A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This will be long, so bare with me....I am 32, my boyfriend 35. We have been together for almost 4 years and live together. I have two children, both with special needs, from a previous relationship; they are not home on weekends. Our relationship has been somewhat rocky for about a year. My SO gets stressed very easily and I am his first long time (or live in) relationship. We have gotten in about three fights (over the entire course of our relationship) where we have broken up, but we have always been back together by the next day.Things have been not so bad lately, no arguing or anything. The kids have had a rough time adjusting back to school, so they have been argumentative, but nothing between myself and my boyfriend. He is gone a lot working or playing golf; I also work full time.This past weekend, he was acting somewhat distant, but nothing too out of the ordinary. I felt something was "off" though, and after going out with friends Saturday night, I came home drunk and crawled into bed. Because I felt something was off, I mum led something about "I know you don't love me anymore". He replied, "I never said that" and I said "you don't have to". He did not reply.Sunday things were fine between us, but he was even more distant. Monday morning, I texted him-- "why are you mad at me? Do you want to split?" And he called me immediately.He said that he was done, that he didn't want to be together and that I was never what he was looking for. He owns the home we live in, and told me I needed to move out. I was stunned. Things weren't that bad between us, or so I thought.I tried to keep it together, but last night I lost it. I could not stop crying. He said he wasn't going to change his mind and I should just stop crying and move on. He said he never really loved me, among other things. This morning, I was still crying and he told me to stop, that he didn't love me and that wasn't going to change. He left and did not come home until tonight. And now is being civil, talking to me, whatever.I am absolutely crushed. I can't believe that he is willing to throw me away like a piece of trash after everything we've been through. I know he doesn't mean the awful things he said, that he is trying to hurt me so I will give up. I love him so much, I feel completely broken inside. I wrote him a long letter today explaining how I feel, and left or on the bed, but I don't think he read it. What is going on? I know he isn't cheating. I can't imagine my life without him. I can't stop crying and I can't sleep or eat. How can I get him to change his mind????
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male
reader, GentleGiant  +, writes (21 September 2013):
I do not know what the laws are where you live but after living with someone for more than a year it is just like being married. If he wants you to get lost tell him to piss off and that you want this house sold and you want half the money. And before you do that change all the locks on the doors and have locks installed on the windows of the house and then you call this idiot. You have been giving the milk for free to long and ya pay back is a bitch. Quickly grab a lawyer and have a restraining order filed against him so he cant sneak into your shared home and then throw you out. No sit back and let the lawyers fight it out. Just tell lover boy it sucks to be you. Good luck, this is unacceptable. Where did you meet this neanderthal?????
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2013): You can't change anyone's MIND and I don't believe love is found in the mind.I feel sorry that you must be hurting a lot and shell shocked at his cold words however,I would believe some of them and understand that you do not NEED to be with this man. You should put your energy into your children who do have special needs.I hate to see someone who does not KNOW that they have a strong enough spirit to overcome almost anything in this life,to crumble is not the answer to bribe, blackmail, beg for a relationship when it is clearly OVER is not going to heal you, but delay the inevitable or cause you to live a lie and also force him to live a lie. What type of life would this be for both of you, don't you 'want''deserve' to be with someone who truly loves and cares about you and your children? You obviously will be heartbroken, but you need to find that survival instinct for you and your kids, and accept and respect his feelings and RESPECT yours by moving onwards and upwards. The world has many opportunities for you in love and life, be brave and walk into the unknown and live in truth or fail and live a lie...That is what I call a wasted life for ALL concerned.I hope you wipe the tears away and look forward with anticipation to possible new love on the horizon. keep your self esteem in check here and be good to you, treat yourself (you must work hard with your children having special needs) please don't crumble ( blossom :) good luck!Wash that man right out of your hair (lyrics)You
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 September 2013):
 I didn't jump to any conclusions. You said this:
"We have gotten in about three fights (over the entire course of our relationship) where we have broken up, but we have always been back together by the next day"
You don't break up after fights, period.
You also said this:
"Because I felt something was off, I mum led something about "I know you don't love me anymore". He replied, "I never said that" and I said "you don't have to". He did not reply."
Why would you ever start a conversation like this?! Drunk and you're feeling his distance. That's destructive conversation. Why not when you're sober say "I sense some distance between us based on **insert detailed examples**. If there is something between us, I'd really like to talk about it and try to clear the air. If it's not us, I want you to know that I'm here for you. I love you and care about how you feel, and when you're down, I'm down too."
Finally, you said this:
Sunday things were fine between us, but he was even more distant. Monday morning, I texted him-- "why are you mad at me? Do you want to split?" And he called me immediately.
Again, why the hell wouldn't you take a different approach to this. You just initiated a BREAKUP by text. Given that all of the other fights you mentioned having resulted in 3 prior breakups, it's easy to put two and two together.
If you play this right, there's no reason for him to be stubborn. Stubbornness happens with conflict. When you, by your words, show love and caring and disarm the conflict, then there is no stubbornness.
You should never not believe him. Guys mean what they say. He may be impulsive and emotional and may regret his words later, but believe me, he means them. Talk to him in person. Don't screw around with letters he can't answer. Come to him as a partner and teammate, not an adversary who immediately thinks "Do you want me out of here" at the first sign of stress and emotional distance.
Now do you get it?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (19 September 2013):
The best way to change his mind is to find a place and move out as soon as possible. Don't talk about your relationship anymore, don't talk about anything you don't have to.
