no right to demand". I must ask: exactly WHAT has he messed up? He cheated two years ago and they have since moved on, she has forgiven and taken this man back in her life. And he has treated her right, as she said herself. Then this ex of his messages about him spending the night at her place. And now everyone is judging the boyfriend saying "oh my he is still cheating". Theres absolutely NO evidence of this.
And as Carrot2000 said: "Until he gives you reasonable proof that he did not cheat, you shouldn't be in a hurry to have him move back in". Excuse me, I though the logical thing here is innocent until prooven guilty, not guilty until prooven innocent. But hey thats just the way I'd go about it. If the OP wants to jump to conclutions and judge her boyfriend based off the past, then so be it. Then they weren't meant for each other after all since she can't trust him, or he can't be trusted.
Also, does the boyfriend not have a right to be upset after being falsely accused of cheating? Some people learn from their mistakes, apparently none in this post have experienced that. The cheating happened two years and some kids ago. I have faith in mans ability to mature. And I see how being falsely accused of cheating when you are not can drive a man to leave and need his space.
The OP is innocent in this you say. Well it takes two to have a fight. And OP, I do not say this to lash out at you, but do you see yourself as innocent as these people who are busy framing your boyfriend see you? Im just asking you to take an honest look at things.
Then we get to your brother. Whom your own mother kicked out (so for all those saying family is so much more important, how do you feel about that one?). Your mom is a smart person who got tired of being used, I say please give her a call and ask her her opinion. Im pretty sure she'll tell you that no matter what you choose to do with your boyfriend, your brother needs to go. Speaking of family: his girlftiend! She's not related to you, so why on earth are you feeding and sheltering her of all people? Give her the boot and demand that she pays for the food she's eaten and the electricity she's been using.
And to top it off, you know this is a strain on your relationship. You've been together for 5 months, and 3 out of 5 months your brother has been leaching on to you. Your boyfriend is giving you a reality call, it's time to open your eyes and see who really are on YOUR side here. And that isn't your brother and it certainly isn't your brothers bossy girlfriend!
If I was you and I hear my brothers girlfriend say something like that I'd kick her to the curb that very minute. These people are walking over you. The girlfriend has zero respect for you.
And back to Raider: "Please don't be a push over". I agree! Totally! The problem is she has been a push over for three months now...
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): im sorry. you are flat out getting the most horrible advise i have seen in a while.... Yes, your boyfriend cheat... 2 Years ago... every person on here has to get over that, because the issue at hand is the brother and girlfriend.the brother and girlfriend has been living there 3 months. yes i get blood is thicker than water and you want him to get back on his feet. but 3 months with you brother is one, but also his girlfriend? serious, im not trying to be mean but your brother and girlfriend is living off of you like lazy people on welfare. this stress is completely unfair on your boyfriend and your relationship. your man is showing you one of the highest and most serious signs of wanting you and a family. your man knows that your brother is causing intense about of stress and not keeping to his word. your brother said just some weeks. not some months.serious, your guy may have cheated and skrewed up in the past. but by him telling you that your brother has to leave is the smartest thing. and it shows how serious your man wants you and a family with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (29 April 2010):
Your boyfriend is changing the subject. The real issue is whether or not he cheated, but instead he's making your brother and his girlfriend the problem in your relationship. Until he gives you reasonable proof that he did not cheat, you shouldn't be in a hurry to have him move back in.
The fact that he moved out after an argument is a bad sign. Couples fight all the time. but a man who wanted to keep his family intact would not be so quick to leave.
...............................
A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (29 April 2010):
Becca if he wanted a relationship he would have been there living with you and your son. It sounds like he wants to dictate to you on how and when he moves in and as a couple it shouldn't work that way. You both need to compromise and come to an agreement and by giving you ultimatum is not the way, he is the one that messed up and in my eyes he has no right to demand. I'm not going to put your bother situation on blast because I feel he is the escape goat your boyfriend is using. I think that the problem is your boyfriend and I feel he should be the one paying for his mistakes and unfaithfulness, why do you have to accept his conditions, you did nothing to ruin this relationship. Don't cave because he will control you and feel that in a relationship it should be 50/50. Please don't be a push over, Best of Luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, becca_767 +, writes (28 April 2010):
becca_767 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthats exactly how im feeling i feel torn between the two! my brother and my partner. no theyve never had ther own place and she wont go back to living with her parents, my mum has always said he can come back but she cant support him and her!
they are both paying me £30 a week between them which is not enough but they cant manage much more.
they do actually give me help in the sense of housework and generally helping with my son when i was ill. and i do appreciate that but as an adult i moved from my mothers home to start my own family not to be caring for my brother and his girl.
ive not spoken to my brother about the ultimatum my partner has given me as i dont want him to feel bad and i am helping my brother to find a place but it seems his girlfriend is dictating to him and recently told my mum she doesnt want to move out of my house because if she does my brother will be out all the time seeing friends. she is problematic and bossy toward my brother but i do feel as though i cant kick him out!
im prepared to make every go of my relationship with my childrens father but im unsure on wether thats what he wants or not, he tells me he does but saying and doing are two very different things altogether.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (28 April 2010):
Im just saying... even your mother kicked him out. Your own mother. May we ask how old your brother and his girlfriend are and if they have jobs? Do they make money? And what do they do with this money? They've certainly never paid rent, thats for sure, and they dont seem interested in starting to pay for themselves either. Do they even pay for food?
I don't think it is fair to jump at her boyfriends throath saying he is demanding too much. Yes it is your brother and your house, so its your call. But your call is this: your boyfriend aka father of your children aka your family, or your brother and his girlfriend. Does your brother even value what you are willing to sacrifice for him? Does he even care? Anyone with logic would know that sleeping on the couch is a huge inconvenience for just about anyone, and especially with kids in the house and one on the way.
