A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend hurts me so much lately. I dont even know where to begin. He has told me that he is gonna marry me within one year. He says I dont have an engagement ring b/c of financial reasons. right now he is talking about buying a house in a particular area, close to his family, that i wouldnt really want to live. he didnt discuss it with me to see if i would be happy with the decision. he says that the decisions he makes while he is single do not have to include me, but if we are going to get married soon and im gonna have to live there, dont you think i should have an opinion on this matter? Plus, i have a cat and a small dog that live inside... they are my world. he says that when we get married I cant have pets in the house b/c he doesnt like that. I feel like nothing goes my way.. my happiness doesnt matter.but i love him and i feel i dont have the strength to end it.. when i pin him down on these matters, he swears that he loves me and that im over reacting. please help. What are his intentions with me and what should i do?Thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007): Im 50 and I get similar behaviour from my partner of nearly 7 years. Its all to do with insecurity, he is insecure which in turn makes you feel insecure, in fact im feeling it right now! you need to be completely open with each other, perhaps ask him over because you have something important to put to him maybe over a glass of wine (dont drink too much though!) and a nice takeaway. Set the mood nd begin by telling him you love him but you are concerned about a couple of things regarding your future together, tell him you are willing to compromise with him and would love for him to do the same, see how it goes and let me know how you get on. Good luck, Lucy
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): He probably does love you in his own special way, but the unfortune of this is that he is also a controlling macho man who thinks he should be the decision maker and you should be the one to listen to his beck and call.
Being in love with someone like that is fine and dandy, but think about the long run. Think about what life would be like with him dicating everything he wants you to do. Think about how life with kids would be like. He's already making absolute demands that your pets won't be living at your new place if you two get married, and where to live without asking you about it. He will probably dictate the type of friends you can have, and probably won't even allow you to have male friends. He'll probably not want you to have a job that he deems 'too much' for him - ego?
I'm just making assumptions, but what's the likeness of those things happening?
What you should do is get him to listen and consider your thoughts and feelings. A marriage without open communication, the constructive growth and learning experience between the couple, consideration for each others needs and wants, and the compromise for each others needs and wants, isn't much of a marriage in my opinion. It's more like THE MAN and his woman. "Do this, do that. My way, all the way."
What do you think?
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (9 October 2007):
He considers himself a macho man. You at least have the right to voice your opinions and he has the obligation to respect you opinions. If he is not respecting you, his super macho may just be too much for you to tolerate.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): Well, that is hard to say what is going on, but it does not sound like he is thinking about marriage with you, but may be the kind of guy to tell you what he thinks you want to hear to keep you around at his beck and call.
I would not consider yourself engaged until you have a ring and a date, anything else is just rhetoric.
I understand how not having your feelings taken into consideration is not a good thing, and if he loves you, I think he should be willing to compromise, and if the pets are an area where you are not willing to compromise, you need to tell him, you love your pets, you are not abandoning them for him....they were there first!
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