When you move out, don't call him at all.
If this doesn't work, nothing will, but at least you'll be moving on.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (19 September 2013):
The best way to change his mind is to find a place and move out as soon as possible. Don't talk about your relationship anymore, don't talk about anything you don't have to.
When you move out, don't call him at all.
If this doesn't work, nothing will, but at least you'll be moving on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2013): I am the OP. @YouWish, I have NEVER broken up with him, nor initiated the fights. Like i said, this is his first serious relationship, and he has a hard time dealing with any sort of pressure-- he just doesnt know how to deal with it. And I left the letter as a last resort because he would not listen to me in person, it's too emotionally charged. Please don't jump to conclusions.
I honestly don't believe him when he says those things. He has said them before and always when we make up, he says he didn't mean them, that he gets angry and says things he doesn't mean.
He is incredibly stubborn, and like I said, he is under major stress right now. I believe he is only lashing out. I just need him to listen to me, and right now I don't know how to get him to.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 September 2013):
Pinktopaz is right. You blew up your relationship by treating Nuclear Events like breakups as a manipulation tactic to get his attention. Do you know how resentful that makes someone when they are emotionally blackmailed? As in "You don't love me anymore! Do you want me to split?", and you're hoping to get a "Yes I do! Please don't go!" or him to chase after you emotionally.
I'd be willing to bet that every fight you had in which you broke up YOU were the one that initiated it. You mark my words well -- in any relationship you have from here on out, NEVER EVER EVER break up with someone unless you mean it. Breaking up is a Nuclear Event, meaning you can't call it back. Doing it to gain leverage in a fight in order for him to feel bad, take you back, and apologize breeds that deep resentment that just tore up your current relationship. Mature people work out their differences, not threaten to leave or break up. His "I'm done" means that he's done playing your game and being emotionally bludgeoned and manipulated. You can't do that and expect there not to be permanent damage. Breakups used as leverage in arguments break down trust and security and cause calloused hearts. You may "make up" and he may say the right things to you to get back together, but he'll emotionally distance himself from you to protect himself. Breaking up and threatening breaking up on a regular basis (4 times including this time IS way too many) destroys things.
"I know you don't love me anymore". "Do you want me to split?" Is that any way to start a talk about feelings?? NO! No wonder he finished it. Better yet, you should have, in the DAYTIME, not when crawling into bed drunk, you should have talked to him face to face. Asked him what was wrong, and what you can do to help improve "us". Instead, you tore down the relationship before any discussion happened.
And why the hell do you have to leave your feelings in a note? That's cowardice along with the whole threatening the relationship over and over. He deserves a face to face honest and vulnerable discussion. If you love him and are broken up, you need to apologize to him for the damage. You also need to reassure HIM that he is the one for you. You trashed the trust and security, and if it's not too late, you need to restore it. Tell him that the whole breaking up thing over and over is your way of trying to avoid feeling rejected and abandoned.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 September 2013):
 You CAN'T "change his mind".... and I can't - for the life of me - imagine WHY you would want to do so....
It "sounds" like you did everything you could to "grease the slide".... such that he pulled the trigger and told you that it was over between the two of you. You write:
"He said that he was done, that he didn't want to be together and that I was never what he was looking for. He owns the home we live in, and told me I needed to move out. I was stunned. Things weren't that bad between us, or so I thought.
I tried to keep it together, but last night I lost it. I could not stop crying. He said he wasn't going to change his mind and I should just stop crying and move on. He said he never really loved me, among other things."
Those paragraphs give you the "Reader's Digest" version of all that you need to know, to know that you should move on from this guy and never look back....
It's time to get on with your new life....
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2013): Hey. Must be tough what your going through right now.
People fall in love and fell out of love, too.
That's the truth.
Good thing about Love its free.
Bad Thing about it, It has expiration date.
He said he don't love you and believe me, he means it.
You can't imagine life without him, but he can't wait to start life without you.
It sucks. it hurts. but that's how he feels for you right now. No amount of patience, kindness or even love potion can change his mind.
You can't stop crying. that's ok, go ahead and cry.
its only hard in the beginning. but you will be ok, you need to start thinking about your life without him.
Remember, sometimes God remove people from our life, who will not do good for us. There is a reason behind why its happening,its hard to accept as of the moment but eventually you will be able to recover.
I will pray for you, pls pray a lot too because you need God's strength at this time.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (19 September 2013):
I have to admit, he is being pretty mean. BUT, he's probably really, really tired of hearing about how you think he doesn't love you and you immediately jump to conclusions that he's mad at you and if he wants to break up. He's probably pissed off hearing about it (I kind of relate to this) and is telling you what you want to hear. Although, I know you don't want him to tell you these things or feel this way, he's giving you what you keep saying. Kind of like, "Fine, you don't think I love you? You're right, I don't love you, never have, so get out of my house. Now have I proven to you that I don't love you just like you said?"
Does it mean he means any of things? I don't know because I am not him. I'm guessing he probably doesn't really mean them. But it does actually hurt and is frustrating when someone you do love keeps telling you that you don't love them and asking if it's best to break up.
So give him some time. Do what he asked. Find a place to stay and pack your stuff and leave. In the meantime, you two can have some space and figure out if this was the best thing to do. It may or not be, but definitely give him space, don't contact him, and do your best to move on for now. Like I always say, if it's meant to be then it will. If not, then it won't, but that's usually because something else better is waiting for you.
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