A
female
age
41-50,
*atnip
writes:I have been in a relationship for a year now with my partner who i have known for 6 years as we worked together. We have a 5 week old baby boy. I have had lots anxiety and mental health issues most of my life but I have done a lot of work on myself and healing through therapy etc. I struggle sometimes with my emotions and self confidence etc.99% of the time my relationship is really good and we are very close. He is very easy going and helps with our little boy and shows me a lot of love. He had a very difficult marriage before me and spilt with her sometimes before we decided to give things ago. Anyway there are times and they don't happen that much when he can be very mean. He struggles with my emotional stuff which just involves me usually worried and feeling anxious and overwhelmed and being a bit teery. . I told him about this and said in those moments all I need is him to hug me and be comforting, I know he can't fix what's in my head. However he can't deal with it and looses his patience with me and can start being quite verbally abusive to me. he does have a temper. he can't just stick with it and be supportive. He just starts running me down. He once theaten to record me to show me how I behaved - all I'm a is a person who is distressed and is looking for comfort. I don't get angry or say horrible things to him. I was upset the other night as I was so tired and our boy was not settling and instead of being supportive and comforting I had to leave the room and he kept shouting we can still hear you crying, we can still hear you crying - I had to go and sit in the car. He just kicks me when I'm down. I am loosing my confidence even more. He knows what he is doing is wrong. It's such a sad situation because like I said we have a very good relationship but This side of him comes out when I need him the most and am vulnerable. I like many new mums find it over whelming and I am always patient with my new born baby. He knows he is being a bully to me and says he will try to be more patient , I'm not like his wife who was hard faced and argued that way where you abuse each and say personal hurtful things to each other. He is bringing his old shit into this relationship , he even told me to go and cut myself the other day. I beg him to be kind to me when I need him but he becomes like a robot. I feel really bad about myself. I know some men don't like woman crying but he is horrible to me. I am trying to work on myself again and my confidence. What can I do.
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male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (6 February 2016):
 Sorry to hear you are going through this.
You are in a tumultuous time right now. Adding a new born into what seems to be a troubled relationship only adds to the problems. I suspect more is to come.
You don't give us too many clues as to what you mean by him being a bully. If there is physical abuse -- of any sort -- you need to get out NOW. For your sake and your child's sake, that should be golden rule #1.
You also don't tell us any indicators of what sets him off. One of the things to do is try to prevent them in the first place. Sometimes men yell and put you down, also, when they don't feel like you are hearing them.
There are lots of things that you aren't telling us here and I suspect there is a lot more going on that's meets the eye.
I would encourage you to seek out some sort of counseling -- or at least a close friend -- to confide in to help you sort out your situation. These types of situations where a man can verbally assault you can quickly lead to violent or more frequent outbursts -- especially if he knows he can get away with it (and it works).
Also something to research, is why did he break up with his wife? What stories might she tell you? Something to look out for, as relationships often repeat themselves and you may be his next victim.
Eddie
A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (5 February 2016):
As a mental health nurse and a mother I can relate whole heartily .. sometimes you just want validation that he hears you at least .. Being a new mother and him a father after only one year is going to strain the relationship .. babies are hard work at times, esp at the beginning . As they are so helpless on top of that the baby may be feeling or sensing your angst .. do you have any relatives or friends near hand ?? Don't mean to pry sweetie just helps me get idea of maybe getting some extended support .Some men, can't cope with the extra emotional support that new mothers need ..though shouting at you that's needs to stop pronto .. I wish I could make you a cuppa and sit and chat .. sweetie .I think my advise would be to talk with your mum first and get her gauge on things .. speak with your man tell him if things don't change you and the baby will move out for a while .. Don't let anyone damage your confidence or disrespect you .. I think joint therapy may help .. sometimes babies happen we don't plan them and they can be a very big shock but they are here and therfore everyone needs to step up .. you are only 5 weeks post .. you need support someone telling you what a great mum or taking the baby out for a little bit .. when weather better that is ..You keep your chin up and I think a good chat with someone close and supportive and your health visitor if you feel the need
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2016): I agree with WiseOwlE.Kid comes first. Period. I think you both have serious issues; He probably fears being alone (getting too soon after a bad marriage into a serious relationship and fathering a kid) and was looking for someone who wouldn't leave (a person with a problem - you). On the other hand, you feel safer with someone like him who needs someone like you (hope you're getting my point).All of this would be cool, had it not been for the kid. What you're describing is so self-centered, kid sounds like a prop.Have you've been diagnosed with some kind of a personality disorder? Borderline? If so you need constant therapy and help! You can add a possible post-partum depression.You have to understand that you alone hold the key to your state of mind and emotions. DO not victimize yourself and project cause (possibly fault) on others. DOn't even think about "fault" just take responsibility. Act now before depressive episode takes over. You CAN do it.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 February 2016):
 You have been together only a year and already you have a baby together, off course this is going to be stressful and emotional, everything in this relationship is moving so quick.
Off course it is normal for any new mother to feel emotional, to need support, and well done for realizing that you do need support.
Now you are not getting support from your partner, in fact he is putting you down more, he is abusive and a bully. Yes he will apologize, yes he will tell you he will try and change, but he won't. He has his own issues from his marriage.
You are not getting the proper support that you need, which is not good if you already suffer from your mental health. It is also not good for your baby boy being brought up in this environment. Would you want him to grow up and talk to women the way daddy does?
Have you anyone else who will support you? Friends? Parents? Siblings?
I honestly think the next time he treats you like that you need to stand up for yourself, don't go away crying, don't ask him for comfort but instead tell him to get out and not come back. He needs to know that you will not accept being treated like this. He is a bully.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (5 February 2016):
With a 5 week old baby in the UK, you should still be under the midwifery services. Please tell the midwives who are managing your after-care how you are feeling. If the midwifery service has just finished (I think the cut-off point is usually about 6 weeks), then talk to your baby's health visitor about this.
There's not much that well-meaning but unqualified strangers can do to help you, except tell you that this abusive behaviour is unlikely to change with just discussion and that you should seriously consider leaving him.
So please talk to the people who can really help...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2016): I'm more concerned for the child. You have mental-health issues under treatment, yet brought a child into all this
drama. You should have had your act together before you decided to become a mother. So remove yourself from this relationship. Seek more intense counseling and therapy for the separation anxiety and depression you'll likely experience from the breakup. First and foremost, take care of that child! The child should be in a safe and protected environment.
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