A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I were filling out this book of questions for couples and we said we would be completely honest with each other. We came to "Have you ever known better love?" I said no, but he decided to tell me that he does feel like he was more in love when he was with his ex (his first serious relationship and the one before our relationship) because he was more emotional around her. I was very upset. He says he DOES love me and is happy with our relationship and feels like everything is fine, particularly since we are without the constant fighting that he and his ex had. He also says that even if his ex wanted to get back together with him, he wouldn't do it because he would not want to go through the turmoil again. I don't know how to deal with this. It seems strange to just leave a perfectly good relationship, but we've been together 2 years and he still feels like his love for me is not as great as the one he had for his ex (whom he dated for less time) when they were together? I love him a lot, but now feel like I'm somehow competing with someone that's not even a part of his life anymore. They have had no contact since their breakup. If I am to continue with our relationship, I have to somehow be happy with the fact that he does love me and values our relationship, even if he is not as in love. Please give me some advice, I desperately need some.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2007): My problem with this whole scenario is this - maybe you have been perfectly happy so far with the level of love he is giving you. But now you know that he is capable of feeling more, just for some reason he does not feel it for you. Is that enough for you?
It wouldn't be for me. If I didn't think my wife was giving me all that she had - and if I couldn't give her that in return - I would never have married her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your comments. I am glad that you provide different perspectives for me to consider. About his ex, it was not a completely negative relationship for him. She did not treat him really badly, it was just that they had many arguments because she was very emotional. She then left him for someone else out of nowhere (according to him). I feel like he does really love me, and if he had not told me anything, I would have never felt like our feelings for each other were inadequate. I now feel that I do want to continue with our relationship, and he wants to as well, but how do I get past this and help us to move forward? I'm afraid that I'll always wonder or be paranoid from now on about his feelings. Do you think that his feelings could ever grow beyond his previous relationship? I'd appreciate any more of your opinions. Thank you all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2007): i will just ask him if he STILL loves her. hey, why should you be with someone who doesn't even love you like his ex. just keep a close eye on him. And he said he likes their past relationship more, he not with HER anymore! he's with you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2007): Well, my real true belief is all healthy relationships are characterized by mutual respect, deep sharing and trust. You and he have a good, solid, seemingly healthy love relationship but he tells you- he had a better love with this ex gf with whom he shared a dysfunctional, argumentative, chaotic relationship. All he had with her, was an addictive love which was tense, combative.and negatively intense. Some people are turned on by this type of turmoil and melodrama and they mistake this toxic love for real love. Your bf doesn't know what a real genuine love is. He has a problem-he likes women who make life hard for him and cause him pain. He needs to mature and understand that what he has with you is indeed, healthy and genuine. Find a counselor who works with men and relationship issues and encourage him to go. There is a reason your bf confuses pain/sorrow/angst for deep, meaningful love. There is a reason why he was more attracted to this ex gf, who treated him crappy. Women suffer from this same type of dysfunctional view of love..I have always thought it was something that derives from how these people view themselves. He may have low self-esteem issues.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2007): I disagree, I think that lots of people find greater love later. First loves can be profound, but they can also be awkward and shallow. It's different for everyone.
I would not stay with someone who had better memories of someone else. I would never want to be the second-greatest love of his life. You deserve better, you deserve someone who loves you as much as you love him. Don't settle for someone who's settling for you.
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (9 April 2007):
 You're in, she's out.
There is always something special about a person's first serious relationship. It's something that nothing afterwards can ever recapture. Your guy was being as direct and honest with you as he could possibly be. What he says, in all cases, is true. NOW he loves you more than anything else in his life.
There will always be something special about that first relationship, but it's OVER and he knows it's over, and he's GLAD it's over. In the end, the negatives of that relationship outweighed the positives. He's moved on to a very special relationship (with you) where the positives far outweigh the negatives.
You will never hold exactly the same place in your guy's heart that this women held. You can't. But in the end, you've got to know that he loves you and he's with you now because he loves you in a very special way, a way that he could never love HER either. You're not competing with this woman; you've already won.
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