A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My long distance boyfriend of 3 months now and I, now live in two different states. We've known each other for a long time and have met a couple of times then. He moved away and then asked me out. So we haven't really met as a couple yet! We should be meeting in January. Yesterday we were having a conversation of what we really felt about each other. In our relation, i'm the more emotional and expressive one. I know he loves me even though he might not say it as much as i like to hear it from him. So during that conversation, i literally poured my heart out to him. I'm completely in love with him. I couldn't have been happier than i am. When i asked him what he felt about me, all he said was, "I'm addicted to you. I love talking to you and i need to talk to you when i'm bored. And although I may not know the importance of you and the way you care for me now, maybe i will realize when i loose you and learn to love you more then" What he said completely confused me!!! This guy says he loves me, but then again he says i'm only someone he talks to when he's bored! I kept asking him if there was anything else he felt but he kept repeating the same thing! He's unsure of his feelings and i'm falling for him harder than i should. I don't know what to do. I can't force someone to love me more, can i? HELP
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): "I'm addicted to you. I love talking to you and I need to talk to you when I'm bored. And although I may not know the importance of you and how you care for me now, maybe I will realise when I lose you and learn to love you more then".
Well that's flattering isn't it!
"He needs you in his life because you're always there when he has no one else to talk to or nothing better to do, and if all else fails and you're not there as a back up plan, he'll be completely lonely".
"He doesn't love you now in the sense of a relationship, and isn't sure if he ever would feel the way you do for him".
"But who knows, maybe if he lost you forever one day, he'd realise you meant more to him than he thinks (or you actually) do now". But that's a BIG MAYBE in a hypothetical view.
He's basically telling you that you're in the "Friend zone" for the foreseeable future and he's probably even willing to risk losing you. If it came to that point and providing there's nothing more appealing going on in his life, he may come crawling back to you with his tail between his legs and settle for you (the good old trusty "once' close friend)
I'd be concerned about this statement...
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (29 November 2012):
 No you cant force him to love you more I'm afraid. Lets analyse his answer:
1. "I'm addicted to you". That is worrying, no-one should be 'addicted' to anything, let alone another person. It would indicate that he is a bit obessed with you and would struggle to let you go if you ever decided to end the relationship. However you can take a positive out of it, it would suggest he doesnt want to be without you and needs you in his life.
2. "i need to talk to you when i'm bored". Bad news. That would suggest that he only talks to you when he's bored, the rest of the time he doesnt think about you or want to talk to you.
3. "although I may not know the importance of you and the way you care for me now" - he doesnt care (at the moment) that you love him so much. He doesnt feel the same stregnth of love for you, and doesnt understand the feelings you have fo him either. He doesnt appreciate your affections.
4. "maybe i will realize when i loose you and learn to love you more then" - this basically means he wont realise how he feels about you until you leave him. So you have to be apart for him to possibly realise he loves you, but that is no guarantee - he might never realise anything and simply move on.
So where does this leave you? In a relationship with a guy who only talks to you when he's bored, doesnt feel the same way about you as you do about him, and might one day realise how he feels but only after you have dumped him.
I think that says it all really - and there simply is no point in carrying on when you love someone more than they love you, and when they have made it clear they think the relationship needs to end before it could ever work.
I think you need to move on before you get hurt further, this isnt a good situation for you to be in and you will be the one that hurts, not him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): I submitted this question and in reply to your questions, we're a plane ride apart. its tough for both of us right now cause we both don't have jobs or steady incomes but we're saving up so at least one of us can fly to see each other. When we knew each other, we were close friends but when he moved away we talked more often (phone and skype calls) and somehow mutually decided that we both liked each other more than friends.I love him because he's someone i can be myself with. he ignores my flaws and takes me for who i am. We both love talking to each other, well at least i do. whether we have something to talk about or not, there's never an awkward or dull moment and i'm just so comfortable then. i've never felt this way about any guy before.That sentence “maybe i will realize when i loose you and learn to love you more then" bothers me too. I've spoken to him about the fact that i wouldn't be able to leave him. I've been hurt too many times in the past and i wouldn't do anything that would have him being hurt. I wouldn't be able to go through an other broken heart. I don't know what i should do. He says he feels for me but just doesn't show it. The fact that it will take me leaving him to realize his love for me just doesn't make any sense!! :( I want to talk to him about this and clear it out. But i honestly don't know what to say to him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 November 2012):
 How far apart are you guys? Is it driving distance? We lived in two different states the first year of our relationship and yet managed once we were serious to see each other every weekend… (only a 2 hour drive)
I always find it a huge red flag when young folks have LDRs that are not being conducted properly (i.e. making time to see each other) if you can’t afford the travel because you are a plane ride apart that’s one thing but driving distance (bus ride/train ride) apart and not seeing each other regularly is not good.
Not having a car is not an excuse, my gf’s husband lives in PA she lives in MD he gets on the train every Friday to come to her for the weekend….
You knew each other but didn’t date till he moved away? What’s up with that?
You are completely in love with him why? What is it that works about this LDR? Again a huge red flag that you are in love with a man you are not really with…
The fact that he said that he wants to talk to you when he is bored is less concerning to me than he fact that he said “maybe i will realize when i loose (sic) you and learn to love you more then" Seems to me this is a game to him… NOT real life (as often is the case in LDRs)
You can’t make him love you and the more you push the more he pulls away. You may have to accept that he sees this as a time passer and fun and games…
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): I'm really sorry if this is quite blunt but it's just how I've read what you're written. He doesn't love you. If he did he wouldn't need to reality of losing you to prove his feelings to himself. He said it himself when he said he was addicted to you - he didn't say love.
I totally sympathise for you in that you feel so much for him but I'm not entirely sure this is being reciprocated.
In answer to your final question sadly no you cannot make anyone love you. Maybe for the time being a idea would be to try and hold back how you are feeling. If you guys are meant to be together love will prove itself over time but until then you may have to accept that you are an addiction but not more
X
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