Im just saying. Even his own mother kicked him out. And you said you don't want to leave this guy. And you know, even if he cheated before in the past, you are willing to give him a second chance and make a go for this relationship, so I wont be telling you you shouldn't. Im saying it is a risky thing, but you are comfortable with the children he already has, you know this man well, you have kids with him, and you consider your house the "family home". I trust that by "family" here you mean your boyfriend and your children? Or do you mean your brother and his girlfriend?
And everyone is saying you need your brothers help? May I ask exactly how her brother is helping her any at all? I never heard of anyone who said they were so grateful someone decided to live on their couch for three months. The agreement was a few weeks and he and his girlfriend have taken good advantage of your hospitality. It's none of your boyfriends issue, but I see where he is coming from. I also see that if your boyfriend wants to live with you and build up the family again, he'd want the couch-crashers out.
Maybe you should ask your brother what plans he have for finding his own joint. If he has none you got your answer.
...............................
A
female
reader, becca_767 +, writes (28 April 2010):
becca_767 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you everybody for the helpful comments, a lot of mixed veiws. i just wish i knew what to do. i will never fall out with my family over him. i just wish i could make him see what i do for him and that being a family isnt at all bad!
...............................
A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (28 April 2010):
I don't think you can make someone move forward if they don't want too, you should not accept his conditions he messed up not you. Take time without him have a little pride and move forward on your own value yourself as a strong independent women. He has already put you through a lot and still has the nerves to put you an ultimatum, it just don't make no sense he should be kissing the ground you walk in for forgiving him. Always remember your going to need your brother's shoulder to cry when your boyfriend screws up again.
...............................
A
female
reader, becca_767 +, writes (28 April 2010):
becca_767 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you loreal but i really cant face breaking up with him it really is the last thing i want to do right now. i just want to wotk things thru!
...............................
A
female
reader, becca_767 +, writes (28 April 2010):
becca_767 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni no just what u mean although i dont think he is staying with her she accuse dhim of spending the night, maybe there is sum truth in it but she is also the type of girl to saythings just to split us up
...............................
A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (28 April 2010):
I feel very differently than Chigirl I think that the boyfriend is the one that screw up and should not be coming back putting conditions and ultimatums, I feel it should be your call not his. He is staying with his ex what can insure you he is not messing with her since he cheated with her in the past. Your brother situation is your call and you might feel like you want to help your family in time of need or that he has been smooching and he needs to go, but again that is your call and I don't think giving in to your boyfriends demand is the way.
...............................
A
female
reader, becca_767 +, writes (28 April 2010):
becca_767 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe reason they are homeless in the first place is because he was still living with my mum and his girlfriend was livivng there aswell, my mum couldnt handle it any more and said either his girlfriend goes and he stays or they both go! so i took them in although it was only supposed to be for a few weeks.
i am happy with the fact that he has children before me and accept them in to our home with open arms.
he does have his own place and that is my main problem the fact that he has left our family home for his own place.
i desperatley want him to come home but am scared that if he does well split again.
i was devestated and broken when we broke u[ for two days over the weekend and im really not ready to give up on our relationship yet!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): To be honest this guy sounds like bad news. I would weigh up the pros and cons and decide why it is you really want him
t
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): YOUr boyfirend is a dickhead, don't kick your brother and his girlfriend out. Literally, you need their help right now.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (28 April 2010):
If your brother has a girlfriend why can't he stay at her place? Or start taking rent. As for your boyfriend, where is he sleeping when he's not with you? You said he'd been with this other girl, so he doesn't really have a place for himself either? I suggest you ask him to get his own place and then you can move in there with him. Then he wont have to deal with your brother.
This sounds like a messy situation though. He already has two other children, and one with you, and about to become the father of a forth child. And he's still sleeping at his ex's place? Im not too sure, are you sure he will give you what you need? You need to see committment, and right now he is running away.
A third option is to invite him to live with you, maybe that will give your brother a kick in the bum. Three months on the couch and he invites his girlfriend to stay with him, it sounds like he might be taking advantage of you. Sorry to say so. But is he paying anything? Does your brother understand that he needs to start get a move on? You have a kid on the way and one already with this guy, it is obvious you two need some space alone!
I dont think you should feel guilty about kicking your brother out. He is an adult after all and not your responsibility. Of course you should help him, but you already have for three whole months. Maybe your boyfriend isn't asking too much of you. But make sure he understands that when you give some, he has to give some as well and step up to his committments.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): family first i'd day - help bro get back on his feet or if he is being a strain then try to find him somewhere else to live, obviously you don't want to kick him or but finding alternative accomodation wouldn't hurt. As for the boyfriend - i'd say don't rush and he's the one in the wrong seemingly, he shouldn't be the one making demands.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): First thing's first, go to the store and get some chocolate or something sweet to ease you mind. It'll never hurt. But are your parents involved or know anything about this? If you think you are ready to move on and you don't want him anymore, my idea is to kick him out. And can't he go sleep with his girlfriend in her house. Beucase apparently he's just wanting nothing but sex and it seems when he comes back to you he tells you it's alright and everything else and then he leaves you to sleep with the other women. and Secon of all, DON'T LET THIS GET TO YOUR HEAD TOO MUCH. it'll jsut kill you and eat you up. But I'm sorry to hear about this and if you take my advice, I hope it all works out and if you don't or it doesn't work out, I'm really sorry. But I'll hope it goes A-OKAy
...............................
A
female
reader, loreal +, writes (28 April 2010):
hello, i know it a horrible thing you are going through, but threw experience family will always be there and he has cheated on you more than once i say get shut time is a great healer!!!!
...............................
|
